December 23 (Wednesday)...
Before I even start, I want to say that this update is probably going to get some responses that I am being too hard on myself. Please realize I am just putting this out as how I feel and not meant to have you all tell me how wrong I am. I just need to get it out and express my feelings.
Yesterday was another awful day. I spent most of it in the toilet room. Not exactly what I had planned as we were finally going to have all of us together at a reasonable hour to decorate the Christmas trees (yep...we wait until the week before Christmas to decorate!!) and then carol around our neighborhood. Instead I watched the family decorate from the living room recliner. And although we went caroling, we really just drove around the neighborhood with our windows rolled down and likely no one heard our off key melodies.
Today I had to go back for a refill of one of the medications that got overlooked on Monday. I took this opportunity to go have a visit with Dr. Drengler’s nurse (Monica). I told her I felt like I was having a repeat of the last round in spite of all the new medication to prevent the side effects. And affer just one day, I was already feeling dehydrated. She understood my concerns and ordered hydration treatment for me and she would discuss my situation with Dr. Drengler.
I had my brave leader along for the ride today because he had the joy of an endoscopy for Christmas! (All was well by the way, except one spot that was sent out for biopsy along his stomach lining. Please pray that is just due to his acid reflux medication.) So off I went to take him to his appointment around the corner and make it back in time for my add on appointment for hydration. By the end of the treatment, I had a call from Monica. I was ordered to stop the medication and be prepared for hydration treatments throughout the weekend. I will meet with Dr. Drengler on Tuesday to determine what will happen next.
I feel like such a failure! My mom says I am just disappointed this new plan did not work. But really...truth be told... I feel like I failed. I really wanted this new plan to work, but my body just could not handle it. I will now likely go back on some intravenous chemo therapy...possibly before the end of the year. My body just could not get this right.
And, obviously I was not meant to be a suffering soul or martyr. I could barely suffer for one day! And I really did offer up my suffering for those who needed healing. I especially prayed (and will continue to pray) for two young people (Rebecca and Jake) who are heroically facing more than I am.
In spite of how I feel it is what it is. And I learned two things. I have a doctor who listens to me. And I know I cannot take that medication. To this I am grateful.
And now I will enjoy Christmas without being medicated. A new plan is in the works for me but for now I will celebrate Christmas with joy!!!
God bless you!!!
COMMENTS
Anne Celeste Merlo
Hugs and more hugs my friend. I hope and pray that minus the medication that doesn’t agree with you and plus hydration for a few days, adds up to some much needed relief
Lucy Spade
🙏❤🙏 Praying for you! You are such a strong woman, wonderful mom and friend. ((((hugs))) - Know that you are greatly loved. I hope yo have a wonderful and blessed Christmas with your family.
Diana Brock Dow
You have blessed me with your positive attitude and even though you have been disappointed this time with your medication, your honesty and openness about your feelings is encouraging to me. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Heidi Frazier
Michelle, I had the exact same feeling when my chemo had to be stopped because my body appeared to have failed me. Cancer does not discriminate and neither does the effects of the treatment. Frankly many of the treatments are like some type of Medieval torture. Yes, torture. You’ve been amazing and full of grace. You’re “doing” a terrific job and all of us are fighting with you in spirit and prayer. I am sending you a terrific squeezy hug. And Merry Christmas!
Angie Fischer Artho
First of all I want to say I would have loved to have seen y'all coming through the streets singing off key. My mind immediately imagines a cross between a Hallmark movie and the Griswald family. 😆 Secondly feelings are neither right or wrong- they just are. Healing journeys are a tumultuous path. Mom would often apologize when her body wouldn't do what her mind felt it should. Your doctor is great to listen to your concerns and respond accordingly. What a gift! Hugs to you today. Merry Christmas
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