August 25 (Tuesday)...
I had an uneventful second day of chemo treatment. This is great news. Still holding on to the same joy from yesterday. Spent my chemo timing watching Mass and then prayers for so many who need God's love in their lives.
I also had a wonderful phone call from a beautiful young lady (Angela) who has grown into quite the woman. Such a nice talk as we caught up on each others lives. Then promised prayers for each other at the end. Thank you, Angela, for reaching out to me today!
I came home to do normal household stuff and rest. And I am sure we will end the night with more rest and family prayers.
I went to sleep quickly but woke up in the middle of the night...I had thoughts in my head that I needed to process...so the best way for me was to write it down...
Pride is a terrible thing. It can eat away at a person worse than cancer. I think we all have been taught how terrible pride can be. When it spirals out of control even before we realize how bad it has taken over.
I woke up this morning so angry about a situation that I could not understand why I was getting so upset. A situation that I have no control over and should be just placed in my past. And yet, I woke up as if I was in control and someone was trying to take that away from me.
Then I realized it was not control that was being taken away. What was being taken away was my desire to be exalted above someone else. I wanted to be remembered for my abilities above someone else. I wanted someone to say I was better than someone else. To take it even further, I wanted someone to say...if I was in control of the situation, I would be handling it better.
So here I am awake in the early hours of the morning. The hour in which I have always felt that the devil fights us the hardest. And I am letting him win over my pride. How can I let this happen? Because I wanted to be praised and glorified above others. But also I wanted control over something. I wanted to be a little demigod of action in this world.
I was so upset about this that I was in tears. I am not a weepy person. These were tears of anger. Why was I like this? And then I realized this anger was not directed at the people who were ignoring my greatness. This anger was directed at myself. I knew in my heart of hearts that I had no right to that situation.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourself...” Phillipians 2:3
Even reading this verse as I type gives me pause. How often do I do this without even realizing it? For the situation I have before me, I truly do not have any control over it. However, what about the times when I do have the control and I take pride over humility? At what point is it about me over others? There is a fine line. Or is there? Maybe it is more obvious than I want to admit.
One of my favorite books of the Bible is the first letter of Peter. It is a short letter but full of wisdom. Sometimes more is said in a few words to get to the point. (I know some of you would hope I took that advice). But he wrote:
“Clothe yourself with humility.” 1 Peter 5:5
Wow! Such simple advice. But how does one do this?
Clothe yourself...put aside the pride. That garment will not give you what you desire.
But it looks so good? What is wrong with putting on pride if it gives me confidence to face the world? No, put it aside.
But, things will not get done if I don’t have pride. Throw it away!!
And then the truth comes. But I want to be remembered for what I have done. And then I see why I the anger I am feeling is directed at myself. I am not the one who needs to be remembered. In all I do, I should be reminding others that God is the focus. And to do this, I must put on the garment of humility. Humble myself and acknowledge that I did not do those “great” things alone. God gave me the ability to do those things.
And so I turn to 1 Peter again:
“As each of us received a gift, use it serve one another, as stewards of God’s varied grace.” 1 Peter 4:10
These gifts are not mine to be held up for the world to see. They are gifts from God. We all have gifts given to us. And when we share them and use them as they are meant to be may God be given the glory.
So the fine line is not drawn when we take action, but when choosing to wear the garment of pride or humility.
What garment do I choose today?
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