Glorifying God In Spite of Life Difficulties

 September 30 (Wednesday)...  

I started out the day with Mass. Today we celebrate one of my favorite saints...St Jerome. He is well known for his dedication in translating the Bible to the vernacular of his day. His translation is known as the Vulgate which was used to spread the message of the Gospel throughout the Roman empire. However, I have always been drawn to him for his straightforward letters to explain the faith. He worked on the Bible translation and wrote letters to those with questions from a cave outside of Bethlehem.  A practical theologian that I could relate was especially nice to consider when I was working on my theology degree. Hard to believe that was over ten years ago!  

“Lord God, your words were found and I consumed them; your word became the joy and the happiness of my heart.”  Jeremiah 15:16

This was the closing prayer for Mass. And I thought it was quite fitting as I left from here to pick up my mom for her cardiologist appointment.  May her heart be full of joy and happiness today was my prayer. 

Almost three hours later, my mom walked out of her appointment satisfied that her doctor was making good decisions for her health. He asked her if she had had a heart attack in the past. She had already told him in previous appointment her history. He said there was definitely signs of weakness that concern him. He was insistent with his questions about past episodes that might have been overlooked  (i.e. fainting, passing out, black outs, etc.) but my mom has never had any of these issues. 

He then asked if she would be willing to add a new medication, which she agreed as long as it did not cause her to have breathing issues (she has had experience with this medication in the past). He would also like to do an angioplasty and if needed he will do a stint at the time. It isn't scheduled, but we are thinking it will happen in the next two weeks. This will add to our October schedule, but somehow we will fit this in to our already busy month. 

We came home and finished up the remainder of our school day. Sean had been begging to take me to a movie and this turned out to be a good night. It turned out we had a private showing of “Infidel.”  It was a great movie about an American Christian held hostage for his faith in Iran. I encourage others to go see it. 

At our family prayer last night, it seemed fitting to remember that we are all called to follow in the path portrayed in the movie. And also seen in the life of St.Jerome: 

“Remember your leaders who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.”  (Hebrews 13:7)

So, in spite of what happens in our lives... cancer...heart conditions...day to day rumblings of family life...we continue to find ways to glorify the Lord and share with others. 

God bless you all!  We really appreciate your support and prayers through all of these struggles in our lives. God forever remains good and we praise him!!!

Meeting my Neurosurgeon

September 28 (Monday)...

This morning I woke up knowing I had a full day, but it was even more than I realized. We decided that I could drive myself today because it was just a consult with the surgeon. I woke up at 5 am, and I hoped to be out the door by 6am but I was a little late.  

I had other plans before the appointment.  For those who do not know, I have always felt called to pray in front of abortion clinics.  I have been a sidewalk counselor (and post-abortive counselor) for about 20 years.  So, I had an extra hour this morning and chose to go out and pray at the clinic with another family.  

On the way to the clinic, I decided to turn on the Catholic radio station.  I thought it would be the morning Rosary.  However, it turned out to be the start of a pre-recorded talk about anointing of the sick.  It was a great talk and wish I had a way to share the recording.  I have studied about anointing through my theology degree, but this priest explained it so well and I learned things about the sacrament I had never heard before.  But I must have needed to hear this talk because it began as soon as I got in the car at home and it ended just as I pulled up to the clinic.  So that means the program started around 6:15am and ended at 6:50am...I just thought it odd that it did not start or end as most programs at the top of the hour or half hour.   Regardless, it gave me much to think about throughout the day.

I then spent my hour in prayer in front of the clinic that was already stating to have patients arrive before 7am.  It was a windy morning but I came prepared.  As I prayed, I thought about how precious life can be.  I am so thankful for the opportunity to be able to pray for others to see that God is there for them in the struggles of life...knowing this not just for themselves but also for their unborn.

I left to make it to my appointment with plenty of time to spare.  That worked out well because I was the first patient of the morning and I was seen almost immediately upon arrival.  After a view of the scans and an exam, the neurosurgeon agreed that I would be a good patient for a successful operation.  He showed me the scans from before the bone radiation and after...it is quite fascinating to see.  As soon as approval from the insurance and an MRI could be completed, he would add me to his surgery schedule.  I knew the insurance approval would not take long so I had an MRI scheduled for later in the day.  

I had a little time after I left the neurosurgeon before the MRI, but not enough time to go home.  It was nice to just have a little quiet time even it was just sitting in the parking lot of the imaging facility. 

My Facebook feed had this verse that I had posted a couple of years ago pop up for me to remember.  I thought it fitting for today and the past week of events:

"Brothers, you have been called and chosen: work all the harder to justify it. If you do all these things there is no danger that you will ever fall away. In this way you will be granted admittance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 1:10-11

I thought checking in early might help the process go quicker, but I ended up waiting an hour after my appointment to have even more time to ponder life.  Nothing wrong with that.  However, I did eventually ask if they were saving the best for last, when I looked up to find the waiting room empty!  Ha Ha!

Once I was in the imaging room, I was helped by two very attentive technicians.  I must be getting used to these scans because it was not near as bad as the first two MRIs done earlier in the year.  I really have just learned to let them cover me with a warm blanket,  close my eyes and pray.  If I can do this before going in that metal tube, I have little worry that those walls will close in on me!  This scan took an hour and it did not even bother me.  Mission accomplished...and out the door heading for home again.

My mom already had dinner started by the time I got home.  The crew were working toward completing school.  I was able to sit down and take a short nap before Michael made it home.  We had a quiet evening and then I got to talk to my brother, Christopher, to wish him a happy birthday!  Then I was asleep with little trouble after a long day.  

God bless...and continue to pray, as we have more appointments to come as the week goes on.

An Anointing Full of Meaning

 September 27 (Sunday) ...

I cannot tell you how blessed I am to have such a supportive priest.  I left a message with him last Friday about the newly diagnosed cancer in my hip bone. This morning was the first opportunity to speak to him and I planned on talking to him after Mass. However, as soon as we arrived, he approached me with concern on his face. 

He asked how I was feeling and I assured him I felt no new pain. He then surprised me by asking if he could anoint me during Mass. In spite of my ability to speak in front of others, I really do not like to be the center of attention, especially not during Mass. However, I had wanted to talk to him about an anointing so I felt like this was providential. I agreed to the anointing directly after his homily. 

His homily was all about love for others and sharing in the gifts God has given us. Then I was called to the front. I was quite humbled to stand before everyone as Fr. Martin blessed me with Chrism oils and asked the congregation to pray for me as well. 

At the end of Mass, Fr. Martin surprised me further. He encouraged the entire congregation to find some way to support our family. He said we should build our community around the love God wants to share and we in turn must share that love with others. He felt that God was calling our parish to build community around helping our family. He felt God wanted me to be around for many years to come and our parish should pray in earnest for my healing. 

Wow!  That was pretty amazing!  I actually sat in my chair for several minutes after Mass asking God to use me as he willed. Also in thanksgiving for guiding us to this parish. 

I spent the remainder of the day resting. No knives for me!  Michael made dinner. I began preparing for the second half of the discernment retreat that will take place next weekend. It will be a busy week of doctor appointments. 

Thanks again for all of your prayers. I ask that you concentrate any prayers toward my neurosurgeon, Dr. Jude, and my radiologist, Dr. Z. And of course, continued prayers for Dr. Drengler. Please also pray for my mother’s cardiologist, Dr. Kuri. 

Thank you!  God bless!

Trying to Get Our Mind Off the Obvious

September 25 (Friday)... Today I began the day with Mass. I thought it fitting that I be the one to read the passage from Ecclesiastes:

”There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every thing under the heavens. ... What advantage has the worker from his toil? I have considered the task that God has appointed for the sons of men to be busied about. He has made everything appropriate to its time, and has put the timeless into their hearts, without man’s ever discovering, from beginning to end, the work which God has done.” (Full passage Ecclesiastes 3:1-11)

We have to be open to God’s timing. And today I felt that the time was right to enjoy a day in small town USA. We had completed all our school for the week. We were off to spend the day in Wimberley.  We had a great time exploring the town. For those who don’t know the area, it is such a great place to explore. It is actually a touristy spot with lots of little shops and eateries along the center of town. What brought us to the area?  Painted boots!  There are 50 larger than life boots in this little town and we wanted to see as many as we could. It turned out to be a busy day so we only saw about half of them but we had fun trying to spot them around town. Then we enjoyed lunch before heading home. 

Now, you might ask how this relates to the passage above. I think that at the surface, it is just about having a time to laugh. But really going deeper, it has to do with a time to live. I have said this many times now. I am learning to live with cancer. I have been so blessed with so much energy. After learning the cancer has spread beyond what we thought, I could have used that energy to sulk and say woe is me. But I just could not do that. 

As I told the ladies who assist Fr. Martin after Mass... I am not feeling any pain in my hip or other areas. I feel like dancing!  So, obviously God has given me this gift of energy for some better purpose. I will use it for good.  Today it was to take my mom and children to Wimberley. 

However, I am also excited to be able to spend tomorrow leading a retreat for our diocese. I have been working toward this day for almost a year. And now with my new experience of cancer, I feel even more prepared to lead this ministry discernment retreat. We all are called to find where God is leading us to serve. Just as the passage says...”there is a time for every thing! ....I have considered the task that God has appointed for the sons of men to be busied about! “  Not busied about in aimless wanderings but in the direction that God will take us. In his homily, Fr. Martin made this final remark, “It is time to live in the reality of today.”  We are not promised another moment, so we should live for the time we have now!

What a refreshing day in the beautiful small town hub!  My friend asked why I was not home resting!  I thought breathing in a little bit of small town air was more refreshing!  Now I am ready to go out and share how others can find God’s gifts in their lives. 

Have you found how God is calling you?  If the answer is yes, then I pray you not forget he is with you in your mission. If the answer is no, then I pray you spend some time in prayer (maybe even go on a discernment retreat) to discover how God is calling you!  I truly will be praying for you all tomorrow during the quiet moments of the day. 

God bless you all!!!

Getting Ready for Back Surgery and then the Whammy!

September 24 (Thursday)... 

I want to thank all my prayer warriors once again for storming heaven for me. I got a call Tuesday afternoon from the neurosurgeon office. I have an appointment scheduled for Monday to discuss the plans for back surgery or even if that is what is needed. 

They did ask that I have a different CT scan done of my back. So a new scan was quickly scheduled for yesterday afternoon. The scan took place without any difficulty. I have become quite the pro at praying my way through the procedure. 

However, I did have two things happen as part of the procedure. One shows how awesome the medical staff at the center are in caring for me. The second is just silly. 

In order to have the scan done quickly, the clinic scheduled my appointment for after 5pm. The problem with this was my port. I would need to be accessed and that could only take place at the chemo treatment room. So I arrived an hour early to allow for time before they went home for the day. Nurse Brent accessed my port but was very concerned because they would all be gone by the time I had my scan complete. I assured him that we had worked out for another nurse on call to help me after the procedure. He showed concern but since I had a plan, he would leave as scheduled. Well, at least that is what he told me. When I returned after the scans, I was surprised to see Brent was still in the treatment room. He told me that he just wanted to be there from start to finish. He would sleep better at night knowing I had been taken care of properly. He also remembered that I had a sensitivity to the latex bandages, and had the correct bandage to avoid irritation to my skin. Nice guy!!

The funny thing happened when I was actually at the scan. I was called back to the exam room by a technician I had not met. He was bald and had a very pronounced roman nose. He helped me to the room and onto the exam table. He even positioned me properly. I then closed my eyes and began praying. However, he talked me the through the procedure which lasted about twenty minutes. When all was done, I opened my eyes and I was a little fuzzy in the head and off balance. He did not notice because he had walked away to complete some paperwork. He was standing bent over his desk, so I could not see him. I always like to know the staff by name so I asked him his name. He told my he was Sergio as he turned back to face me. He no longer was bald but had a full head of hair and no roman nose. I had to laugh!!  They had switched off sometime within the procedure!!!  I remembered Sergio from my last scan!!!  I told him they he and his fellow tech should not do that to a person!  I really thought I had gone a little loopy!  We both had a little laugh over the mix up. Oh my!  

After yesterday going so smoothly, I was not prepared for the news I was given this afternoon. I wish I could say it was another mix up. However, I got a call that Dr. Drengler had gone over my bone scan. The cancer in the bone has spread again and I have been referred back to the radiologist. I now have cancer in my right hip bone and possibly other areas that we will need to watch closely. 

We are not wasting any time, as I already have an appointment scheduled to talk to radiologist next week. I will most likely will need radiation to these new areas as soon as possible.  I guess it was not meant for me to rest in between chemo treatments. I will be quite busy next week with my appointments and my mom.  

Funny thing is I have more energy now and not in pain so I guess I am being held up to continue on in this battle by all your prayers. I continue to be so humbled by all who pray for me. I know there are many of you praying for me more than I pray for myself. I have also been blessed by two of my prayer warriors who have made me protective masks. I was brought to tears Tuesday after Mass by the beautiful gift of mask and head covering from a fellow parishioner. The other mask was given about six weeks ago but I had set it aside during one of my difficult moments and misplaced it. I have it now and it is such a nice one too. I will use them when going to Mass. 

Always remember that God is good all the time!  I trust in him and I know that he will not fail me. He shares his love for me through others who are open to his message. Praise God!!

A Sneak Peak at my New 'Do

September 22 (Tuesday) ... I have had some of you ask if my hair has started to grow back. I think it is kind of funny. When i was completely bald and had a smooth head, i had no problem going around in public. However, now that the hair is starting to come back it is kind of awkward. I am not even sure what color my hair will be as it is different in various places on my head. I must admit, I will wear a cap until I have a full head of something. But for those of my faithful prayer warriors who are curious, I will post an updated photo in the comments. I just ask that you not laugh if you take a peek!  

God bless you!  Have an amazing day full of joy and laughter!

A Fun Geo-Camper Weekend

September 18-20 (weekend)... so our family had this plan to go camping. But we did not know if it was going to be possible. We had to plan this trip over a month ago and with my situation we were not sure of anything. But it was a good opportunity to try because it would be with a group of geocachers and we knew Michael would have help with our crew if needed. So I started thinking about how to have a hotel near by, how to find the equipment we would need and have an exit plan should I need it. It turned out to be easy...a nice hotel was available 15 minutes from the state park with reservations that could be canceled if we had to back out...my friend, Nancy, offered to drive me and could take me home if needed any time during the weekend...we got a great deal on a tent...it was meant for us to enjoy this camping adventure. 

So Friday, while I was helping my mom with her stress test, Michael was packing up the vehicle and heading out the door with our crew. Once I knew my mom was OK, I would follow later with Nancy. 

It was a great weekend for all of us. The weather was perfect for camping with highs in the 80s during the day and 60s at night. And clear skies to enjoy the night sky in this Dark Sky park. 

The best part was being able to go and not have a lot of questions about my cancer. Either people did not know or they decide not to ask. Either way, we could enjoy the camping and nature without a lot of focus on what was happening back home (although I did check on my mom each day and she informed me that many were calling to check on her). Most of the weekend my stomach was upset and my back hurt but I felt the best option was to work through it. I stayed on flat trails and took lots of time to rest. Being a part of a group allowed the rest of the crew time to go on harder trails. 

I did think it was funny that the organizer of the weekend came to me at the end and said she was glad I was healthy again and I could enjoy the weekend. I just smiled and told her it was nice to be out in nature. I guess my plan to live regardless of the cancer is working if people do not realize that I am not well. And compared to how I looked even three months ago, I probably do appear to look healthy.  I have come along way in the last few weeks. Besides, this weekend was really more about my family enjoying a fun experience. I went along to enjoy watching them. As one of the crew likes to say...mission accomplished!  

Add to the awesome weekend...we arrived home in time to rush Sean to work. We had no plans for dinner but one of our friends called and offered to drop off a meal Sunday afternoon. We arrived home just an hour before she came with dinner!  We could not have made a better plan!  

Now for a couple of weeks of unknown days of resting before the chemo begins again. I am sure there will be more updates but for now we will just focus on school and resting. 

God bless you all.

A Rough Morning for Mom

September 18 (Friday)... I wanted to give an update for all those who are praying for my mom. I took her to have her chemical stress test early this morning. We do not have her results nut she made it through the test a little nauseous and light headed, but otherwise she felt all went well. We were not told how long the test would take and a quick search on line had us thinking it would be an hour long test. It turned out to be a three hour test that was delayed an hour. So this made for a long morning. She was glad to be home again when all was complete. 

I was glad to be able to take her to the test. And while I waited I ran an errand that was well over due. My brother Adrian and I were talking about my desire to find a cedar chest for Amanda. It turns out Adrian is really good at finding good deals and he had one tracked down in San Antonio before our conversation was over!  That was earlier in the week and we saw that it was close to mom’s fest location, so I took a chance the chest would still be available at the end of the week. I arrived to find that the chest was even more beautiful than the pictures. And the man at the store knew it was meant for me and lowered the price. I now have the joy of being able to fill it with her special items we have kept over the years. Praying that one day I will be able to share it with Amanda in person. 

I was able to pick up the chest and take it home. I encouraged Michael and the crew to complete their tasks (more on that in a different post) before heading back to mom. Thankfully, I thought to grab some lunch before heading back to wait in the parking lot. Also it was a nice breezy day so with the windows rolled down I was able to enjoy my wait for mom. 

I was so glad to see her walk out of the clinic!  Even with the busy morning, I just wanted to know she had made it through that test without any problems. And a big thank you to all who were praying for her and all who called to check on her in the afternoon. I know she appreciated both. One more hurdle complete to determine what the plan if action will be to keep her healthy. 

God bless to all!

Double Duty at the Cancer Clinic Today

 September 16 (Wednesday)...

What can I say?  Another round of chemo complete. Praise God!

  

I was able to complete the round multi-tasking through a bone scan too!  

I started out the day having my port accessed because that is what I was told was needed when the bone scan was ordered. Turns out I just needed the exercise of running up and down floors in the building. No harm done there...I need the exercise!  

Got down to lab for the administration of the contrast needed for the bone scan right on time. The nice tech, Marisa, said no port was needed and I grew concerned due to the last attempt at accessing a vein. She did not seem too concerned and I found out why as she stuck me quickly in the arm to give me the dose of contrast. I was so surprised that I did not have to think about it hurting. And it didn’t hurt a bit!  Marisa can stick me anytime!  Then she gave me a “get out chemo” and “no long waiting in line for scan” card, so I could return to her in three hours. 

Raced back up to the chemo room to get started with treatment. I was a little disappointed that Nurse Cindy would not have me today. But I was taken care of by Nurse Cherie and she did a great job!  She not only was a great nurse but she helped me stay hydrated so the contrast was able to run its course through my body. 

The only problem I had was the typical rash my body seems to use to relieve the body of excess chemo. And the added pain of my new allergy to adhesive. It is unfortunate and painful (my top layer of skin feels like it was burned around my port area) but it will heal. And we now know not to use the adhesive bandage after an access. 

The three hour treatment went by quickly and I was able to run back downstairs on time for the second part of the bone scan. Marisa was ready and waiting for me. I had my next opportunity to lay flat on my back but she covered me nicely with a warm blanket and I was able to pray in a meditative state with little effort. The full body bone scan was done in less than thirty minutes. Dr. Drengler should have the results by the next day. I will call and see what he says tomorrow. 

A good day ending this round of treatments. My prayer request for my prayer warriors is to find a way to get me on the schedule of a very busy neurosurgeon. If i need the back repair, I would rather have it sooner than later. 

Thank you all!  God bless you!

Suffering out of Obedience

September 15 (Tuesday)...another “easy” day of chemo. Mainly rash on neck and legs but the time went by quickly so not much to say on that part of my day. I had my Tough Nurse again today but it was an easy run so all was good and we chatted about family today. 

Forgot to mention yesterday that my mom got some lab work back and showed her cholesterol was improved from last set of labs done in March. She attributes this change to some of the essential oils she started taking when this all started six weeks ago. She also started back on her low carb/low sodiun diet but only in the last two weeks so not contributing to her change yet. She did have some high levels in other tests, so we continue to pray for her improvement. She has another test on Friday. 

With more time to reflect on the concept of suffering, I thought today was a nice follow up on yesterday as we celebrate the traditional feast in honor of Our Lady of Sorrows. It must not have been easy being the mother of the Savior. She faced the sorrows of his arrest and persecution that would lead to his crucifixion. Yet she stayed near him throughout that day and his dead body was laid in her arms before burial. 

We read the following passage today at Mass:

“In the days when Christ was in the flesh, he offered prayers and supplications with loud cries and tears to the one who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered; and when he was made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him.”  Hebrews 5:7-9

Jesus became man...knowing he would die. And yet, he still cried out in prayer to the Father. And he was obedient. 

The last line is puzzling...it states “he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him.”  The passage just speaks of suffering and I can only take this to mean that we are also asked to suffer out of obedience as Christ has done. Yes, we will follow in his message of joy and hope as well, but obedience cannot stop with what makes us happy. However, if we can accept the suffering times in our lives knowing the hope of a better end, we can unite our sufferings with Christ as Mary does. And we will also have the joys of eternal life with Christ in heaven. 

The Mass ended today with this prayer:  

“Rejoice when you share in the sufferings of Christ, that you may also rejoice exultantly when his glory is revealed.” 1 Peter 4:13

“Having received the Sacrament of eternal redemption, we humbly ask, O Lord, that, honoring how the Blessed Virgin Mary suffered with her Son, we may complete in ourselves for the Church’s sake what is lacking in the sufferings of Christ.  Who lives and reigns for ever and ever.”  Amen. 

I feel this desire to share in the sufferings of Christ knowing that I can one day rejoice. But also in the hope that others gain from this shared suffering and turn to  Christ in a more profound way. God is working through me in amazing ways. I have never been so blessed. I know God will be with me  through it all. How i can i complain about that. It seems like a good place to be. I pray for my family (and friends) to know this blessing through my cancer so they do not have to suffer. But really we all have a journey of suffering in our lives. So i just pray that they learn to see God working with me so they remember that God will help them when they are suffering one day. 

May God bless you all in all the joys and sufferings in your life as well.

Some Chemo Reflection Exalting the Cross

September 14 (Monday)... First day of chemo for this round went well. Really the same old same old for the first day. So nothing to be concerned about or changes. I continue to have the rash come and go. I continue to have neck pain that we hope to resolve with the back surgery. And I continue to have an upset stomach so I don’t eat as much (maybe that is not such a bad thing). 

My mom did not need to wait around because Nancy was kind enough to pick me up. We were so glad she could stay and enjoy dinner with us.   

Today is a traditional day to celebrate the Exaltation of the Cross. So we had a nice yet simple meal. My mom prepped and I was able to complete while we waited for Michael to arrive. We had a nice evening with food and conversation. We even had a simple dessert to end the meal!

  

Since I had time to reflect during chemo, I will share with you these verses and thoughts:

“Christ suffered for you,

and left you an example

to have you follow in his footsteps...

By his wounds, you were healed.”

1 Peter 2:21-24

and

“If then, we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with him. We know that Christ, raised from the dead, dies no more; death no longer has power over him. As to his death, he died to sin once and for all; as to his life, he lives for God. Consequently, you too must think of yourselves as [being] dead to sin and living for God in Christ Jesus.”  Romans 6:8-11

So as I reflected on these verses for the day, I could not help but think about the suffering I now deal with each day. But also the others I see each day here in the chemo room. And even further, all the world suffering in just our daily lives. Think if we do not suffer in misery and depressed, but instead offer our sufferings to unite with Christ. 

Peter tells us that Christ gave us the example. He followed the will of the Father out of obedience. We are called to follow in his footsteps. So that leads me to believe that we must also follow the will of the Father by accepting the sufferings of our lives. Jesus did not go around upset and depressed and he knew how his life would end!  He lived his life full of joy and hope. He did this knowing he would die a horrific death to save us from our sins. 

The second passage also speaks of dying to sin and living for God. Paul is telling us to give up our selfish desires and think of others as God thinks of others. Just think of what a wonderful world we would live in should we live with this in mind. It would be like heaven on earth!

  

Thy kingdom come, Lord!  Amen!!  Alleluia!!  

“We should glory in the Cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, in whom is our salvation, life and resurrection, through whom we are saved and delivered.“ Galatians 6:14

🎶 Lift high the Cross, the love of Christ proclaim 

        till all the world adore his sacred name. 🎶

A Moving Experience All Around

September 11 (Friday)...

Because we went to sleep early it was easy to have everyone up by 0600 again and quickly having breakfast before heading across town to the new location. While we waited for house deals to be completed, we found a great way to pass the time. 

Geocaching, of course!  We had a great time exploring my brother’s new location one geocache at a time. We had actually been in this area in March before the pandemic had begun to shut everything down. So it was good to come back to this area again. He has a great neighborhood to enjoy!  

While we were driving around, I got a phone call from Dr. Drengler’s office. If you have not figured it out by now, he doesn’t want me to wait for anything!  He has me set up next week for round five of chemo treatments Monday through Wednesday. Then by the end of the week (not Friday because we already have plans for mom’s testing), he wants me to have a full body bone scan. And, he is really working to get me into see the neurosurgeon as soon as possible. I am supposed to hear from that office no later than Monday afternoon.  Also the genetic counseling should happen soon but not sure how I could possibly fit that in next week. We will see. So as you can see next week is going to be busy!!

I got off the phone just in time to hear my brother was finishing up and we planned to meet at his new house for lunch. Then the crew got busy unloading the truck. So proud of my energetic crew who were so willing to help out. We were done in record time!  We thought we were going to go out to eat and head home but I think we were all too tired to make the drive home. We decided to stay the night and we will head back in the morning. Besides it was a lot of fun to have half of my brothers together talking and laughing to want to leave. We really need to get together more often!  

One added side note about geocaching that I just have to share. I am a part of a geocaching community on Facebook. This last week the facilitator of the group has been promoting her new t shirt of the month subscription with daily challenges. There were prizes each day with a grand prize promised at the end of the week. Well, the idea was to share a different themed shirt each day and engage with the group after telling an interesting story. I had so much fun talking to fellow geocachers from across the United States and beyond all week.  

Each day I would listen in on her live feed and be happy for the daily winners. But yesterday we were finishing up the move and I missed the grand prize winner announcement. Turns out that winner was ME!!!  And the reason I was chosen is because I like to interact with the various people on the posts but also because she liked hearing about how much I enjoy our favorite pastime while fighting cancer!  

One person shared a shirt early in the week that read “Geocaching is my therapy” and I just felt that was a perfect saying and I used that idea in several of my posts to others struggling with similar issues. Because it really is one of my motivators to get out of the house with our crew and have fun. Also there were so many like minded people this week who just want to enjoy life that it was a joy to chat with them. 

Anyway, I won the prize and I was so excited to end the week of challenges with the grand prize. Also, that many more people praying for me and rooting me on to be better!  It was nice way to end the week. 

So I have the weekend to rest and prepare for the week to come. I am looking forward to resting closer to home. Thanks for all the messages after my scan report. Some private messages I received showed concern that I was upset. I guess I was a little down after the visit with Dr. Drengler but I guess I always want to be the overachiever. I got my pity party over with quickly and then my mom and Michael reminded me how much I have improved since April. I was reminded that have much to be thankful and I really have improved. So, I march on into the battle for another round. 

God bless you all for your support and prayers. Your messages of encouragement mean so much to me. I feel like I have an army of warriors surrounding me as I go into the next phase of treatments.

Taking Care of Mom and Moving my Brother

September 10 (Thursday )...I thought I would have time to send out this update yesterday but we just ran out of time in our day. 

We started out Thursday morning at 0600 with a drive to my mom’s next heart appointment for lab work and an echo-cardiogram. We will not know results until the end of the month after all tests are competed. However, we are one step closer to having answers for her health issues. She has been very proactive by going back on a low carb diet and taking some essential oils I had heard about for this issue. Exercising has been harder to start again because so few places are open with a pool. This is how she likes to have her workout so we need to find a way to make that possible. We did buy a mini elliptical that is not so hard on the knees. Personally, I think she looks great. But she has to wait and see what the doctors tell her. 

Then we zoomed home and packed up our things for a trip to Austin area. We were going to help my brother load and unload his moving truck. Don’t worry!  My mom and I were good girls and let the younger crew do the hard work of loading the vans with direction from my two younger brothers. 

I was impressed with all the crew to follow directions and get the truck packed. But when I think about it, they should all be pros after all of our moves!  Even LittleMiss was busy with everything she could find to help. We found out real quick that she can lift more than just the small stuff. And she was determined to help until the job was done!  The others worked hard to make it happen also!  

A long tiring day but it ended well. With the truck loaded Thursday night, we all went to bed early exhausted from our efforts and hopefully ready for the next day. 

God bless you all!

Focusing on the Good News

September 9 (Wednesday)... I guess you could say that I got good news and bad news today. Dr. Drengler and my mom say I should focus on the good news and be thankful for the progress made. And I AM thankful for all the good news, but I am such a goal oriented person. You know I have to fight back the urge I have to take control. It is just driving me crazy! I can see why Christians flogged themselves. It’s like I want to beat that urge out of myself. But I won’t do that. I think i will start playing some praise and worship music instead. 

OK. I have the music going. Enough beating myself up about my failings.

 

The good news is that the radiation to my liver has reduced the liver masses by 60-70%. Dr. Drengler was especially pleased by that news.  There also appear to be no new lesions in my liver. 

He also talked with me about my genetic testing. The cancer is not a genetic mutation that can be passed on to my children. Also, there is no genetic indicator that my parents passed this mutation to me which means my siblings and their children do not have a chance of this cancer through genetics. That leads him to believe the cancer is just bad luck through some unknown environmental source. I am supposed to follow up with a genetics counselor in the near future. 

The bad news to me was the discussion we had about my back. As you know from my past posts, I have never fully recovered from the cancer in my lower back (T10 vertebrae). The pain is not bad enough for medication; however, I have felt a bulge there for about three months. I had hoped the discomfort would go away after radiation to the bone. Although it was better, it never felt right. Well, the scan showed that I have a compression fracture. So, Dr. D is suggesting I meet with a neurosurgeon to repair that vertebrae. This consultation should happen sometime in the next month. This surgeon will likely want an MRI done before the procedure. You all know how much I love that scan!  

I will have my next round of chemo treatments(#5) next week. Then I will have round 6 in three weeks. After these treatments are done, he would like me to have another PET scan done. However, it will be a different procedure because my liver cancer did not show up as it should have in my first PET scan.  I will also have a bone scan done. 

Three points I want to make clear. 

Number 1...My treatments will not be over in October. Dr. D made it perfectly clear that at the end of round six chemo I do not get to ring the bell to celebrate. For those of you who have not experienced cancer, this is a big deal in the cancer world. We already know I will have more chemo in my future. I kind of knew this going in so I am not surprised. I just want my prayer warriors to know because I still have a long road ahead of me. 

Number 2... many have asked why they do not just remove the affected parts of my liver. Others ask why the doctor does not add me to a liver transplant list. I have read about these options myself and it sounds like a plausible solution.  So, I spoke to Dr. D about this today. I wanted to make sure I was correct before sending this out to all of you. He told me that this option is completely ruled out for two reasons... I have a healthy liver that is functioning around the tumors. But more importantly, my cancer has already metastasized beyond my liver. This means that any attempt to remove my liver would likely cause this aggressive cancer to spread. So, this is not an option. 

Number 3...I ask that you continue to pray. I do believe in miracles but we also need to be realistic. I am living with cancer. We will be maintaining to reduce the size of the liver tumors. We will have preventative chemo to reduce the spread. We are holding out for better options in the future, but these are the current options. I trust my oncologist to help me through these treatments. He continues to emphasize that he thinks about my case often. 

Most important in all of this is my continued trust in God. He is with me and he loves me, my family and all of you!  He does not leave our side in these times of struggling. And I know that I am not in control  See...no flogging necessary...I already knew the answer. Maybe the praise and worship music helped too!  

God bless you all!  God is good all the time!

Getting Back into a Routine

September 8 (Tuesday)... I started out the day with an upset stomach. But the day must go on. Second day of school and wanted to get through most of the school day before my appointment. 

I got to the CT scan on time and was called back right away. What a nice surprise!!  

Then the tech decided that he would need to start an IV for the contrast instead of using my port. Let’s just say things did not go well. And I was getting up from the table insisting he let me go up stairs to have my port accessed!  

I was so concerned but it also reminded me of when I was young. If I got a splinter and my mom would suggest she remove it, I would hide under the table, lock myself in my room or beg to go to the bathroom. I guess begging to go upstairs was my grown up way of saying, don’t hurt me! 

Anyway, I was accessed and returned to the tech for CT scan.  All was done in less than 15 minutes...just enough time to have a little prayer time with our Blessed Mary on her birthday.  Then back upstairs to get de-accessed. 

All done lickety split!  No harm done. Now we wait for results. 

Went home and we finished school for the day. Thankful the meal we had provided by our friend Angie Artho. It was great!  Well the family thought so and i was glad not to cook. The upset stomach continued throughout the day. It really is more of an annoyance than anything. And I am just not hungry. With not eating and having a daily one mile walk to start out our school day, maybe I will finally lose a few pounds.  

So pray that results come back positive. I should know some time tomorrow what the doctor thinks about all he sees. 

God bless you all!

Etiquette Boot Camp

Update for the last week. Sorry I have not been on this last week. We spent last week getting back into a routine. We also had what I like to call Etiquette Boot Camp.  Maybe you can learn from our experience. 

Day 1:  I had everyone choose a partner and stand in front of them for five minutes without looking away. I told them that when we look another person in the eyes we should see Jesus. It did not matter how the other person acted toward us. We should remember that etiquette rules were about showing others respect, dignity and love. If we remember this there will be no question about how we treat others. We then discussed ways to assist others using the etiquette rules for phone calls and dining. 

Day 2:  This time everyone chose a partner and stood back to back for five minutes. They were encouraged to close their eyes and pray for their partner. I told them that the etiquette rules were designed for us to support each other. Just as we stood back to back and then in prayer, we are called to help each other.  Etiquette rules like opening a door or waiting before interrupting a conversation....these are all rules to support a person in need. 

Day 3. Now stand side by side your partner for five minutes. This is to show that we must walk side by side another person. The idea that the etiquette rules are in place to share in the experience of another. We can offer help better if we can experience the path of another. We should try to think about what it fees like to walk in their shoes. We then talked about the etiquette rules regarding conversations. 

It was a great way to start out the new school year.  It was very low key and little prep time needed. That was helpful because last week I started feeling bad. Not terrible. I just had this feeling like I had a stomach bug. By Thursday, I stopped wanting to eat and just tried to stay close to home. It never got really bad and I guess I have gone so long without much of this type of side effect that I just thought it would go away. Well I am hoping it will be over before I start another round. 

Today was our first day of school (pictures posted in my regular Fb feed). We had a good start. Hard to believe we have been doing this for 23 years. We were done with all subjects by 1pm. 

We normally would have waited until tomorrow to start but it was nice having Michael home on the first day to help. Also the rest of the week is going to be busy with a lot of things, so we needed this day to get in a full week of school. I am so glad we know the routine and the first week is a review. 

Tomorrow I have a CT scan so I am hoping for good results. 

I pray all of you are well. God bless you all.

More to Control than Meets the Eye

So...I am not the only one who struggles with wanting to have control in my life.  I get that...but it is still a struggle.  I say I want to give my life to Christ but still want to have a say in what that means. 

I guess the real struggle is trying to determine if I am following God's will.  And then accepting this guidance.  Some days I get it and I am at peace.  But on those days when the choice is not so obvious or when God's will does not seem to match up with what I think is right...those are the rough days.  

I have been reading the Mass readings throughout the week and I cannot help but laugh.  It was as if God was speaking to me.  

"Brothers and sisters:

Let no one deceive himself.  If anyone among you considers himself wise in this age, let him become a fool, so as to become wise.

For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in the eyes of God,

for it is written: 

God catches the wise in their own ruses, 

and again:

The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain.

So let no one boast about human beings, for everything belongs to you, Paul or Apollos or Cephas, or the world or life or death, or the present or the future:  all belong to you, and you to Christ, and Christ to God."  1 Corinthians 3:18-23

So I have said this before and I will say it again...I want to be a fool for Christ.  It just seems to work better when I remember this reality.  I can never be in complete control...there are too many factors playing out around me.  But, I can rely on God to guide me if I am willing to let him.

I think (especially as a parent) I fall into the trap that I do not want bad things to happen to me and those I love. But no matter how much we try to control our lives we eventually come to the realization that we are not in control of all situations. If I have learned nothing more than this in 2020, then I will gain more than I ever need.  We are not in control.  No matter how much we want to believe we can force our influence on others, we are really only a small part of this world.  And as the world spins around, there are others making choices too.  And sometimes things like cancer happen. I did all I could to keep our family healthy but cancer still happened. 

We can only take in what is available to us and give back what we have available to give.  I can only take in love and give back love.  I can only reject evil and pray for those who choose this over love.  

And when I have the urge to control a situation, I must remind myself that I am a fool for Christ.  I am not wiser than the wisdom given to me.  I cannot be the force that makes others choose love.  I can only be the love of Christ shining through to others.  If that manifests into influencing others to see Christ in their lives, then to God be the glory.  Because it is shown in this verse:

"...neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything,

but only God, who causes the growth.  He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive wages in proportion to his labor.  For we are God’s co-workers; you are God’s field, God’s building."   1 Corinthians 3:7

And when my little world does not seem to be under my control, I need to remember that perfection cannot be obtained in this world.  I need to accept that my control should be focused on dying to myself and living for Christ.  And not being so hard on myself when I stumble along the journey.  We spend too much time judging others and ourselves.  The readings from the Bible also remind me that:

"It does not concern me in the least that I be judged by you or any human tribunal; I do not even pass judgment on myself;

I am not conscious of anything against me, but I do not thereby stand acquitted; the one who judges me is the Lord."  1 Corinthians 4: 3-4

At the end of the day, yes there are demons nagging away at us.  We all face struggles and should unpack that baggage from time to time and try to rid ourselves of the extra weight.  Then we walk a little lighter as we head to our final destination.  God gives us the days we need on this earth to figure that out.  I hope I am able to use my days wisely.  I pray that you will do the same.  

God bless all of you!

Letting God Take Control

Control. What exactly does that word mean anyway?

Control:  Noun:  the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events

I can raise my hand to the fact that I have had this force in my life. 

I type and I think about what I am thinking and feeling as I open up this baggage for the second time this week. I find that when the baggage is opened it is like I am seeing the items inside for the first time. It is like I did not even pack the suitcase. Even though I know the items inside, I am surprised to see them there. 

I typed the words and I think it odd the words I choose. “I have had this force”. Wow!  Like it is a super power to influence people. 

Force:  Noun:  coercion or compulsion, especially with the use or threat of violence.

            Verb:  make (someone) do something against their will.

Wow!  It makes it sound so terrible!  Have I done this?  Yes. And it brings that baggage to a close. I don’t want to think about it anymore. That is why the items in the bag look so familiar. Because I did pack that bag long ago and I have slammed it shut and hid it away for another day. 

But today I see the baggage and I know the day must come when I face the demon that keeps me from moving forward. 

So I go back to the original thought that I want control. I want to know what is coming without surprises so I put myself in a place to influence. But I also want others in my life to not have surprises in their lives. Surprises that may hurt them so I place myself in a place of influence for their needs as well. 

I never saw this as a problem because I only wanted what was best for myself and those I love. I want everyone to be happy. But who am I to decide what is best?  Why is it my way?  

Then I step away from this post. I need to think about it from a different view. I wrestle with myself about my motivation to have control of a situation. I see that it is not necessarily about control so much as my intent to have a say to bring good into a situation. In doing so, I have not allowed free will for someone else. I have taken away their opportunity to choose right over wrong. I have forced them to take on something they might not be ready to handle. Maybe in my control to have what is “right” in my mind has disallowed someone (even myself) to have what God wanted in their lives. 

I know that over these many years I have forced a path and we hit a road block. Sometimes I would plow through forcing myself and others to push on. Or I circumvent and find a new way around the block. Looking back that has not always worked out so well. Funny how when this happened...THEN I would seek God’s will and see the roadblocks removed to take the right path. Why do I not learn?  

God is so gracious!  Because in spite of my desire to be in control time and time again....he steps back and gives me the free will to try it my way. I fail and then I have to regroup and let God’s will in my life. 

So, I now see that in trying to be control I take that opportunity away from others too. My influence is not helpful if my intent is not following God’s will. It reminds me of a verse:

    “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a         clanging cymbal.” (1 Corinthians 13:1)

And what is love?  Love in all things is God. So if I do not have love then all my influence in the world is for nothing. And forcing even a good into the lives of others and myself is control that does not help any of us. 

I still think there is more to this issue. But even my head is exploding from this revelation. I need to go deeper still to understand. Maybe another day soon I will be able to pull out this baggage and empty it out fully.