A Little Nervous But...

The following post should be taken somewhat light-heartedly, as I feel that my concerns are mostly unwarranted. So keep that in mind as I update you on my treatment. 

So I will admit, I am a little nervous about tomorrow’s procedure. I will be expected to fast from food starting tonight after dinner. Then wake up tomorrow and be at the hospital by 4:30 am. They assure me there will be no delay as I am taken back to prep for the Gamma Knife procedure.  I will be placed under a conscious sedation before entering into a specialized MRI machine. I was originally told it would take about two hours; however, this morning the nurse explained that I would not come out of recovery until afternoon.  You do the math because something is not quite right!  

However, I was nervous long before this morning’s phone call. Call me prideful but I like my brain just the way it is now. Once they told me about these latest tumors, I cannot help but wonder how this will affect my cognitive capacity. 

They say I won’t feel a thing. But what does that mean exactly?  I will be placed in the MRI and held in place by a contraption holding my head in place that reminds me of the mad scientist laboratory devices from old black and white sci-fi movies. Unlike my previous masks, I will not be able to move in any way. I suppose this is good because I sure do not want them to get it wrong and radiate in places that should be left alone.  It is also good to be sedated as I will be able to relax and not think about not being able to escape. 

All of this worry probably comes from having too much time in this last two weeks.  I felt so puny from the immuno-therapy. I have really spent a lot of time resting. I had a few things to keep me busy but most of it was spent sitting and napping. I suppose that is a good thing. 

However, I am typing this from the treatment room. Last night I was feeling a little worse than previous days with pain in my kidney area and feeling very dehydrated. I also had a rash on my chest this morning. This was added to the last week of shortness of breath and the dreaded bathroom calls. I just felt like all of those issues were adding up to no good. I decided I should at least ask to have some labs drawn and get a little hydration boost. The doctor agreed so here I am for an afternoon of fun!  

This also gives me a quiet moment to refocus my attention on trusting in God’s plan in all of this. I had gone to Mass early this morning at our altar under the trees just as the sun was rising. Today is the day we remember that Mary said YES to God and she was enveloped by the Holy Spirit in order to conceive Jesus, our Lord and Savior...the Feast of the Annunciation!! 

“Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done according to your word.”  Luke 1:26-38

The INCARNATION of our God becoming man so he could suffer for us!  And the world would never be the same!!!!

I cannot help but think that we all have a moment when we must say "YES" in a big way.  However, there are also many little moments when we must affirm our mission with God in our every day life.  Why?  Because Jesus has already said YES too!  He took away the need for animal sacrifice so that he could be the sacrifice...

Then he says, “Behold, I come to do your will.”  He takes away the first to establish the second.  By this “will,” we have been consecrated through the offering of the Body of Jesus Christ once and for all. Hebrews 10: 4-10

This is a perfect message to help me trust in God’s plan for tomorrow but also so fitting as we enter into Holy Week. May we all take time to reflect on all that Christ has given for us. 

Praise be to God!

Treatment for a Unicorn

For those of you wondering how my chemo treatments went this week, I kind of slept the week away.  

I arrived at the center on Monday and quickly met with Dr. Drengler.  He had a surprise for me and I think he was quite excited that I would be able to start immediately.  The immuno-therapy that we discussed at my last appointment had been approved by insurance.  He reviewed the protocol and had set up for me to begin the new treatment instead of chemo.  

According to Dr. Drengler, this new treatment is supposed to put my immune system into hyper-drive in hopes my body will attack the cancer, which would be great.  However, the treatment could also make my immune system attack my other body systems. So I need to keep my focus and watch for warning signs that my body is shutting down in some way. I guess he has me walking a tightrope with this one, but if it works then it is supposed to be a very effective treatment.  

When I went to the treatment room, the nurse was very concerned that I understand the side effects of the treatment.  Also, she wanted to watch me very closely for at least an hour after treatment was completed.  She delayed treatment to verify the dosage was correct because apparently Dr. Drengler set up a dose that was not typical dosage.  After a short delay, the nurse came back assured that my treatment could continue.  I told her that I have always been considered the "weird" patient, and she stopped and said, "You are not weird.  You are our unicorn!"  Yay me!!!  

The one big change is this treatment plan is only a one day treatment that only took about two hours.  It is only one treatment each month for the next three months.  At the end of the three months, I will have new scans done to see the effectiveness of the treatments.  

So, everything has been going well but the treatment has made me VERY tired.  My mom, always the nurse, told me that the treatment must be having its effect because my body is trying to get me to sleep so it can get to work fighting the cancer.  So, I sleep.  I do a little and then I sleep some more.  I have a few other minor side effects (mainly headaches, diarrhea and chills).  

I am so thankful for my family who continue to take up the every day tasks.  Tasks that do not happen can be put off for another day.  Also, I am glad we decided to take the week off to spend time with Henry (home for his Spring Break).  We were able to celebrate his 21st birthday this week also.  

All in all, it has been a laid back week.  We have a busy weekend ahead of us, so I hope I can do what needs to happen.  However, I know everything will happen as it should.  If I have learned anything this last year, I have learned that keeping things simple is the best way to allow the memories to enter in more fully.  And, when we allow God to enter into our everyday activities, the memories include the joy that only He can bring.  So when I am too tired or the side effects make it difficult to feel happy, I know I can still have a feeling of joy in my surroundings.  May God bless you this week with his everlasting joy!

Not Quite Spring Break

Everyone should know by now how much I love geocaching. I especially love meeting the people who share my hobby. However, COVID restrictions have limited the ability to have events. In fact, the last big event we went to was exactly a year ago. We had gone to an annual event fully enjoying ourselves, when we found out the world had just changed and lockdowns were happening all over the world. Now this weekend we are at that same annual event. Many are not wearing masks or social distancing, but since none of us our vaccinated and due to my health we try to wear masks indoors and around large gatherings where we might come in close contact with others. 

All of that said, we are here in Cisco (very small town in the western side of the Central Texas region).  We love it here because it is wide open and the people are so friendly!  And lots of places to roam without a the worry of social distancing even when there are so many of us here (approximately 300-500 extra people which is small number this year).  This is quite the crowd for a town with a population under 4000.

So we arrived on Friday and found a few caches then on to our hotel to rest. The drive in was four hours so already quite a bit of time in the car. I typically go in to the hotel to confirm reservations and get keys by myself before taking in the entire crew. Tonight was no different. When I walked up to the front desk, I wanted to be sure to explain that I had two separate reservations because we had a free night that had to booked by itself. However I was hoping to keep the same room both nights. Lately, I have had trouble remembering certain words so when the clerk looked at me strange I thought I had not said something right. Then I tried to explain again and she got it and she apologized because she was afraid I was going to yell at her like the previous guest. I told her that I had no reason to yell at her and I thought my chemo brain had created confusion. She was so surprised that I was a cancer patient. I flung off my head cover and said...yep! I am completely bald under here!  She told me her grandfather had recently passed away and showed her memorial tattoo. From then on she wax asking if she could make my stay more comfortable. She told me that I was a ray of sunshine from the moment I entered the hotel. She was so impressed that I was staying so active. She was so sweet and stayed  connected with us all weekend making sure we had everything we needed. 

We spent all day Saturday on the hunt for caches. We first competed in a team contest for South Texas region. We had to find as many contest caches in four hours. We found 62 which is at least double what we have done in the past. I was not able to compete but I did drive the geomobile so the crew could find the caches. After the contest, we ate a quick lunch and found some local history caches. Did you know this small town was the setting for one of the most notorious bank robberies?  The Santa Claus robbery was so crazy and hard to believe that you might it interesting to learn about it. 

Another quiet evening of rest and woke up in time to pack it all up. Before heading home we met at a park and cleaned up any trash found. We call this a CITO...cache in trash out...event. We always try to give back to the host community in some way. 

A fun time was had by all...even those who don’t like geocaching as much as their momma. We had a nice drive home. We even made it back before dark thanks to daylight savings time. 

Not quite Spring Break but we did have every one together having fun. I hope all of you enjoyed your weekend/ spring break!  

God bless you all!  

The Joys of Suffering

I had my last treatment of radiation for this round yesterday. I met with the radiologist after the treatment and she did not give the standard “Next time I see you, we will be in a Walmart.”  Instead she asked me if they were able to relieve  a little of my pain. I told her yes even though I do no think the pain has changed much in the last three weeks of radiation. I guess the receptionist did not get the memo that we might want to hold off on celebrating. She blew a party horn in my face and congratulated me in finishing my treatments. I told her to never do that again. I would come back when my scans showed the cancer had not spread and we could celebrate together. It is not that I have lost hope in healing but rather I am a little more hardened to the reality of the situation. Maybe my prayer warriors will not like me saying this, but after the last year I know that my roller coaster ride is going to have times of suffering. 

For almost a year, I have been asked by doctors, nurses, technicians, as well as family and friends if there is anything they can do to prevent me from suffering. I feel like I need to address this topic sense it seems to be a burden for others to be with me on this crazy ride and not be able to do something to prevent the pain I feel. 

To start off, I have a high threshold when it comes to pain.  I would rather have pain than see the sight of my own blood. Just ask my mom or my brothers about the antics of my youth, or in this last year for that matter.  However, the most part...growing up with six brothers...I am a pretty tough gal.  I have learned that when it comes to pain, I adjust what I can handle.  Sometimes it just takes me a few days for my body to adjust.  

I also have the belief that pain is the way your body tells you there is a problem.  If I find a way to remove all pain, my body is not allowed to share with me where a problem exists.  That is how I even found out I had cancer last year...I listened to my body when the pain would not go away!  My mother would say I should have gone to the ER at least two weeks before I went, but I still went to the ER because of the pain.  It was the pain in my sternum that I communicated to my oncologist that encouraged him to start new scans.  It was then that we found not only the cancer in my sternum, but also in other new areas throughout my body.  Personally, I have never liked to take pain medicine.  It just is not worth what I lose in awareness to benefit the relief in pain.  I know when I cannot handle the pain and I will take medicine as needed.  As I learned last summer there was the need for the pain medicine, but not all the time.  

However, I have one other reason I will not allow all pain to be removed from my life.  It is just not possible to remove all pain.  It is a terrible myth that we allow ourselves to believe in society.  Pain is part of our existence.  Why?  Because as a Christian, I know that the fall of mankind has placed pain in this world.  We cannot avoid what is inevitable...we will have pain...physically, emotionally and spiritually...because we live in a fallen world!  (Read Genesis 3)

I have been leading a Bible study covering the Gospel of Mark over the last few weeks (which I love being able to do).  We have recently been discussing how Jesus revealed to his closest disciples that he would be a suffering servant as prophesied by Isaiah (Chapter 42). Christ came to us from the Father out of love for all people to suffer and die on the cross.  He knew that there would be a glorious victory over the death of sin by following through with this sacrifice.

One devotion we have is praying the Rosary in which we reflect on the mysteries of Christ’s life.  Even when reflecting on the Joyful Mysteries, we seeing suffering for the Holy Family and Jesus.  The unknown of the Annunciation when Mary is shown the joy of becoming the mother of God.  She would trust in  the plan of God, but would Joseph be so understanding?  The Visitation that was a time of joy but also anticipation for Elizabeth to birth a child at an elderly age.  This also might have been a time when Mary was sent away until the issues with Joseph were resolved.  Continue on in the the meditation on the Nativity, which was a strenuous journey and giving birth in a place where animals were kept.  The fourth reflection is the Presentation of the Lord at the Temple.  This should be a time of joy in their lives (and most likely it was); however, it was also a time when Simeon spoke of the suffering that Mary would feel..."a sword will pierce through your own soul also." (Luke 2: 22-38)  This is then followed by the final reflection on the Finding at the Temple.  This took place after three days for Mary and Joseph searching for youthful Jesus.  I bring these reflections to mind because through it all Mary was with Jesus and still she had to suffer trials and tribulations.  This goes even further in the Sorrowful Mysteries.  

My thought is that I can only grow through my suffering because I trust in God to be there with me.  I can trust further in God to bring glory to my situation.  I will continue to suffer and see this as my small cross to carry.  I will do this joyfully...I will live and love as I grow closer to God, which then in turn brings me closer to my family and friends.  I take up this cross that I have been given and I do it willingly with God's grace.  This is not a new concept.  The Apostles taught this from what they learned from Jesus.  And then later it was infused into the knowledge of God given to Paul by Jesus.  Participating in the suffering of Jesus is a mystery that we can live in order to become more like Christ.

"For his sake I have accepted the loss of all things and I consider them so much rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having any righteousness of my own based on the law but that which comes through faith in Christ,h the righteousness from God, depending on faith to know him and the power of his resurrection and [the] sharing of his sufferings by being conformed to his death, if somehow I may attain the resurrection from the dead. (Philippians 3:10-11).

and

‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’…For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

So...I know everyone wants me to be free of pain and suffering, but know that I will use this pain to find joy!  I will use this pain to find what the doctors cannot discover with all their tests.  I will use this suffering so I can be who God wants me to be with the confusion of stronger medication.  

God bless you all for being here with me through it all!

My Many Forms of Therapy

I am sure there are those wondering how I am doing this week.  Not much to report.  I have been breezing through my radiation treatments this week...another week to go.  I did have a little bit of nausea the last couple of days but barely noticeable. 

I did have a nice text conversation with a friend of mine who is also going through extensive cancer treatment.  We both agreed that the best thing when placed in this situation is to have support and finding ways to enjoy the time we are not in treatments.  It made me think about how blessed I am to have this ability and how it truly lifts we up in spite of all the doctor visits and treatments.

There are four things that give me the energy and strength to continue. This has never changed throughout all of this last year and will continue to lead me through the tough days.

God is my strength.  

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28: 7

My strong faith in God is in all I am and always has been a big part of my life.  It is through God’s grace that I can have this relationship. I pray daily and part of my therapy is daily Mass.  I actually told the scheduler this last week...absolutely no more appointments before 10 am (We will see if that is possible.).  It is because others pray for me that I feel lifted up most days. My treatments would be very different if my focus was not on prayer and offering my suffering for others.

Having the joy of God by my side is much like the Footprints in the Sand image.  God carries me during my hard times.  

The Support of Family and Friends

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity."  Proverbs 17:17

My support from family and friends is quite humbling and appreciated. I am lifted up in prayer and support so much that I have no where to fall. 

Recently on a fun geocaching trip, we had all the crew with us and a few extra cachers too.  Our Little Miss wanted to climb a tree for a find.  It was probably 20 feet up the tree but an easy climb.  I told her to have a try, but our Brave Leader and these other three men were being more protective.  They let her climb the tree but they were hands up and ready to catch her.  She literally had a safety net below her!  She climbed the tree...made the find...and made her way down again.  

That image of those men ready to catch her...it made me think about all the hands that come together in prayer and God's loving hands there ready to catch me...it is very powerful! That is how I feel now. Always knowing that should I be in need in any way my family and friends will be there. There are so many who do nit have this at the clinic and it makes me so sad.

Breathing in the Fresh Air

"Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let the sea resound, and all that is in it. Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them; let all the trees of the forest sing for joy."  Psalm 96: 11-12

Where many have physical issues related to cancer or other medical issues that requires physical therapy.  I have been very fortunate that my cancer and treatments have only had minor short term effects.  However, I still believe my body needs my own version of physical therapy.  This is actually not a new thing for me.  I think I have required this therapy since I was a little girl.  I just have to spend part of my week getting outside and breathing fresh air. Geocaching allows that to happen with purpose. I would do it anyway because it reminds me of my childhood living on a dirt road in East Texas. Getting back to my dirt road backwoods no pollution brings me energy that cleanses my soul and my lungs. Geocaching is just the avenue to make it happen. I would not have it any other way. I am glad to even have that ability within the city...San Antonio has amazing trails. When I cannot get out for the actual cache find, I at least roll down my window and take in that fresh air.

After all of this...My Medical Team

"Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them; and I will reveal to them an abundance of peace and truth."  Jeremiah 33:6

After all of these mentioned effects come together to give me the needed benefits...Then and only then I rely on the doctors and what they bring to the table. I look at it like this...being well with my soul must come before the doctors can take a crack at what to do medically. I know they are the professionals and experts of their field. I do not question what they feel is right for me. I just feel like the other must be in place first. When all else is in order then when the pain and side effects one into play I can deal with it knowing I have prepared myself in all other ways. And more importantly I am open to God’s will to work through my body and the knowledge of the doctors.

God is good. There is no other needs I have at this time. We will pray for each other. I told another friend with cancer that we are survivors. Each day we enjoy on this earth is a another day we have survived cancer. It might get us in the end but I choose to live through my cancer.

God bless.

A Joyful Way to End a Long Week

 I had such a long week that I was coming home exhausted and could not put out an update.  Sorry for those who were wondering what happened with me last week.  The short answer is that I made it through two days of radiation and completed my second round of chemo treatments.  I did not have any side effects other than being tired.  

To add a little more information...I was able to talk with my radiologist on Wednesday to ask her about my brain tumors.  She was surprised because this was supposed to be taken care of earlier in the month.  A new radiologist was needed to perform radiation on my newest brain tumors.  She would look into the situation and get back with me.  On that day, I was supposed to have an early morning radiation treatment and then a long break before an afternoon chemo treatment.  Since I had extra time, my mom and I were going to look for groceries (still a little lacking in the stores last week) and meet Nancy for lunch.  My mom would go home and Nancy would take me to my afternoon treatments.  Oh!...the plans we make!  Halfway through the grocery store, I got a call from a nurse who wanted me to hurry back to the center for a consult with the new radiologist.  I quickly through in some last minute items to our cart, checked out and raced back to the center.  I met with the new radiologist (Dr. Mira) who is one of the few radiologist who can use the Gamma Knife equipment.  I had to have the consult with him before a request for approval could be sent in to our insurance.  We have the start to this process and will hopefully have this procedure done in the near future.  

Wednesday night the little bit of hair I had left was taken off again (It started falling out on Monday and it was a much bigger fall out then the first time!).  I had this great plan to shave a big Aggie symbol on the back of my head before shaving it off completely.  I thought I would redeem a failure to have Aggie pride from my college days.  However, my hair did not cooperate.  The closest I was able to come was having my mom paint the sign on the back of my head with maroon paint! My hair did not even cooperate with that plan as it kept falling out as she painted!  Haha!  So I am now bald again and it is so nice not to have hair in my food again.  

The rest of the week was all about radiation but I also through in a little bit of fun.  Nancy had time to meet me after radiation on Thursday so we could go geocaching.  A nice afternoon enjoying the fresh air along a back road.  

Friday evening we had the joy of talking the evening away with Amy and Peter.  We have known each other for many years so it was great to see them.  However, we also talked a lot about my cancer and the use of essential oils.  I was so grateful for their advice and and support.  Many of what Peter told me confirmed what we already knew from the doctors; however, we also discussed building up my immune system.  I am so excited to try something new that has a more natural effect on my body.  This will be along side the treatments with Dr. Drengler.  

Saturday, I was feeling tired most of the morning.  However, by the afternoon, I was rested enough to head out to a park to help with a clean up.  This is one of the things I love about our local geocaching group...we are always finding ways to give back.  We had about twenty people together to clean a local park.  Along with the clean up, another fun time with friends and breathing fresh air!  

Today was the best way to end the week (or start a new one!).  We went to Mass and I was given an award from our bishop called the Lumen Gentium Award.  I was shocked about a month ago to have our priest come to me and say he had nominated me for this award.  Today was the day it was presented to me at Mass.  This is such an honor and humbled that I would be recognized.  "The parish Lumen Gentium Award is bestowed upon Catholic laypeople from each parish who have demonstrated participation in the Catholic Church’s mission to bring Christ’s light to all.  The individuals are practicing Catholics who manifest an understanding of the teachings of the church and have been graced with a life formed in the Catholic spiritual tradition. These individuals have used their talents to deepen the life of the church in the parish or have served in an extraordinary way the ministry of the parish."  

Father Martin told the parish, "She fully lives her faith and mission as a member of Christ's Faithful People.  She has obtained a degree in theology, which she places at the service of parish and archdiocesan formation.  She manages her home, teaches her children, serves in parish ministry, and shares her faith journey as an inspiration to us all."  Such kind words!  I am honored to represent our parish and the diocese.  

Add to this joy...I was so happy to have my friends Bette and Heidi come for a visit today too!  It was only a one day visit today and the time went by so quickly, but I could not have asked for a better way to spend my day.  We shared a meal and many conversations before they had to head home.  I hope we can spend many more days like this.  Bette was so sweet...she made me a prayer shawl...so soft and my favorite color!

Now it is the end of the day and I can fall asleep with a smile on my face...prepared to face what this next week will bring.  Many blessings to all who continue to pray for me.  

 

What are We Going to Do Today?

In our days of 1995 and further, our sweetie pie loved to watch Animaniacs...I think Michael might have had some say in this...The one they loved the most was the two lab mice...Pinky and the Brain, which oftened started out like this:

Pinky:

Gee, Brain. What are we going to do tonight?

The Brain:

The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!

After yesterday's long day, I could not help but wonder what we were going to do today.  Another early start to get some answers before my chemo treatments started.  I went to talk to Dr. Drengler's nurse first.  I felt very weak and dehydrated so asked for fluids during my treatment day.  This was approved and would add almost two hours to my day.  Then I wanted clarification on my new possible treatment...not sure when I will get that information but she relayed the question to him.  Then I reminded them that I wanted my full records, and I was told it would need to be requested from medical records, so she would work on this too.  

Then I took a wild goose chase through the SCAN center in the same building.  Maybe too much information, but I was given CT scan to mark my body for radiation treatment on February 12.  I was told DO NOT take a shower and remove these markings before the first treatment.  I know this helps them from previous experience with radiation...no big deal as I would probably get in for treatment early the following week.  Well...it was now February 23 and no appointment...I could not stand this awful smell any longer...I had tried sponge baths...that just does not cut it.  Oh and by the way...my hair is falling out again, which would be so much easier if I could take a shower and wash away the worst of the hair loss.  So, after going from one person to the next, I got to the right person.  She said...they were just about to call me in 15 minutes no need to worry as I would be on the Wednesday schedule.  Take a shower...get clean...she obviously could smell my wonderful body stench too!  Haha!  

I made it to my chemo treatment just in time...but slight delay so it was all back to wondering how long the day would really be.  The nurse knew from my chart that I had had a long day yesterday so she got busy getting things started.  It was nice to have the time to get ready for my Bible study...I spent five hours today in the clinic.  I finished my review of the Gospel of Mark just as my treatments ended so good timing.  All was nice as I had driven myself and no need to worry anyone with waiting in the parking lot.  And the hydration really helped...so much that I think I will ask for this on future treatment days.  

Home again to help with last bits of school and order take out...best plan ever and a real treat because we do not do it often.  (Oh! by the way...so thankful for the meal given to us by Marisol and family...she is so sweet to think about us so often!)

I even got to take that much needed shower...I cannot tell you how good it felt...but also my hair loss is in speed mode...even I was shocked by how much hair washed away!  Back to caps until I get time to shave it off again.  A big reveal on that because we have a plan for the family this go around!  Whoop!

Family prayers gave me the following verse to reflect upon after the last two days of treatment...

"We have this confidence in him, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us in regard to whatever we ask, we know that what we have asked him for is ours." 1 John 5:  14-15

So pray my friends...I have faith that God's plan will outshine any prayer requests we invoke.  I add to this a little reflection from my Bible Study about those who work in healing ministry...Jesus gives the disciples this lesson in Mark 9...paraphrased from Mary Healy there are three steps to helping a person heal...

1. Ask the person about their issue. 

2. Invite the person o an act of faith in Jesus. 

3. Bring the person to Jesus through prayer (fasting when possible)

And for the one who provides the healing ministry:  

“Persevere with expectant faith even in the face of seeming failure.  God is always the answer and the guide to all healing   Healing and deliverance will bear fruit only through a reliance on God as they bring all needs to the feet of Jesus in prayer. A lesson in humility.” The Gospel of Mark by Mary Healy

Praise God for his healing!