October 14 (Wednesday)...
It was a beautiful day today! Too beautiful to worry about what might be wrong with the world around me. And yet, I cannot help but think that it was a bittersweet moment on this cancer journey.
I am convinced that we should be happy to NOT know the future. (Get ready because I already have a non update reflection coming later on this topic.).
When my mom and I sat in her living room naively optimistic listening to Dr. Drengler on my first telemed appointment. He discussed the treatment plan and it sounded so simple on that May morning. It was not like he was trying to hide anything. We just did not understand that this was just the beginning of a beautiful relationship. A relationship, like any other, when the twists and turns are not known ahead of time. Oh yeah, it is like that roller coaster ride I keep saying I am riding!
So, when he listed out the game plan to me, it seemed pretty doable. I would have the following treatment:
A colon reduction surgery...✔️
Radiation directly to the liver tumors...✔️
Radiation directly to my bone legions... ✔️
And last but not least...
Chemo (6 rounds of three day treatments)
Throughout the chemo treatments, it was especially nice at the beginning to watch the ones who were completing their treatments. They would have the opportunity to ring the bell and triumph over their cancer victory. No more cancer! As I watched, I thought that would be fun to do one day.
Well, today would have been that day. The day I should be ringing that bell. Today...this beautiful fall day...the day I walked out of the chemo room where the kind nurse Amy volunteered to watch my belongings while I took a two hour break between appointments. A beautiful afternoon when the temperature and humidity was just right and the fall breeze helped to make my short walk even more enjoyable. How can I complain about what is going wrong in the world? Not when I was walking to lunch on a beautiful day like today!!!
I arrived at a little family owned restaurant that my mom enjoyed back in the heat of the summer. I had told her I would go there one day to meet the owners like she did and thank them for their kindness to her. When I got there, I realized that they are just joyful people running a business. A set of siblings who work well together and treat everyone who comes to their restaurant with kindness. But after I enjoyed my lunch, the same man came to me and said he remembered my mom and we talked about cancer and life. It was a good conversation. I went away once again knowing that it was a good day to praise God!
On the walk back to the clinic, I remind myself that the wild jerky curve on this roller coaster ride can be taken in one of two ways...in fact, I was just talking about this with my Tornado Teen. I could tense up and have a back jarring experience that is not any fun and could actually harm me in some way. When you are on the cancer coaster that cannot be a good choice. Or you can relax and throw up your arms and ride through the curve enjoying the thrill! Well, I have never been one to do that on a roller coaster ride. However, if I can trust God to help me let go on this cancer coaster. I might be able to forget my feeling that this is a bittersweet moment in my life.
Side track (sort of)... when I was taking theology classes, we were taught what is known as a liminal moment. A moment in time when you have to make a choice. For our faith that means deciding if we are going to follow God’s will or our own. Even when both options might be good choices, we are given opportunity to choose the path of God or not. When looking back on our lives in reflection, we can see the moments more clearly than when we do at the moment. I could go on but I already digress too far in this post. I only bring this up because I felt like this was one of those moments for my life today.
So, due to many things that happened to me today beyond treatments, I walked back from my lunch break realizing I needed to make a choice. See this day as bittersweet or a day of new hope. I actually knew this curve in the ride was coming weeks ago. I guess i just did not know how I would feel when it happened. Furthermore, I did not know what was going to happen as I rounded that curve, as I do now.
When I had this conversation with my younger brother earlier last month, he told me to NEVER ring that bell!! He had wanted to go through the Navy Seals program and watched training videos to prepare himself should he be selected. He said to ring the bell meant defeat. He told me to never give up and continue to battle cancer. Good advice from a kid brother, right? So no bell ringing for me!!!
So, what was around that curve? Oh yes!! Today the curve led me to another round of radiation tattooing. Since this was my second time through this experience, and I had this understanding that I needed to make a choice to follow God’s will, I chose to throw my arms up into the air and make the most of it.
I greeted everyone I met along the way as if I loved this cancer coaster. I smiled my way through the hallways. I thanked everyone who helped no matter how small the task. I whipped out my already made mask from my July treatments and told them I was ready for round two!! They laughed when I told them I kept the mask to share the experience with my children. It saved a step in the process so how could they complain.
I have now been tattooed in places I never expected but survived the experience. Now I am ready for radiation to my hip and neck. Probably next week but no dates on the calendar yet. I am ready to make it happen and continue the ride knowing that more curves will come my way.
My mom was there to pick me up at the end of the day. It is always nice to have a companion on these coasters. She has been right there with me to the best of her ability. I know all of you have been with me too and I appreciate it more than you can ever know. For instance, we were almost home when we got a call from our friend Ken. He was at our house to deliver dinner. We met out on the curb and talked a bit before he zoomed away. He let me take a picture with him. Doesn’t he just shine with God’s love surrounding him?
After a quick dinner, we were out the door to take Little Miss to her tutor. My mom and I spent the hour hunting down a benchmark to help me with a geocache challenge for the month. It passed the time!!
On the way home, I had this motherly instinct that we were going to arrive home to a surprise visitor. I did not say anything but I was right!! Our College Guy came home a day early to surprise all of us! More on why he is visiting for the weekend later. But we were all thrilled and happy to have him for an extra few hours!!!
To add to our joy, we had an early delivery for our next dinner. We were all excited to hear from Rita who brought us a late night delivery. We got to talk from the curb again today. And such a joy to have a fun conversation to get to know each other a little more. God is so good to place new friends in our lives during this time in our lives.
See...no reason for bitterness...only hold on to the sweetness! God will hold us up during the rough curves!! God is good all the time!!!
Oh! And quick update on our smelly Hankie. No bath seems to help this guy so we called a groomer. No guarantees but they are going to groom and bathe him. Most likely with his long coat it is just going to take time to wear off.
Take care all! God bless!
COMMENTS
Heidi Frazier
What a great post. I too, when hearing my cancer plan, thought it sounded like a manageable, doable plan... chemo..check! radiation...check! chemo...check! I remember thinking, "Ok, I can do that." But wow did plans get derailed. I think that's the hidden agenda of treatment that the doctors don't share in the beginning because it would be too overwhelming when we are in that early, fragile state. But plow ahead we do. I remember that bell and refused to ring it at the end of my radiation treatment which was very, very hard. Everyone commented on my strength. Getting through had nothing to do with a chosen strength or bravery. I refused to ring that bell because in those moments what choice do we really have? We do what we have to do to survive. Period. So I didn't feel like when completing treatment, I had accomplished anything. It was luck or chance or grace that I could finish the course of treatments. My will had nothing to do with it. (What did patients whose bodies couldn't tolerate the treatment to the end do? Not ring the bell? Horrible.) And to compound this, the facility I received treatment from, actually handed me a rolled certificate, tied in a ribbon at the completion, like a kindergarten student receives on his way to first grade. I found it appalling. (I burned it! 😉 ) I also didn't want to be boastful in front of God, as though I were saying, "look what I did," "I beat this," like it had anything to do with me at all. Well all of this is to say, hang in there, Michelle. To some ringing that bell or receiving that certificate is momentous and I absolutely respect that. In the end our walk through cancer is unique. I love reading your posts and living your perspective. Keep them coming and I hope it's ok I shared my own personal experience on your page.
Jean Moses
Your writings are so inspiring and encouraging. Your faith and attitudes have a great healing effect! I believe God is going to heal you!!
Ginger Hagood Jonason
Thank you for sharing this testimony
