I Need to Stop Making Assumptions

 April 22 (Wednesday). I wanted to meet with a priest so I made an appointment with the secretary and got in right away. I was a little leery but knew it was the right choice to visit the priest who I worked for even though we did not part on the best of terms. He is still an amazing priest and I wanted his prayers and experience. 

I guess I need to stop making assumptions. I assumed the secretary would tell the priest why I wanted to visit with him. Looking back now I think he might have got the impression I wanted my job back. I had not spoken to him in three months. I also started our conversation with a talk about how I know that God’s plan is not the same as ours. Everything happens for a reason. 

When I realized he had know idea what I was trying to say, it dawned on me that he really had no idea why I was there. So I told him straight out that I most likely had some form of cancer and I wanted him to pray for me. He was quite surprised and said he was shocked. I told him we were all shocked but this was the path I was on now. 

We spoke for quite some time about God’s will and prayer. He promised to pray a St. Jude novena for me. We left each other with little fanfare. No welcoming me back to the parish. No anointing. I felt a little let down but satisfied that God is bigger than us all. I was still being taken care of regardless.

Later in the day I was called by the oncologist liaison. She took my general information and insurance. She verified that all the reports were turned in for her to review from the ER and primary doctor. She then told me she would present my case to the oncologist. If he chose to take my case an appointment would be made with him. 

That was probably the only time I felt a little stressed. Can doctors refuse to provide care?  Would there be enough information provided for him to make this choice?

In the end, I gave this over to God. Prayed the right doctor would be there for me. My God did not fail me!  He is so good!  I was at peace again. 

The next afternoon the liaison called and  Dr. Dr was now my oncologist and he wanted to see me as soon as possible. 

 Praise God!!

A Trip of Confusion at the Doctor's Office

 April 21 (Tuesday). I got an appointment to be seen for a referral. I think the messages got mixed up in translation and I was viewed as a new patient coming in for a initial consultation. I think that is a little strange because who would do that in the middle of a pandemic but that is how they were treating me. I was so clueless though because I assumed it was just their routine since i had not been seen in six years. I assumed once I got to the doctor (actually saw a PA) then we would discuss the ER visit. 

I was a little surprised when he began asking me about routine testing and did not seemed concerned about the matter at hand. It was almost comical when he asked what brought me to the office and i told him about the ER visit. He had an assistant typing notes beside him. He stood up and starting backing out the door and said he would be right back. He grabbed his assistant on the way out. I wish I had a video because you could tell he was thrown off guard and did not know what to say to this calm woman telling him she had large liver masses who just wanted an oncologist referral. 

He came back in a few minutes later and said an oncologist would be calling me within 24 hours and I still should consider following up with these other routine checks. 

So that was my primary doctor appointment. Short and sweet and I obtained what I really needed. So I guess it was a positive experience.

How Will We Move Forward?

 April 19 (Sunday) I spoke to my mom because she woke up before the others. She knew it was serious right away and wanted to know what I was going to do. 

Let me say...I am not against medicine. Some people think I am because I have the view that if I am not sick then there is no reason to go to doctor. I do regular female checks (but I was behind on these also) and if I knew of any medicinal check point I would have done them but had not reached any of those points yet. The last doctor visit was in 2014 because I suspect I had a thyroid issue. I was told then I was just having the old “female” issues and no concerns to worry about. The PA offered me diet pills and I refused. Started exercising more and eating healthier. We were already healthy eaters with only a few occasions eating out and rarely eating processed foods. My decision was to limit my portion sizes and take more hikes. It seemed to help so all was back on track. 

Jump forward back to what my plan would be now. I told my mom I was still considered a patient so I would call for follow up with this same doctor and have a referral to oncologist. No big deal. 

I woke up the children later in the morning so we could follow our Mass of choice and then sat them down and told them what I knew which was very little. I even showed them a diagram of the abdominal organs. My lovely teen commented that everything did not need to be a science lesson. We laughed and everyone went about their day. All was well.

A Trip to the ER and the "C" Word?

 April 18 (Saturday) my mom was determined I go to ER so she contacted my brother (Damian) who is an ER nurse. He convinced me that I was taking a bigger risk not going to ER. He said the symptoms sounded like gall bladder and I should go immediately. Always the mother, I told him I wanted to wait until Michael was home (he was working a Saturday shift), children were fed, and we had put the littles to bed. 

So around 8pm, Michael drove me to the ER. He was not allowed to enter hospital as a non-patient. So he waited in parking lot. I entered thinking worst case scenario was I would have gall bladder surgery. 

I entered the waiting area and there were only two other brave souls (or very ill) who were willing to take the chance and go to ER. 

I was seen within 30 minutes and I was told right away that my vitals looked great. My pain level was a 6 out of 10 so would I like some morphine. I laughed and told them I don’t even take Tylenol for headaches and I would be OK. They put me on an IV and thought I need to be hydrated. 

Within an hour I was meeting the doctor and he wheeled in a portable ultrasound. Upon examination, he told me all looked great with my gall bladder. Good news!  But he thought my liver looked enlarged. Not so good!  

He asked if I would like further testing. i said he could do whatever he felt necessary to find answers. So off I went to CT scan, blood work, and more precise ultrasound. These tests took some time. I did not finish these tests until 2am. 

The doctor came in around 4am and told me that I had large masses in my liver. There was nothing else he could do for me in ER. I needed to follow up with my primary care doctor and set up a referral with an oncologist. 

He never mentioned cancer. But I guess it was implied. I remained serious about it all and just thanked him for all he had dine to help me. He asked to shake my hand and again offered morphine for the pain. 

In fact, the last thing done for me before discharge was to remove the IV. The nurse came in and said the doctor wanted to offer me morphine one last time before removing the IV. I guess that was the only comfort he felt he could give me. 

I thank him and the hospital staff for their care and setting me at ease throughout this first night of discovery. I never felt alone and they were kind throughout all the tests. 

Michael (bless his heart) waited eight hours for me in the parking lot with very little information. We were both glad to make it home and have a little sleep before the others woke up for Sunday Mass.

An Easter Revelation and a Blessing

The second week of April I was not feeling well with very little energy. For those who watched our live Seder meal, you probably did not even notice I was not well because my goal was to make Holy Week special no matter how bad I felt. 

By April 11 (Holy Saturday) I was doubled over in pain on my right side. I remember telling Michael that if I was not better in the morning he would need to take over Easter traditions and I might need to go to hospital. He suggested a heating pad and i fell asleep with it on my side. I prayed that I would not ruin Easter with a trip to the ER.

April 13...the pain was back. And by Thursday, April 16, the pain was so bad that I became nauseous and wanted to stay in bed. My mom really wanted me to go to the doctor. I told her if the pain continued I would go to the doctor. Friday and still in pain so I started talking doctor visit but I was concerned about the corona virus. Would it be safe to go?

I chose to stay home and rest.  I just could not risk a deadly virus because of a pain in my side.  

My View from the Sun Room Begins

March 27, 2020

In the last week of December of 2019, I found myself in a spiritual state that I did not think possible. I had just gone to the funeral of a young man who was so amazing and in the prime of his life. Now gone and so many in a state of turmoil. I knew that God had a plan so it was not that I doubted his plan. I just felt that there were things in my own life that I was not allowing to be let go. 

So I decided to give 2020 over to a more prayerful life. I was going to pray more specifically with a novena format. This was my new year resolution and I started off right with a Novena of Surrender to God’s Will. I truly thought this was to release myself from taking control of the lives of others. What I did not know is that God had other plans for me. Funny how that works!  Haha

Within a week of completing this novena, I found that God was calling me to resign my position as DRE. I loved this job but it was taking me away from my family 40-60 hours a week and some times more. I gave my two week notice but was asked to remain until the end of May. I told the priest that God was calling me to  resign immediately and I just knew that it was the right choice. I knew this even though the next two weeks were spent in tears and stress that I was letting others down making this choice. And yet I still was at peace because God was telling me to do this. I know...it is so hard to explain. 

Once my two weeks were complete and resignation was officially announced, I spent the first two months (February and March 2020) getting my home life back on track.  This was looking great so I decided it was time to tackle my health.  In the last two years, I had gained a lot of weight (50 lbs) and the children were not doing as well as I liked either.  SO...this was the day to start a new routine.  We were would turn on the music and dance.  A fun way to get the blood pumping.  It felt good!  But the next day, I told my mom that I had over done it.  My back was killing me and I should have taken it slower.

After a couple of days of back pain, I felt well enough to move on but I had a bit of a “stomach bug” by the end of the week. I did not think much of it because the two littles had a stomach bug and I must have it also. Life continues on with not much concern.

A Novena Surrendering to God's Will

I had determined that this year was going to be different. I had given up on traditional resolutions and had great plans to take control of my life and my family through a more spiritual approach. I think it is kind of funny to think back on that day now. 

I was going to take control...that truly was my thought...but in doing so my plan was to begin praying more for myself and others. I was going to follow a traditional Catholic method of praying various novenas (9 days of centered prayer) with intentions for different people throughout the year. 

My first novena was quite fitting ...a novena dedicated to surrendering to God’s will...which has now become the main theme of 2020 in our house. 

It is funny that even now I find it difficult to surrender. I trust God but I still want my hand in the pot. I even know that all that does to a situation is stir up trouble but there I am wanting control even as I pray to give up my control. If only I could let go and let God have it all without question. 

On January 1, I began the novena with the thought of giving over to God my control of my children. I felt like I was trying so hard to guide them away from difficulties. I think as parents we do this naturally. We want what is best for them so we try to take control of their decisions. So there I was giving that part of myself to God to take control. 

However, I found by the end of the 9 days that I had so much more to surrender. And I did not know if I could do it. I felt that I was being called to surrender my self directed identity as the Director of Religious Education. That was who I was and I did not want to give it up. But the urgency was there calling me in that direction. I struggled with that decision. I did not want to give up that control. I did not want to give up the responsibility that I had for others. 

And yet, God knew I had to give it up to save myself. And if I truly wanted to surrender and let God have control, then I had to let that go. The funny part about it...once I let go and followed God’s will, I felt such a peace wash over me. I still was emotional about the decision and felt such a loss in those last days on the job. I also felt very alone. I had no one to turn to for support. Those at work were trying to get me to stay which I knew was against God’s desire. I could not turn to my family and friends because I did not think they would understand how much I was losing by giving up what I loved. The struggle was real and almost like a battle within me to choose beyond my understanding. However, I knew that the decision was right because I felt at peace knowing it was the right choice to leave. Even when I was pressured to find a way to stay, I knew deep in my heart that I needed to walk away. 

So much more to say about control. I will write more on this later because unpacking this demon is complicated.