July 9 (Thursday) ... for some reason radiologists like to do “dry runs” ... so today I arrived at the clinic to see what will be happening to me starting Monday.
Last week a mask was made of the front half of my head. This mask will be used to mark the readings for the radiation to my skull. I suppose this is better than the tattoo markings on my face. However, anyone who has followed this adventure from the beginning knows that I have a claustrophobic tendency. I hate to dwell on this but this issue continues to present itself.
Today I met the two person team who will assist the radiologist. They are great! So patient and reassuring. But ultimately we (the medical team and myself) all know that we have to get this done. So all kindness aside, they proceed with what needs to happen.
I am going to describe my experience because I need to have it in my narrative. However, I also hope my prayer warriors will see the importance of specific prayer for me centered on this part of the procedure. I know the power of prayer because even my own attempt to pray for strength during procedure helped me tremendously.
I am placed flat on my back with my legs propped up slightly. My head is then placed on a block. The molded mask created for me on my first visit is placed on my head. It looks like it is made of mesh but it is hardened. My glands in my thyroid are swollen due to weakened immunity from the chemo treatments. This issue will be addressed in my next round of chemo but it adds to the trapped feeling of the mask today. The mask actually comes down over my neck to hold it in place. No matter how it is positioned it tends to push on those glands.
The mask is then placed into an apparatus that suctions me to the table. I am trapped but I can breathe through the netting. Had my glands not been swollen i could probably breathe through my mouth but I feel like i am gulping for air so this affects my glands. I choose to only breathe consciously through my nose. Slow breaths in and out. I close my eyes even though Mike says it is not necessary. It makes me feel calmer like I am just going to sleep.
As I breathe in and out the repetitive prayer begins. Concentrate on God’s goodness and ignore what is happening. I have a better understanding of how Peter felt walking across the water towards Jesus. When I focus on him, I know it is possible but then I think about the fact that I am trapped, fear tries to take over. I try to get my focus back on Jesus. I can do this. Breathe in and out.
Twenty minutes goes by as they adjust the machines around me. Mike and Karen assure me that as they make the adjustments, their goal is to shorten the time if possible.
My thoughts go back to something I have done over the years to cope with unpleasant times in my life. I tell myself...I can do anything for set amount of time. In this case... I can do anything for twenty minutes. I can be trapped in this mask for twenty minutes. I can pray for the end of suffering of others and remove myself from my own thoughts of suffering for twenty minutes.
And just when I think I cannot do it for one more second. Right when I begin to feel like the panic within me would help me break away from this table I am on and rip the mask away. Mike is there telling me that it is almost over. He has not left me. I calm myself again knowing that Jesus is telling me that he has not left me. He suffers with me.
And then the mask is gone and I can breathe naturally. I can make it through the remaining twenty-five minutes of adjustments to set up the radiation for my back and femur.
I can do this. This is going to help stop the cancer from eating away at my bones. This will allow my bones time to heal. This will help alleviate the pain and pressure that causes me discomfort. I can do this for forty-five minutes over the ten days needed for treatment. This is what will help me overcome my anxiety.
Please center your prayers for me on this need along with the chemo treatments to be effective without too many side effects. Please continue to pray for the medical team and their needs also.
God is good all the time!!! I trust in him! Praise God for allowing me to have the treatments needed. All the time God is good!!!
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