We Will Take the Good News When We Can Get It

July 29 (Wednesday)... I have been enjoying several days without incident. I have had high energy level and able to complete basic tasks around the house. I even enjoyed a nice drive out on some nearby country roads (for those who know me that means I added some smiley faces to my geo-map).  So not a lot to report other than lots of praise and thanksgiving for so many days filled with normal activities.  

Tomorrow I ask for special prayers. I will be going in early in the morning for my second round of liver radiation. This is another all day procedure and will like being very tiring. There is always the possibility of adverse reactions as well. 

Tonight I just rest and say some extra prayers myself. These prayers include any needs you might have to be lifted up to God. I pray for all my prayer warriors daily.  God bless you all!!

July 30 (Thursday)... When a doctor tells you he does not want to see you again, I have learned to take this as good news. 

I went in early this morning to have my second radiation treatment to my liver. I completed the embolization with little incident. Spent my three hours of designated time flat on my back to ensure I was not having any internal bleeding. I voiced my concern that my back bone was weak from radiation, so the radiologist ensured me that he would make it easier for me during the recovery period. And he did that with little side effects (only a slight headache) so I really had an easy time today. Ending the time with him telling me that he was happy to tell me that he would probably not see me again. Yay! 

 

The only excitement of the day came when I was leaving via the nurse driven wheelchair. We started out the door to the exit when we were stopped. The way was blocked by a nurse refusing to let us even open the door. My nurse turned back and said she had a different path. We came to a second guarded door!  She looked down at me and asked if I knew what was happening. I told her that I thought they must be transferring a Covid-19 patient. Yes, and now she was going to take me on a tour of the hospital. What should have taken two minutes, ended up taking 15 minutes. However, she was determined to keep me safe and away from the very sick patient. 

Once again, I am so thankful for my medical staff. I am sad to lose another great group of caregivers. However, so thankful this part of my treatment is over. Praying this radiation will continue to shrink those tumors down to nothing. 

At this time, doctors tell me this is only a way to keep the tumors contained within my liver. However, God knows the plan. I believe in his ability to shrink these tumors so they never cause pain and suffering again. Ultimately, I trust God to give me the time on this earth to complete my mission he has given me. 

I returned home earlier than expected and enjoyed a restful evening taking in the view from my sun room. Thanks for the prayers as I know the peace I felt was from the grace of God answering your unified prayers. God bless you all!!

July 31 (Friday)... Well the day after treatment always seems to be the worst for me. I really am out of sorts and then just fatigue. Now that we all know that here, we try to just let it go. I rest and the others do what they can to make things work. And if things don’t happen, we save it for another day. 

So not much to report for the day. 

I did make contact with the priest for a new parish that is trying to start. I had a big surprise that I will share tomorrow. 

Setting Goals and Meeting Them

July 26 (Sunday)... after yesterday’s post about how terrible I felt, I am so glad to report that the pain never came back. And I enjoyed my Sunday with quite the adventure. 

I woke up and I actually stopped...thought about how I was feeling. Thought about it again to be sure. No pain in my left shoulder area shooting out of my chest. No pain in my back. Only the “normal” (how funny that I now call this normal) back pressure that causes discomfort. I walked around and no change. I let out a sigh of relief. 

You see I had big plans for the day and I did not want anything to get in the way if at all possible. 

We went to Mass (the crew in person and myself via the video provided) to start out our day. Fr Jim gave such an amazing homily about the pearl of great price being salvation.  He also spoke about living in this world takes discernment to navigate with love and joy in spite of the weeds that surround us.  He also spoke to Michael before Mass about having someone bring my mom and I communion.  That would be so wonderful!  

We then gathered the crew and left mom behind (hopefully to enjoy a quiet day) to take a short trip. Unfortunately, we also had to drop Sean off at work but he was OK with this because he knew he would make this trip for himself in the near future (fingers crossed). 

Where did we go?  I drove the crew to the south side of Austin!!  It really was a short trip for us (our long trips could lead us on adventures even outside of the state at the drop of a hat in the ”good old days”) but it was also a trial run to see if my bag of bones (quite literally) could handle that amount of time in a vehicle. I figure discomfort is going to be there whether I am sitting in a chair at home or in a car. I have decided I need to learn to live with cancer instead sit at home all the time. I have no intention of zooming out the door all the time but it gets a person down even when i have a great view from my sun room. 

So, why did we pick south Austin on this lovely rainy day?  The goal might not make sense to most but it was a happy occasion for this momma. I will probably even go so far as to say I was more excited than my crew. We were meeting a geocacher from Austin to sign a logbook in an ammo can. Thankfully the rain stopped during the time we were at the practically deserted park. 

For those of you who have not heard my love for geocaching, just know it is a hobby where you look for an object placed by others who give coordinates on the map. Google it or ask me about it any time. 

So with geocaching, there are also challenges. And one big challenge is to find a geocache in every county in Texas (254 counties). It is such an accomplishment that it leads to a big occasion when signing the logbook. And this comes only after verifying that the geocacher has indeed met the challenge. As a family team, we signed the logbook 18 months ago in front of the state Capitol. However, individually there were a few counties the children had missed. So we helped them complete the counties (several extra miles on the vehicle and quite the adventure) just as the Covid-19 situation was coming into our lives as a nation. In fact, our last trip was taken to complete their counties with worries about our safety. We were even trying to decide if it would be safer to camp out in our car instead of getting a hotel for the night. This was also just before my painful experience that led to my cancer diagnosis. Again I say, God is so good...he knew my desire regardless of the somewhat earthly ambition to complete this endeavor and we were allowed this opportunity at just the right time. 

Then once completed (with our dear friend, Nancy also enjoying the adventure and goal met) all craziness broke lose. This made the verification process take longer. Which was also interesting timing because obviously I was not able to function well enough to take the crew on even a short trip until now. And so here we were on this day making it all come together to place our three youngest on the official record for this challenge. Celebrating would just be our crew, Nancy, and the keeper of the logbook...all keeping our social distance with masks on. Further celebration will take place at a special annual event next March (of course that will only happen if we can knock out this pandemic). 

We enjoyed talking about our adventures we had along the way. We talked so much that the honored crew got bored. They can not stand to sit for too long. Haha. But mission accomplished and a big hooray, especially for our little miss who is now the youngest person to complete the challenge, she was excited to pose for pictures before making the trip home. 

Sorry this is such a long post just to give you an update on how I am dealing with cancer. However, it was an important part of the journey for me. Once again, finding out how I will live with cancer. Making special days special without thinking about cancer. Being able to drive the miles needed to make it possible. Maybe even realizing that I did not even think about the pressure in my back all day because I left my “comfort” zone and lived outside of the pain. 

It was a good day. It was a long day. We came home and enjoyed dinner together. Mom had spent the day of quiet talking on the phone. She might have been just as exhausted as we were. Haha. 

After dinner, we had our family prayers. Then I enjoyed a nice phone call with a friend. Had a text chat with another friend to thank her for my cup of tea. 

Then something amazing happened. I have not talked about this in my posts but I have mentioned it to some who have visited with me. I have had such discomfort since March that I could not sleep in my bed. I have spent the last four and half months sleeping while sitting in a chair. Laying on my side was completely impossible. So a couple of nights ago, I tried sleeping in bed again but I could inly handle a short amount of time. But last night I fell asleep in bed and did not wake up until 4am. I was able to enjoy a full night’s sleep in my bed!!  I am telling you... I am learning to praise God for these little treasures more and more each day!  

So...a long post to really state that God is good!  I am so thankful for these moments. Taking a chance and living life to the fullest with God’s grace to see me through the difficult moments. I am so happy to be living through this roller coaster ride. I am so thankful for those of you who share it with me. 

God bless you!!

My Ducks in a Row

July 25 (Saturday)... I always said I was not going to have a sugar coated story of my cancer experience. So even though I know I am going to hear from family and friends (I know you love me!) about how I need to stop overdoing it on my good days, I am going to post about my experience today. 

I woke up this morning still feeling great!  I was glad to have another good start with energy to enjoy. I was able to make breakfast for the family. Then I had a virtual class (I have been working on this church project since February) that would last until noon. 

Everything was going great!  Michael even commented that I really must being feeling better. He probably said this because I was going through the house giving suggestions about what the family could do instead of cling to their mechanical devices of choice. A momma’s job is never done!  

I enjoyed my 3-hour class and felt blessed to be a part of the group in some small way. I am now one step closer to being a trained facilitator for the diocese. 

It was lunch time but I did not feel hungry, so I sat down for a short rest. Then I decided I needed to do something crazy...this might be too much information for some... but I took my first soak in a tub in FOUR MONTHS!!!  I am not even sure if I was released to do this because I had been advised not to do this along the way for various reasons. But I thought it through and none of those reasons were still an issue. Add to that, I still had the permanent marker drawings on my body from the radiation treatments. Those markings were not needed, so I needed that nice soak to remove the marks. 

I told Michael I was going in and to be close by in case my back seized up or I could not get out of the tub. No big deal!  I enjoyed my time with my duckies!  I got some peace and quiet from the crew. All was good!  I even got out of the tub without incident. 

However, when I made it back to my view from the sun room, I felt something was not right. I cannot even explain exactly how I felt. It was like I had heartburn coming out of my back. My back did not hurt but felt like it was going to explode there was so much pressure. Also the pressure was not in my lower back...the pressure was between my shoulder blades. 

I was sitting in my chair and telling Michael I was afraid to move. Then I had sharp shooting pain ...like a needle...coming out below my left shoulder. I was in such pain!  It was not a constant pain which might have been bearable. The shooting pain would come randomly and was very intense. My back also continued to feel pressure. 

Michael got my mom and she suggested I try to get up and move around. So I did this and it did seem to stop the shooting pain but my back continued to feel the pressure. 

This would continue off and on through out the evening. I am not sure what caused this to happen. I have never had any heart issues so I feel confident I am not all of a sudden having those issues. But I will be communicating these concerns with my oncologist to see if this could be a a side effect from any of my treatments. 

I am writing this the next morning and I feel fine again. Maybe I did overdo it. I did not feel like I did anything that strenuous. I thought it might have had something to do with the hot water since I was told not to use heat on my areas of treatment. But I thought that was only during treatment period. 

We will just see how this manifests itself now. Praying is my tool of action at this time. And I offer up any pain I am having for family and friends who are currently suffering the loss of life due to corona virus. I can only imagine their suffering is worse than mine as they mourn. 

God bless you!

Planning for the Children and More

 July 24 (Friday)... I woke up with so much energy even I was shocked!  

I spent the morning working on high school transcript for our soon to be senior. We needed to determine what his final year of school would look like to choose curriculum. Turns out he only needs four classes. Yay!  

I got so excited about how easy his year was going to work for us. So I pulled up the school plan for our other two little sweeties. We follow curriculum from a well known school of choice so it is easy to plan. Turns out I am only short one book for the 6th grade and consumable books for the 3rd grade. That makes me want to do a dance!  We could practically start school next week!  Children are saying nope!  We have always waited for the Monday after Labor Day with a review of books and schedule the week before. No rush!  

However, this got this school girl even more energized!  And it was a good thing because I had an early morning appointment with NP Wendy. Today we had Sean tagging along with us so we could take him to work. So off we went for the day’s adventure. 

The appointment brought good news from the lab results. I continue to show good counts on all the blood platelets and other markers. I still remain a little anemic but not low enough to worry as my iron remains on target. 

I asked a few questions about my health.  However, the best part of the visit was asking about being able to drive again. I have not been able to drive a vehicle since the beginning of May. I have now been released to drive so watch out world. Or at least within ten miles of our house because I don’t think my family will let me drive further than that distance. Besides no long road trips in my future just yet. 

When I made it back out to the parking lot, we still had 4 hours until my radiation treatment. So we decided to check to see how busy our local warehouse store would be at this time of day. We had tried for a month to get an order ready for pick up but it was never available. We knew we were going to need food supply soon. When we arrived it was surprisingly slow so we zoomed around the store with ease. Yay!  Mission accomplished without a lot of hassle or exposure. 

We then grabbed some lunch at a local diner. Yes, we ate inside where we could enjoy air conditioning. But they were super sensitive to keeping their patrons safe and they had amazing food!  

We were still an hour early but I decided to give it a try and go in early. It was like they were waiting for me!  I brought a small gift to thank the medical staff who made the radiation a good experience. They were so thankful!  I was early but they had a time slot available so I zoomed through my last zapping of the bones with radiation. Yay!!!  

I have not mentioned music since those first days on the table with my face covered with mask trying to breathe. This is mainly is because I never really had to focus on the music after that...prayer was enough. But I did think the song I heard today was fitting way to end. The song was “Rocket Man” by Elton John. Although the words really do not relate, I was so energized from the knowledge that bone radiation was complete that I think I could skyrocket right out of that room!  

But leave it to Mike to bring me back down to earth and be humbled.  Mike walked me out of the treatment area and said I was a good person. He was glad to call me friend but he was convinced they got the cancer and he never wanted to see me again. Oh I hugged him...I know I was not supposed to do it but I did!  I told him that I know his job is hard and he was the cheerleader of the group with his positive energy. I told him that we pray for all my medical team daily. He would not be forgotten as I tell my story!  A good moment to walk away with a confidence that prayers are being answered. 

We were so early that we had time to go home before needing to take Sean to work. Yay! 

 

And to add to the day... I got to actually drive a car today!  As fate would have it, we had taken one of the vehicles in for a small repair and the job was completed right after dropping off Sean for work. My mom was a little nervous because she was worried I would be too tired. However, I assured her I would be fine. She left before me so the company could finish washing the vehicle. It took a little longer than we thought so I felt like I was 16 again. It did not help that my phone battery was so low I could not call her. I pulled into the driveway with my Mom right there with her own momma bear look. Oh my goodness! 

What a great day!!!  Lots of good news and adventure rolled into one long joyful day.  Praise be to God!!!

Just Three Things!

 July 23 (Thursday)... three things today. 

First of all, I felt the first real effects of the radiation last night. I have known all along that the radiation was going to basically tear me down (zapping away at the cancer) so I could be built back up again. 

If the radiation did its job, my back (along with the other areas) will be very weak and need to mend. Last night I had severe spasm in my back. Thankfully the spasms do not last long and are not very frequent. So I feel like the best option is to keep my activity level low. I will also be meeting with oncologist tomorrow to determine any other options.  I suppose my other areas that have been radiated are also weak and will heal, but my back has (had?) the largest mass so it will likely take the longest to heal and need extra support. 

Second, for those who might be wondering from my latest posts...the school we chose for the youngest two turned out to not be the fit we had hoped. I feel even more confident that they will remain in our little one room school house. I will be looking for ways to keep then actively involved with other children.  The nice thing about homeschooling is the flexibility that comes with the structure. I look forward to year #23 of homeschooling. Time to get organized and have a plan of action if I am not well. 

Final thing to share..  Zaira asked me to guess how my hair will grow back. So we thought it would be fun to have a little poll. Join in the comments your choice (I tried to make a poll but I could not get it to work on my phone.)

Straight hair

Curly hair

Blonde

Same as before

Red head

Thanks for all who ate praying.  God bless!!

Uplifting Moments

July 22 (Wednesday)...I don’t have a real update but thankful for another day of bone radiation complete. Also, I know that my next round of radiation to my liver is planned for July 30. 

I thought I would share some uplifting moments from my day. 

Before I left for the day, our Little Miss came in to watch me get ready. She stood above me on the edge of the tub so she could watch me brush my teeth. Oh the joys of motherhood!  Who knew brushing teeth could be so exciting!!! Then she bent over to kiss me on the top of my bald head!  I told her she was very sweet. And then she says with a grin...I would kiss you more if your little hairs did not poke my lips!  Ouch!  Ha ha!!!  

Then I was off to have my eyes re-examined. I did not like the way my new prescription (from February) was working so I wanted to verify that the medications were not effecting my eyes. 

Due to all this virus, the owner of the clinic is allowing her employees to bring their children to work. One little sweetie (maybe 3yo) happened into my exam room while I was waiting. She looked at me for an awkward second (I was not wearing a cover over my head) and then looks me over completely. She then says... I like your toes!!  Before zooming out the door!  So sweet to find something nice to say to this old bald lady!   Ha ha!  

And then off to radiation. Mike continues to greet me and encourage me through the treatments. Today he asked how I was doing so I simply said I was well but momma bear had to come out to protect her cubs. He laughed and radiation proceeded. At the very end of radiation, he came up to me and bent down to whisper...”you are a better teacher then she will ever dream of being. And you have already forgotten more than she will ever know.”  

Wow!  I did not even tell him what i meant about needing to be momma bear. How did he know I was struggling with an assessment given to our Little Miss?  How did he know i had to defend my understanding of education to an administrator?  How did he know that I was starting to doubt myself after twenty two years of homeschooling?  And did he know that those words made me want to cry like a baby but also soar like an eagle all at the same time?  Nope!  He had already left the room to zap the cancer in my bones!  Ha ha!  

Little moments throughout the day that gave me joy!  But also moments that encourage me to make decisions. What a day!

Vulnerable But Not Neglected

 July 21 (Tuesday)...

One of the last duties added to my job before I resigned from my position was a class to teach about protecting our Vulnerable Adults. I loved teaching this class to our staff and volunteers. I felt as church, wanting to protect those who are participants in our various ministries, we should want to provide the best care for all who come through our doors. The class gave some helpful lessons in what a Vulnerable Adult meant and how to protect them from harm. 

I would always start every training with the following line...

"We never know when we will be the one considered a Vulnerable Adult. There are many ways to fall into this status and we will need others to care for us in a compassionate way."

I would then joke that I was in fact a Vulnerable Adult as an overworked staff member. 

Oh how I foretold my status and how quickly it truly can change!  

So I am now thankful that, although vulnerable due to my health, I am well taken care of by family and friends. I am truly blessed. 

So my update for the last two days is pretty simple. The radiation treatments continue to go well. I have no side effects from the radiation. I feel like I have to be town down to have my build itself back up. So my back continues to be a discomfort. But I am learning to work around it in small ways. 

Due to my lack of hair, the mask for radiation does not fit as snug as they like so they have to adjust it during the treatment. It is not comfortable but I know it is only a short time so I make it work. 

Mike continues to be a cheerleader for the cause. He takes me back to the treatment room and encourages me to relax so I can make it through the procedure. I am so thankful for my radiation team. 

The chemo round side effects are similar to the first round with fatigue, sore muscles and slight nausea.  I have been watching for signs of lower white blood count and I do believe my counts are down at this time. I now have inflammation of my glands so I think I am starting the downward slide. I now try to stay away from extra people. Not hard since i was already trying to stay away from people.  I have blood drawn on Friday so I will see if I am right about my body’s reaction. 

Meals continue to come. We enjoyed MOJO soup from Brenda Mark on Monday. And a fabulous stew from Don and Judy Francis today. We cannot thank all of our friends enough for taking this burden off our plate (pun intended).   

I was happy to hear from my dear friend, Holly Gonzales, today also. She called at just the right time as if she knew I needed to hear her calming voice. More on why that was needed in a later post when we work out details about a situation not specifically related to cancer. Regardless, I was glad to talk to a kindred soul at that moment. 

God bless to all!!

My Children Mean So Much

Today was a special day for me. Due to a situation, I was reminded how much I love my children. How I will do anything for them to make their lives easier but also let them stumble a little to see them grow. Watch out when Momma Bear comes out to defend her cubs!  

All my children have really stepped up to be more helpful during this time. I cannot be more proud of them. 

Amanda, I hope you know how much I love you. In spite of the distance and not always talking to each other like I had hoped, you are my one who is loved. I hope you will come visit us when you are able. 

Christina, God brought you into our lives late in life but you are counted as one of my own. I cannot imagine you and your smile not being in our lives. You are a joy to know and watch grow as a young mother and wife.

Sean, your joy of life is contagious. I have always admired your ability to love everyone you meet and see them as friends. You are so intelligent and in spite of every stumbling block you find a way to show the world how much you know. 

Henry, your quiet presence and thoughtful understanding of the world is something I envy. You always think before you speak and have the patience of Job around your more exuberant siblings. You are also an amazing artist!  I know God has amazing plans for your gifts!

Edward, my tornado, who can zoom into a room with such energy and force, can take my breath away!  May you use this energy for good as you grow closer to adulthood. 

Brendan, the quiet one with such heart for all you meet. Your compassion is so touching to see. I cannot thank you enough for your strong hugs. I know you are listening to all the adult talk around you and processing it on your own. I am so glad you come to me when you need assurance that all will be OK. 

Zaira, my youngest but the one most full of fire!  You are feisty yet loving, energetic yet calm, showy yet reserved. Today you came and rubbed my head and said you were OK with me not having hair. I know that was a tough hurdle for you. 

May God grant you all the ability to grow as we live through this time in our lives. I pray this situation will make you stronger and more understanding of others who are ill. 

Every one asks how the children are dealing with my cancer. I think they are doing an excellent job of understanding the idea and how this changes our lives. I am blessed to have such a great crew to support me.

Never a Dull Moment

 July 19 (Sunday)... I got off track with my updates!  

I was distracted in a good way on Friday and Saturday with a visit from my brother, Nathan. So glad to have a nice visit with him. He and I just enjoyed talking and playing cards with the family.  Really not much to tell with the cancer treatments anyway. I continue to plug along.  And the only real side effects has been mild nausea and sore muscles. 

I also continue to appreciate meals brought to feed our crew. Lucy brought an amazing brisket. And Brenda Mark and Shawn Mark brought us pizza. 

Funny story about the pizza!  We took it inside right away but I stood outside talking to Brenda and Shawn. Then we joked that the growing boys would eat all the pizzas. So they left and I walked into the house of chaos!  Turns out our Hankie liked the smell of pizza and ate a whole pizza all by himself!  Oh my!!!

So down a pizza, Michael said he would order two from the nearby pizza spot. When he ordered them on line there was a glitch and he ordered double!!  In the end we had enough pizza for two days!!!  Good thing we like pizza!!  

Oh!!  And the dog was banished to the backyard again for the weekend. 

Fun times!!!  We just have to keep things interesting around here!

Second week of radiation this week. I go in every day (Monday-Friday) at 2:30 in the afternoon. Thanks for prayers!

It Is Time for a New Look

July 16 (Thursday)... so I think I finally have the nausea medicine out of my system that caused such a bad reaction. I do have nausea today but not bad and I can use my old medicine to help. 

I had a quick visit from Angie Artho who was so kind to bring my mom a small portable fan for the days she sits in the parking lot. And a puzzle book to pass the time. Yay!  She is looking forward to using the gift!  

Then I made the choice to have my hairdresser, Sarah, shave my head today. I just got tired of hair in the food. And it was going to happen regardless. Now i have a nice new soft head. It is real comfortable and not a lot of care needed. Yay!!

Then we were off to radiation with time to spare. All went well there. Funny that the lack of hair helped the mask fit better but they did need to make some adjustments to the treatment. We were still done within 25 minutes for all areas. 

First thing Mike said was God is a part of this. We have never talked about God during treatment so that was nice to hear and got me in the right mindset for a good treatment. Almost half way through this. 

Then it was back home to set up a reading assessment for our Little Miss. She did great!  I am so proud of her for trying so hard. 

The rest of the afternoon was restful. With a meal delivered to us by our dear friends, Rita and Richard Maspero. Thanks so much!!! 
God bless you all!

A Touch from Jesus

July 15 (Wednesday) ... it was a rough day as I continue to have reactions from the nausea patch. To give you an idea of the roller coaster I am on right now... I started the morning yelling at Michael over a return label he threw away not knowing I needed it. And I ended the day crying my eyes out with him because I felt so blessed to have God in my life and how much I want others to know God’s love like I am feeling. 

Oh what a day it was too!  I got to my radiation treatment at noon. Got started with the mask as usual. It was funny today because as they placed it on me it did not feel hard but more flexible. The mask did not change but my perspective about the mask did. I felt more in control of the process. They finished in record time of 8 minutes. 

Then we moved to the back radiation. In this part of the radiation I have my hands above my head and I hold onto these short poles coming out of the metal bed. This helps me to remain still so they can position me. It is not difficult to do this for a short time. Mike knows that the treatment is easier for me if my eyes are closed so he is always sensitive to let me know when he has to enter my space. He will always tell me he is coming into the room and then touch my hand so I know he is there. 

Today I felt a touch on my left hand but Mike had not told me he was there. I thought that was strange so I opened my eyes. Mike was not there!  No one was in the room!  The radiation had started and the nurses leave the room to not be exposed. And yet, someone was holding my hand. I could feel someone holding my hand!!!  I closed my eyes again and took in this joyful presence of God being there with me. No need for music today. God was there holding my hand through my treatment. 

And then I went to chemo. It was an easy one to end this round of treatments. Just four more rounds to go. The IV played some tricks on me but we got it done. I think my arms have just been poked too many times. But I will have two weeks to rest the veins before the next round. 

Not sure if I mentioned but I am completely off pain medication again. I am trying to use only Tylenol as needed and I have not needed it. Yay!!  Still minor discomfort in the back. Also I have a headache but we all agree it is most likely a reaction to the nausea patch. If it is still a problem tomorrow, I will call Dr. Drengler and see what he thinks I should do. 

Glad to have a more restful day. Pretty boring day really. I am starting to really enjoy these boring days. Touched with just enough grace to keep me going on this roller coaster. 

God bless!!!

My Body Does not Like This

 July 14 (Tuesday)... 

Well, today started out with a little trouble. If you read through the long post yesterday, then you know I was already having some issues. However, I thought that was all coincidence. 

I woke up with a terrible headache and upset stomach. My first thought was I must be having a reaction from the chemo. So I would need to talk to them when I showed up for chemo treatment. 

So I got ready quickly and out the door for radiation. 

Remember my story about music from yesterday?  Well, today gives a little more humorous side to the mix. I got in position under the mask. And then the music played. And I believe the song was a Toby Kieth song that came out after 9-11. The song is called “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue”. Toward the end of the song he sings...”I’ll put a boot up your ass.”  Not very spiritual thought but I thought to myself if you add Cancer, I’ll put a boot up your ass it would work!  And if you think about it Jesus did say we should allow for righteousness justice. So I think it could work. But I did go back to my Jesus, I trust in you!  And all other songs were played in a way I could not hear. 

Best part of the treatment...they got that mask time down to 8 minutes!!!  Yay!!  I was so happy, I wanted to do a jig around the room!  Finished treatment in record time. Praise God!!!

We had about an hour before we could sneak into Nurse Cindy's chemo schedule. I felt like a high protein breakfast might be in order so we found a Cracker Barrel nearby and were happy to see only a few people in the dining area. We had a great waitress who took care of us, especially my dietary needs. Enjoyed the breakfast but I still was not feeling well. 

Arrived at cancer center and Nurse Cindy was practically waiting for me at the check in. She noticed right away that I was not in a good place. She wanted to know everything!  What did I eat...when did the symptoms start...was I on new medication???  

Then BINGO!!!  I started a nausea patch Sunday evening. She called Dr. D and he said get it off ASAP!!!  Then they put me on my regular anti-inflammatory steroid at 4x the rate. I also went back to regular nausea medicine that I happened to have in my purse. The symptoms were somewhat relieved by the time I ended my treatment but it still took some time. I no only have the headache but bearable.  

 

My mom did have time in the car today but she made it work and only had a little of the 100+ temperatures in the last hour. I remain so grateful for her help!  

We arrived home and I slept a lot. I woke up to go to an intro parent meeting for Zaira's new school. And I got some questions answered. 

Then Sandy arrived with a nice light meal. Just what we needed today. More rest. Then awake enough to write this blog post and have family prayers. 

I am going to hope for a good night rest. Treatment tomorrow starts with radiation at noon and chemo directly after this. So I have no need to rush out the door. 

Pray for the treatments to continue to go smoothly. Pray for the nausea patch to wear off quickly. 

God bless!!

Allowing God to Be My Motivation

 July 13 (Monday) ...Woke up this morning late...5am (since i am usually up by 4am) so I felt like I was in a rush. I thought leftover lasagna sounded good for breakfast. Not a good choice but i would not find that out until two hours later. Just burpy indigestion and more on the carb side instead of the protein even with the meaty homemade sauce. Oh well!   

Then a quick shower (I was given nausea medicine on a patch that was supposed to last seven days. I was told to put it on the night before chemo, which I did yesterday.  However I was told I could take a shower without it coming off.  Well that did not work so i had to take a shorter shower. That was OK because my hair was falling out like crazy. There must be something about the shower that stimulates hair loss. I have posted a picture to show how much is gone. I suppose I have thicker hair then I realized because when i look in a mirror I still have plenty to see. 

I got dressed in a comfortable dress for chemo. At the last second I decided to take some shorts and an under shirt in case I needed this for radiation. Then we were out the door to join rush hour traffic. Arrived early to radiation treatment. But I must have been very anxious because I was shaky from the anticipation of the mask portion. 

Glad I brought the change of clothes because it made a big difference in my radiation treatment. Mike was glad i was making his job easier. Yes!  So glad I got that message from above because anything to help make it easier is a good thing. 

Into the mask... let’s get this over with because no way to make it comfortable. Mike and Karen got the message and proceeded. Then I realized a song was playing in the background. I knew the song (Lady Antebellum- I need You Now) was once a popular song and I always would change the meaning of the chorus to a more spiritual meaning. So it seemed that the chorus was on repeat for the duration of the mask portion of the radiation. I know this is not possible but it is what happened in my mind. And it fit with my continuous prayer ... Jesus, I trust in you!!!  

And then the mask portion was over!!!  What had been an estimated 20-25 minutes was completed in ten minutes!!!  I looked up the song later on and it only lasts 4 minutes in its entirety. All I can say is that I heard the chorus the entire time. The contrast of the song and my prayer was like a battle of the wills because I knew deep in my soul that I was not alone. Jesus was with me! Then the radiation treatment continued without any issues and i left the building in less than an hour. 

On to my next appointment with oncologist and chemo treatments....

I arrived at Dr. Drengler's appointment early but went in and had a nice conversation with his prep nurse while she gathered information and blood for labs. Then I went into an exam room to wait but not for long. 

It seems Dr. Drengler and I have a new start to our consultation visits. He walks in and I ask how he is doing. He says that is his question for me. But I smile and say...But I asked you first!  He smiles back and says he is doing well. Then we begin the review of my days. 

Today he looks tired. Please pray for this man who is doing such a great job. He is literally saving my life. God has placed him with me and I want him to be showered with prayers of blessing. 

He told me that I am looking great and he is pleased with my lab work. I am what he considers a late bloomer. A patient on chemo usually has white blood count crash after the first week. My crash came at the end of week two and it was low. He is now concerned that I might have been even lower had he checked my count 2-3 days prior. So he is changing my lab checks to provide that needed information this round of chemo. If my count is low this time around we will need to add another mix to my chemo treatments. This is an imuno-therapy for the full body chemo to help boost my overall ability to fight off infection. 

He then explains that he also knows of a imuno-therapy that would help my body fight the cancer cells. It has been used for other endocrine cancers but not specifically for the liver so somewhat experimental (previously used for lung cancer) and might not be approved by insurance. Also it would need to be administered by a different oncologist. He seemed to suggest that this would be my call to proceed. However it would not happen until after radiation and second embolization. So pray that we know the right choice when time comes to decide. 

I have a date for the second liver embolization. However, he has a plan to discuss with liver radiologist. So, the date might change. We have time for them to consult and make a decision. 

I then asked him a simple question. I told him I was not here to judge but my curiosity had got the best of me. I needed to know how many liver cancer patients he had worked with in the past. He kind of gave me a funny look and reminded me that primary liver cancer was quite rare. He tried to force the cancer diagnosis away from this result but it always came back to primary liver cancer. Aggressive liver cancer that had spread. I told him I understood the situation. He said he has worked with various endocrine organ cancers in the past. He was confident in his choices for my care. I told him that I was confident in his care also. I told him how proud I was of his willingness to give so much of his time for me. I truly think that had he been able to give me a hug he would have done it at this time. 

Then he looks at me and says... you are a lot of work!  And that was my confirmation that he is thinking about my case a lot. He wants good results. And I believe he is the doctor for me. He will not give up on me. 

I then asked if he had a solution for my mom’s time in the parking lot. He said that this virus is scary and he had to follow the rules to protect everyone involved. I told him I understood. I had already sent my mom home to avoid another 8 hour day. I had my friend, Nancy, pick me up again. 

So we ended the consultation and on to chemo...

Made it to chemo treatment on time and found out I was back with my first round Nurse Cindy, who loves how I keep my toes sticking out of my covers. She is so attentive and loves to hear stories and tell her own stories. A great companion for this time. After all we are together for 2-5 hours for this three-day round of chemo. We might as well enjoy it. 

I take it slow and think about as little as possible. I do think of those who I need to pray for healing of all types- spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. Four hours plus prep work makes for five hours of prayer time minus Nurse Cindy and I talking. 

I did see the nice young mother who sat with me on the first day. She was on the other side of the room but I gave her a wave.  And when she was leaving for the day she stopped to talk. She is getting her chemo closer together and is almost done with her full treatment and looking great!  We will most likely not see each other again. 

At the end of my treatment, I was telling Nurse Cindy about my mom’s long days in the parking lot. Also, how we had a long break between radiation treatment and chemo with nothing to do. So she told me to not wait for chemo. I could come early and she would fit me in to her schedule. That is a huge help!  We will now finish tomorrow at noon instead 3pm. And even though we have no way to get mom out of the parking lot. She will not remain there into the worst of the heat. 

Now we try to figure out Wednesday treatments. To keep everything close together. After this I will only have the radiation for no more than an hour (hopefully 30 minutes!) where my mom can at least sit in a shady spot under the shade of a parking garage. We can do this!  

So I leave chemo treatment without any reactions to meds again.   And Nancy texts to say she is in the parking lot just as I am entering the elevator. Perfect timing!  

I head off to see what is happening at home...Remember that bad choice of a lasagna breakfast ... I ate that breakfast around 6am. I could not find a lunch to take with me so I chose plain crackers from the bottom of my purse. That was my second bad choice of the day. 

So imagine...I am on an adrenaline rush from my anxiety of wearing the mask...then I am given an anti-inflammatory steroid as part of my chemo treatment...and i have not eaten well. I was hydrated so I had that on my side. But let me tell you... I was shaking from the jitters like you would not believe and I had a terrible headache. 

I asked Nancy to stop and pick up something to eat. I tried to eat it but just could not eat in the car. So got home and told everyone to just let me have a few minutes before they talked to me. I ate my meal and sat for a minute or two. 

The children had not seen me all day. They missed me and wanted to just be with me which meant chatter. My mom wanted to hear update. Nancy wanted to stay for just a minute before heading to her own commitments. I listened and gave information. But I was wiped out. It really took into the next day to calm down from the jitters. I will never make that mistake again!  A terrible feeling. 

We were brought a meal from our dear friends...Sandy and Cheri Tummelson. We all enjoyed it very much. 

At dinner the boys all decided to go see a replay of a Star Wars movie at Sean’s theater. I told Michael to take Zaira too. I knew the theater was being cleaned properly and not a lot of people were going. Turned out to be true with only one or two groups there. And it got the crew out of the house so I would not strangle them all. Quite a possibility in my state of being at the time! 

So here is a funny share to help understand how out of it I real was...Before you move on in the story check out the attached screenshot of a cluster of texts sent to my friend.  

I sent that message right after Michael left with the crew around 7pm. Then I went to sleep for just under two hours. I saw she had replied. So I reread my message (I do this for my text threads when there is a gap in time) and saw her reply and I laughed at myself for about ten minutes before sending out my own reply. Too funny for words!!!

Then I decided my mom needed to see the humor of it all, so I started to walk to her side of the house. Just as I was passing the hall way to the bedrooms, out pops Little Miss to tell me she was playing a game on her tablet. She just about scared the radiated hide off me!!  

Continued on to my mom with her in tow. 

One thing that happened with Dr. Drengler is a discussion about my pain meds. We wants me to try to go without and see how I handle the pain. I can always go back on at any time. So I did not take my mid-day dose (I was in chemo treatment at the time so it was an easy skip. 

When i went to find my mom, I mentioned I had a headache so she suggested just a regular Tylenol. So that ended up working. No pain else where. So I think I will try to postpone the morning dose of pain med as far out as possible. Don’t worry ... my mom is a nurse and she will be watching me like a hawk!!!

The boys came back from the movies full of energy. I am so glad I got to rest a little before that  happened!  

We said our family prayers two hours late, but thank goodness God does not care the time or place!!!  Just pray folks!!  And so ended another day with cancer. Lots of lessons learned. Lots of praises too!  God is good!!

A Special Visit from Friends

July 12 (Sunday) ... I finished my two weeks of rest with a weekend visit from two friends who I have known for over 15 years. We all kept as safe as possible in my sun room and enjoyed reminiscing about how we met sitting at park watching our children. Then catching up with each others lives intermingled with cancer talk. We shared meals together and then they were off again too quickly. Funny how that happens for the things we enjoy.  

Thank you for the visit Heidi Frazier and Bette Bittner!  I love you both. God bless you!  

As for me, I continue to do well. No real side effects. I continue to slowly lose my hair. Had to wear a cap while cooking because i hate the idea of hair ending up in the dinner!!  Thanks to my mom who thought ahead and had the caps for me. I imagine this is one reason why some people finally just shave their heads before the hair is completely gone. Not to that point yet but getting close. 

Treatments start up again tomorrow. I  start off the day with radiation at 8am then on to chemo late morning. Tomorrow will be the longest day of the week. Thanks for the continued prayers. God bless you!!!

A Little Disagreement with God

 July 11 (Saturday)... I fussed at God this morning. Haha!!!  

I had plans to go to the second round of Confirmation this morning. I am so blessed to feel well enough to go. I was determined to not have my cancer be broadcast to the students on this day. 

So into the shower I went and off came clumps of hair!  With my fist in the air, I told God it was not right to take my hair now!!  He could stop it long enough for me to be presentable for the Mass. Then I laughed...who am I to tell God anything!!!  Maybe there was someone at Mass who needed to see my bald head!  So I told God I would do it his way. 

Turns out my hair loss was not even noticeable. I would keep my hair for now. So I got ready and was out the door in no time. I made it to the church just in time to give the small gift I had for them as they entered the church. It was wonderful to see them on this special day.

Then one of the families stopped and the mother said ... I like your hair. I said thanks. Then added..it will be nice for a little longer. She continued on toward the sanctuary and then stopped in her tracks. She stepped back and said...what does that mean?  I tried to blow it off but she knew. She said...is it what i think?  There was no denying it. So we talked about prayer and how good God was to reveal this to me at just the right time. It was a brief exchange but it was good. 

I went home feeling great. I got my house ready for company. Then got in a nap so i would be able to enjoy the evening. 

So in the end, God’s plan was best. Who would have thought it so?  Oh how silly we can be sometimes. My hair is not important to me. I was worried it would bring attention to myself. But God took care of the situation.  I just need to remember to trust in Him.

The Mask and the Cure

July 9 (Thursday) ... for some reason radiologists like to do “dry runs” ... so today I arrived at the clinic to see what will be happening to me starting Monday. 

Last week a mask was made of the front half of my head. This mask will be used to mark the readings for the radiation to my skull. I suppose this is better than the tattoo markings on my face.  However, anyone who has followed this adventure from the beginning knows that I have a claustrophobic tendency. I hate to dwell on this but this issue continues to present itself.  

Today I met the two person team who will assist the radiologist. They are great!  So patient and reassuring. But ultimately we (the medical team and myself) all know that we have to get this done. So all kindness aside, they proceed with what needs to happen. 

I am going to describe my experience because I need to have it in my narrative. However, I also hope my prayer warriors will see the importance of specific prayer for me centered on this part of the procedure. I know the power of prayer because even my own attempt to pray for strength during procedure helped me tremendously. 

I am placed flat on my back with my legs propped up slightly. My head is then placed on a block. The molded mask created for me on my first visit is placed on my head. It looks like it is made of mesh but it is hardened. My glands in my thyroid are swollen due to weakened immunity from the chemo treatments. This issue will be addressed in my next round of chemo but it adds to the trapped feeling of the mask today. The mask actually comes down over my neck to hold it in place. No matter how it is positioned it tends to push on those glands. 

The mask is then placed into an apparatus that suctions me to the table. I am trapped but I can breathe through the netting. Had my glands not been swollen i could probably breathe through my mouth but I feel like i am gulping for air so this affects my glands. I choose to only breathe consciously through my nose. Slow breaths in and out. I close my eyes even though Mike says it is not necessary. It makes me feel calmer like I am just going to sleep. 

As I breathe in and out the repetitive prayer begins.  Concentrate on God’s goodness and ignore what is happening. I have a better understanding of how Peter felt walking across the water towards Jesus. When I focus on him, I know it is possible but then I think about the fact that I am trapped, fear tries to take over. I try to get my focus back on Jesus. I can do this. Breathe in and out. 

Twenty minutes goes by as they adjust the machines around me. Mike and Karen assure me that as they make the adjustments, their goal is to shorten the time if possible. 

My thoughts go back to something I have done over the years to cope with unpleasant times in my life. I tell myself...I can do anything for set amount of time. In this case... I can do anything for twenty minutes. I can be trapped in this mask for twenty minutes. I can pray for the end of suffering of others and remove myself from my own thoughts of suffering for twenty minutes. 

And just when I think I cannot do it for one more second. Right when I begin to feel like the panic within me would help me break away from this table I am on and rip the mask away. Mike is there telling me that it is almost over. He has not left me. I calm myself again knowing that Jesus is telling me that he has not left me. He suffers with me. 

And then the mask is gone and I can breathe naturally. I can make it through the remaining twenty-five minutes of adjustments to set up the radiation for my back and femur. 

I can do this. This is going to help stop the cancer from eating away at my bones. This will allow my bones time to heal. This will help alleviate the pain and pressure that causes me discomfort. I can do this for forty-five minutes over the ten days needed for treatment.  This is what will help me overcome my anxiety. 

Please center your prayers for me on this need along with the chemo treatments to be effective without too many side effects. Please continue to pray for the medical team and their needs also. 

God is good all the time!!!  I trust in him!  Praise God for allowing me to have the treatments needed. All the time God is good!!!

What Doesn't Bite You...Makes You Jump Anyway!

July 8 (Wednesday) ... so today while in the shower, the centipede did not attack me... so I took a closer look. Turns out this time it was a hair ball. So the shedding has begun. However, when I tried to brush my hair nothing happened so I guess this is just the beginning. Not sure how long this part of the process takes. We will see. 

Funny thing... about two months ago I looked into buying a robot sweeper. Our entire house is tile and I thought I finally had a grasp on the floor clutter. We call our little machine "Rosie" and she does a great job as long as we pick up the larger clumps of dog hair. Then we have to clean her out periodically of any dog hair we missed. So when I found myself looking at my own hair in the drain today, my thought was ... will I have to clean out Michelle hair from my Rosie now too!  

As I ponder these silly things that come with hair loss, I got the phone call I was waiting for this week. The bone radiologist has the plan of action in place to begin next Monday (10 days of treatment). 

This means I will have chemo treatment in the late morning and then zoom to a different location for my radiation. Another busy week but I am ready after my last two weeks of rest. 

Praying for good results and another round of chemo without severe reactions. God’s blessings to all!!!!

Expectations

 Expectations...we all have them. We think about what the new year will be like. What the day will bring. The idea of what dinner will be and how much you look forward to a favorite planned. A visit with a friend or family member. 

I have often said that I live two lives...the life of expectations and the real life that happens. 

When we started 2020...we were looking forward to a European trip this summer. We talked about other smaller trips too. Then quickly plans changed due to the virus so we set new expectations. Then I found out I had this bugger cancer and expectations changed again. 

Now I feel like every day expectations are set and changed from moment to moment. 

Maybe my personality causes me to set my expectations too high. I need to learn to be more careful in what I expect. So my bar is set lower so I am happy to just have a day without pain. Or a day when I can take a short walk down my block. Most important I need to just be thankful for what the day brings to my experience whether it is good or bad. 

Every day has a silver lining we just have to find it and relax and enjoy it. It all comes back to praising God for me!  But remembering this at the beginning of the day sure makes it easier to find a way to enjoy the day.

Coping with the Changes

July 3 (Friday) ... I am not even sure why but it was a rough day. I woke up with what felt like a knot in my back. Any pressure on it was uncomfortable.  I thought it would just be an annoyance. And I even enjoyed (from my sun room) watching a sweet man who volunteered to trim our massive mesquite tree.  But the discomfort grew more intense throughout the morning. It seemed to put me in a tailspin. 

Add to this discomfort, I was feeling little twinges throughout my abdominal region. And my blood felt like it was thick going through my veins.  All of this was just frustrating more than painful. In the end I just felt out of sorts. 

So by noon, I just asked the children and some family who came to visit that I needed to be left alone. I could not handle anyone. 

I hate that I had no control. But then once the discomfort was under control, I realized that I cannot always have control. I did the right thing in just knowing that i needed to be alone. I hope my children and family know that it was just a passing side effect. This too shall pass. 

The struggle is real. But there is an answer. Prayer and meditation. Being still in the Lord. Letting go of all sensibility and bodily feelings. Not stressing. Not letting others stress me. 

God is good. I will see what tomorrow brings. A new day is all we can ask for along this path we call life.

Preparing for the First Radioactive Zap!

July 2 (Thursday) ... so I laid upon a slab of cold metal today all humility set aside and got to think about how glad i am to be alive with a great team of medical staff to help me through the new experiences. 

No one told me I was going to have to lie there completely naked. It was not a bad experience just humbling to think that I have now been marked as a cancer patient with tattoos to show where the radiation will need to be sent into my bones. The marks are small little dots and only i will know they are there but the marks are there nonetheless.  I really have no emotional misgivings regarding them. It is just a strange surreal thought as if it is not really happening to me. And yet it is. 

The only concern I had with the markings turned out to not be an issue. I arrived for the scan and I was told i would start by having a molded mask made of my face. No tattoos on my temple. Thank goodness!  I will consider the mask my spa treatments for this month. I got my facial done with ease. The markings were placed on the mask which i will now wear when radiation is done to that area. 

The back and femur were completed quickly as well. I was finished with scan in less than an hour. I am told to expect a similar experience every time i have the radiation done.  Minus the tattoo job. 

The radiologist will need to analyze today’s scan. This usually takes a week. So i will likely start treatments as early as next Thursday. I will have this treatment ten consecutive days (not weekends). The treatment is a lot like having a CT scan and no real side effects. There might be radiation burn so prayers that does not happen. 

So that’s the only real update. I continue to rest and enjoy this little break. I have been blessed with only minimal issues like night sweats and fatigue. I am doing well with less pain medicine. I enjoy a morning stroll each day to build up my stamina again. 

Keep up the prayers!  I love all my prayer warriors and my meal providers!  God bless you!!!