The New New Plan

December 29 (Tuesday)...

So I met with Dr Drengler again this morning to discuss what the newest plan would be for this body that doesn’t seem to want to cooperate. His decision is to place me on a pump device that will allow the medicine to be given to me throughout the day and continue with the second medication by pill form. So tomorrow I’ll get hooked up to an IV that will be pumping around the clock for the next five days. I will also continue taking medication for side effects in hopes that it will lessen the worst of these. 

So today we are celebrating the fifth day of Christmas and enjoying Sea World with the crew. Hopefully this new plan will not affect the rest of the days events planned out long ago to celebrate the 12 days. But I know my family will support whatever happens. 

Continued prayers as we work these details out, as it will affect my plan moving forward. 

It is Time for Celebrating!

December 23 (Wednesday)...

Before I even start, I want to say that this update is probably going to get some responses that I am being too hard on myself. Please realize I am just putting this out as how I feel and not meant to have you all tell me how wrong I am. I just need to get it out and express my feelings. 

Yesterday was another awful day. I spent most of it in the toilet room. Not exactly what I had planned as we were finally going to have all of us together at a reasonable hour to decorate the Christmas trees (yep...we wait until the week before Christmas to decorate!!) and then carol around our neighborhood.  Instead I watched the family decorate from the living room recliner. And although we went caroling, we really just drove around the neighborhood with our windows rolled down and likely no one heard our off key melodies. 

Today I had to go back for a refill of one of the medications that got overlooked on Monday. I took this opportunity to go have a visit with Dr. Drengler’s nurse (Monica). I told her I felt like I was having a repeat of the last round in spite of all the new medication to prevent the side effects. And affer just one day, I was already feeling dehydrated. She understood my concerns and ordered hydration treatment for me and she would discuss my situation with Dr. Drengler. 

I had my brave leader along for the ride today because he had the joy of an endoscopy for Christmas!  (All was well by the way, except one spot that was sent out for biopsy along his stomach lining. Please pray that is just due to his acid reflux medication.)  So off I went to take him to his appointment around the corner and make it back in time for my add on appointment for hydration. By the end of the treatment, I had a call from Monica. I was ordered to stop the medication and be prepared for hydration treatments throughout the weekend. I will meet with Dr. Drengler on Tuesday to determine what will happen next. 

I feel like such a failure!  My mom says I am just disappointed this new plan did not work. But really...truth be told... I feel like I failed.  I really wanted this new plan to work, but my body just could not handle it. I will now likely go back on some intravenous chemo therapy...possibly before the end of the year.  My body just could not get this right.  

And, obviously I was not meant to be a suffering soul or martyr. I could barely suffer for one day!  And I really did offer up my suffering for those who needed healing. I especially prayed (and will continue to pray) for two young people (Rebecca and Jake) who are heroically facing more than I am. 

In spite of how I feel it is what it is. And I learned two things. I have a doctor who listens to me. And I know I cannot take that medication. To this I am grateful.  

And now I will enjoy Christmas without being medicated. A new plan is in the works for me but for now I will celebrate Christmas with joy!!!

God bless you!!!

COMMENTS

Anne Celeste Merlo

Hugs and more hugs my friend. I hope and pray that minus the medication that doesn’t agree with you and plus hydration for a few days, adds up to some much needed relief

Lucy Spade

🙏❤🙏 Praying for you! You are such a strong woman, wonderful mom and friend. ((((hugs))) - Know that you are greatly loved. I hope yo have a wonderful and blessed Christmas with your family.

Diana Brock Dow

You have blessed me with your positive attitude and even though you have been disappointed this time with your medication, your honesty and openness about your feelings is encouraging to me. Thank you for sharing your journey.

Heidi Frazier

Michelle, I had the exact same feeling when my chemo had to be stopped because my body appeared to have failed me. Cancer does not discriminate and neither does the effects of the treatment. Frankly many of the treatments are like some type of Medieval torture. Yes, torture. You’ve been amazing and full of grace. You’re “doing” a terrific job and all of us are fighting with you in spirit and prayer. I am sending you a terrific squeezy hug. And Merry Christmas! 

Angie Fischer Artho

First of all I want to say I would have loved to have seen y'all coming through the streets singing off key. My mind immediately imagines a cross between a Hallmark movie and the Griswald family. 😆 Secondly feelings are neither right or wrong- they just are. Healing journeys are a tumultuous path. Mom would often apologize when her body wouldn't do what her mind felt it should. Your doctor is great to listen to your concerns and respond accordingly. What a gift! Hugs to you today. Merry Christmas 

What Will We Do Next?

December 21 (Monday)...

Let me start by saying that sometimes when you have cancer you have to become a little bit of a hypochondriac.  All of a sudden, every little ache and pain or sniffle makes you think of cancer.  Has the cancer spread?  Should I make a big deal about this or let it go?  

So after almost two weeks of reasonable health and enjoying no medication that would cause me side effects, I spent the last three days with neck and back pain, as well as headache.  Since I knew I was going to see Dr. Drengler today and it was the weekend, I tried to just deal with it for the short time.  However, I could not help but wonder if the cancer had spread again.  

Today was also the day we would discuss a new game plan for treatment.  So, off I went to the clinic. 

 

I had a problem right from the start...the nurse could not draw blood from my port and had to use my vein in my arm.  Not to bad since their was a quick solution but I would still need my port accessed for today's treatment.  

Then I met with Dr. Drengler and we discussed the last two weeks of "rest" and how it had taken me several days to fully recover.  He did note that my platelets were low and we needed to consider what to do to help reduce the strain on my body.  However, he would like me to try the same treatment for another round.  He lowered the dose and added some medications to help reduce the side effects.  I am a little nervous to start the treatment again tomorrow.  However, I am willing to try a second time knowing that I can stop if it does not go well.  

We also talked about my pain over the weekend.  He told me that I was right to be a little concerned.  If the pain continues over the next two weeks or is worse at any time, he will order another MRI to see what is happening.  For now, we will just watch and see.  

Then I went for my monthly treatment to help with keeping my bones strengthened.  It should have been a quick IV dose.  However, the port would not function and it was determined that I had a clot at my port.  I would now need to take a blood thinner to break up the clot before starting treatment.  While I waited I was able to get my shot (hormone repressant) in my bum.  I still had a knot from the last month's shot, but I just got to switch sides ... to keep it even... who knows?  Haha

As I waited for the blood thinner to take effect, I began to read a book I was sent from a friend...Through the Valley of the Shadow of Cancer...an interesting read...in some says I can relate and in other ways I would not agree....it just shows that everyone's walk with cancer is different.  For instance, the man across from me (Jim) was having a terrible side effect from the medication...I hate that we can not have companions with us during treatment.  This man truly needed someone to hold his hand and tell him it would be OK.  I talked with him a little and told him I would pray for him.  The nurses just do not always have the time to be there to comfort.  It is sad.  And once again, makes my little problems seem like nothing.  Jim will be in my thoughts for some time...watching him having so much trouble and truly afraid of what the medication was doing to him....and trying so hard to be strong and push through the pain.  All the while encouraging another patient who was having treatment for the first time.

By the time I was finished, the blood clot was thinned out enough to have me bleeding every where...so I waited a little longer to have it under control.  Then I went down to pick up my dreaded refill of the medication.  I can do this...no worries!  I just watch for the warning signs and take the medication to control the side effects.  

To be quite honest, today was too beautiful a day to be concerned about medication.  Besides, why borrow trouble...maybe the new plan will work.  I continue to be optimistically naive that the plan of action is doing some good.  I have read all the paperwork on the medication again and I pray for the best results.  As one of my friends told me today...imagine how the suffering you feel is helping all of us.  So I guess I can take one for the team.  Let it be known...I will be holding you all in my arms as I am dealing with be treatment for the next two weeks.  Send me your prayer needs and I will lift them up with any pain or suffering I am feeling.  I especially will be praying for all our family and friends suffering from COVID that they may find healing.  

And after my long day at the clinic, I am also reminded that God is with us...we watched the "Christmas star" line up so brightly in the sky tonight.  A beautiful sight through our telescope.  God is so good!!!

God bless you all!

COMMENTS

Linda Izaguirre

Sending you hugs and prayers 

Linda Austin

Oh Michelle, your journal is uplifting. You suffer but still make cookies and other Christmas treats for others. You include all of us as you fight for life. You are always in my prayers.

Toni Kimpel

Praying you tolerate the new meds and it does the work it is meant to do.

Jean Moses

Extra prayers will be offered in your behalf for the medicine to be effective without the horrible side effects you experienced last time. When I take medicines, I pray over them like I do food and ask God to bless the medicine and may it do the good it should and no harm. May you feel God’s courage and peace

A Light in the Darkness

December 13 (Sunday)...

Life is a funny thing. After my visit with Dr. Drengler last week, I was off the medicine. It took a couple of days to get over that round of chemo. However, by mid-week I was feeling much better. 

But, for anyone who knows our family, we cannot have a quiet uneventful week. 

I took our little miss for a follow up visit for her foot. She will need to remain in her protective shoe until the end of the year. 

After the doctor, I took her to lunch. After our meal, I told her how much I loved her and how proud I was for her handling all the changes of the year. She has grown up so much this year. Then I told her that as much as I loved her, God loved her so much more. I told her that even if I was not with her, God would always be with her. She said, “I know. You are going to be in heaven. But it’s okay because I will be with you again one day.”  Oh!... to live life as a child!  We should all be so sure of the grace God has to offer us. We left the restaurant and just enjoyed the afternoon together. 

That night Michael took our Hankie for a walk. He came back a few minutes later barely able to walk. I figured the dog pulled him and he twisted an ankle. Turns out he tripped over a curb and now has a terrible sprain with crutches for three weeks. 

My mom and I had already made plans to go out of town for a doctor visit the next day. Thankfully the children could fend for themselves. 

So my mom and I left early Thursday morning to make it to our destination to have lunch with some of my friends, Bette Bittner and Kimberly Kocmoud. Then to the doctor and back to Bette’s for the night. We enjoyed a nice dinner joined by her family and Christopher Kocmoud and Heidi Frasier.  They kept saying they had to leave but we talked until midnight. It was so wonderful to have many diverse conversations. 

While I was preparing for the added guests at table, I happened to look in a mirror just right. I thought my face looked a little different. Turns out I lost half of one of my eyebrows!!  Maybe I will lose more but right now I think it looks quite funny!  My mom says it is not noticeable but I think she is just being nice. Haha. 

Then the ride home the next day. We found the family all fared well and enjoyed a restful evening. 

Saturday I was able to help with another retreat. Go to a simple yet beautiful wedding. Visit with Fr Jan who continues to pray for me. Have a late lunch with my former coworker and friend, Odilia. So nice to have such joyful days as these when i am well. 

Today we celebrated the feast of St Lucy. Our little miss was a lovely heralder reminding us to make way for the Lord. She even dressed up for Mass to share with our little church. 

I have found that I am spending more of my days with intentional meaningful conversations. Trying to love a little fuller and ignore the little things. May we all do this just as God intended. 

God bless you all!!!

Looking into the Crystal Ball

December 7 (Monday)...

So much on my mind. I just don’t know what to say. I have learned that once again I took the hard twist in this roller coaster ride...you know the back jerking ...neck breaking twist with a dive bomb at the end!  

I met with Dr. Drengler and he was surprised I did not call him when I was having so many issues. I told him that it was the worst I have ever felt in my life but I was given the list of side effects and I thought it was to be expected. No reason to call. He told me that he has given this maintenance plan to many patients even young children and elderly. He has never had anyone with such severe side effects. I guess rack it up to one more round of being a part of the 0.1% of the population. I told him I was determined to make it through the two weeks but never again. He agreed that he had two weeks to look for a new plan. 

Then I asked him the tough question. What was the future going to be like for me?  I wanted to have quality of life not quantity. 

I am not giving up the fight. I just want to know what I am fighting for. Not a life where I am sick all the time. Not a life that will end and all people remember is that I was sick. I would rather enjoy the time that I have with family and friends. 

So he brought out his crystal ball and told me that his guess was as good as mine. He could not predict the future. He could tell me that had we not found the cancer and had a treatment plan, I would probably not be alive today. He can even tell me that he will continue to watch how my cancer progresses. At this time, my primary cancer in the liver is under control. In time it will flare up again in the future and my body will probably not be able to fight back a second time. The secondary cancer is more aggressive and not under control with medication at this time. This is what we must work harder to fight. It is unfortunate that the medication I was given caused such a severe reaction. He will not allow that to continue so a new plan must be devised. 

So my prayer request is for a new plan that is not so evasive. My prayer is also for me to have patience as I find ways to live a more meaningful life that will be remembered instead of my illness. I will also pray for this in your lives because ultimately that is what we should all be living out regardless of our health. 

God bless you all!

COMMENTS

Kimberly Kocmoud

Praying for strength for you during this and a new treatment plan and total healing from these two cancers.

Connie Edmundson

As a nurse for many years I know that prayers work. I say them for you several times a day.

Jean Moses

It sounds to me that your doctor has a lot of hope for your going into remission, and/or being able to control those cancer cells, or because of your prayers and those of your prayer warriors, a healing! This bad reaction is a terrible hiccup but none of us involved in your journey is giving up!! Your attitude and honesty inspires us all. Please feel our prayers and God’s strength and comfort.

Sandi Whiteman

Michelle. Regardless of what the future holds for you I have serious doubts that people will only remember you for your illness. Your life leading up to your illness speaks volumes and that is my memory. A mom wholly devoted to her children, a woman fighting for the unborn, a sister in Christ always pointing the way back to the Father. That will be my memory. ❤️ love and continued prayer for you and your sweet family.

Bette Drewry Bittner

I absolutely love your openness Michelle Reynolds. This stinks and you share your thoughts as you go thru. God's PEACE and HEALING Michelle.

Angel Weers

I hate this. Praying for wisdom and discernment for this doctor and the rest of your team, and strength and healing for you, my dear. I wish we didn't have this national health situation so that I could feel I would be putting anyone at risk to come see you for a brief visit. ❤ and hugs, always.

Paula Thompson Havard

I am joining in prayer for a new plan for you and for BOTH of us to live and exhume joy despite our circumstances. You are loved my friend.

A Surprise Visitor

December 6 (weekend update)...

I know my last update was not very positive. And I have not put out a lot of updates. I will be quite honest this is the worst I have felt in my life. I have never felt so sick. When I have energy I try to get everything done at once. Then I am back in my corner chair trying to not feel sick again. The way this new medication makes me feel runs the gamut of possibilities and none of them are good. Except one...the possibility that this medication will help me fight this cancer. 

Tomorrow I am going to talk to my oncologist about other options. In spite of it all I remain confident that in this journey God is with me. Also, I feel that I must enjoy every moment I have with my family. 

This weekend we enjoyed the celebration of St Nicholas. I helped with another retreat. And we got to visit with an old college friend, James Anderson Jr., we had not seen in over 20 years. In spite of not feeling well, these were all good reason to pick myself up and keep moving forward. I am blessed to be able to do all that I can with family and friends. 

God bless you all!

An Embarrassing Situation

December 3 (Thursday) ...

Oh my prayer warriors!  I was so embarrassed last night.

I had had such a good day. I was home enjoying being able to work on our Advent activities. Also having children finish school for the week. My plan is to surprise when we are done and let them know they have a month off from school to enjoy the various feast days throughout this month and into the new year. So I was busy but not exerting myself physically. 

What I failed to mention in my update yesterday was I had one more new medication to add to my mix. To be quite honest, I forgot about it. I was looking at my calendar yesterday afternoon for another reason, when I realized I was supposed to take it on an empty stomach. So I figured out a time to take it. Then ate an hour later so I could take my other medication an hour after eating. So crazy to me, but I got the job done. I really have a hard time taking pills so I was glad to have it completed for the day. 

So our new parish, as we try to form community within a social distance world, has a weekly Zoom meeting. I sat down in my sun room and all was quiet in the house for a change. We were having a nice zoom chat with our small group. However, about 30 minutes into the meeting, I started feeling tired. Then I started feeling nauseous. I still thought I could make it to the end of the meeting. 

Nope!  I am so silly... I grabbed up the phone and started running to the nearest sink. I don’t know why I did not just leave the meeting!  I think I wanted to say goodbye to the group first. Well I am not sure what they heard, but before I could hit the “leave” button, I threw up all over my phone!  Let’s just say I threw up over everything!  It was not a pretty sight!  I did manage to leave the meeting before it got too bad. Oh my!

My poor Tornado Teen!!  He was asleep in the living room when all this happened. Michael was gone with our Little Miss and Tiger. So Tornado Teen was awakened to me being sick, but did a great job of helping me. He cleaned the area and got my Mom. 

What could they do?  I don’t know about you, but I am not a hold my hand through it kinda gal!  So they worried themselves over me from a distance. I remained sick like this for several hours. They begged me to take nausea medicine but I was way beyond that helping. 

Michael and the crew prayed for me during evening prayers. I was glad to hear them with the Advent prayers and readings. I wanted to join them but any sudden movement and I was sick again. They were so sweet to give me hugs and then off to bed without question. 

I finally was able to settle enough to take a dissoluble nausea pill. I then slept through the night without issue. 

My dear prayer warriors, now I am awake obviously dehydrated. But worse, I have to do this all again today. The thought of food is somewhat less than appealing, but I have to eat to take the first medication. I also have my radiation today. The medication that seems to make me so sick is for the evening. However, I am already dreading that one. 

I am hoping to talk to doctor when I go in today. I don’t even no if he will be available. Maybe even talking to nurse will help decide what to do next. 

I keep telling myself to just offer these sufferings for something greater than myself. I pray for the strength needed to continue on as I need to during this treatment. I ask that you pray for this as well. I know that God is with me. While I listened to my family pray last night, we placed the shelter for our nativity scene to begin the preparation for the Christ Child. The word “shelter” stuck with me even while I was sick. And this morning, I looked up the word wondering if there was a Bible verse associated to it. Oh yes!   

“God is our shelter and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not be afraid, even if the earth is shaken and mountains fall into the ocean depths; even if the seas roar and rage, and the hills are shaken by the violence. There is a river that brings joy to the city of God, to the sacred house of the Most High. God is in that city, and it will never be destroyed; at early dawn he will come to its aid.” Psalm 46:1-5

So my guess is that God can handle a humble soul like mine to give me strength in my illness. I know that I was happy to have this morning devotional to help me in the right direction...Dr. Gray Shelter Moment.  What a great way to remind me that God is with me...notice the theme of "shelter" even this morning to remind me to trust!

Please storm heaven with me today for God to give me that strength through this round of treatment!  God bless you all!

COMMENTS

Rose Bixby

Extra hugs for the tornado teen! I hope you are able to talk it out with the Dr./nurse today & I hope the radiation goes easy xoxo

Prayers are Helping

December 2 (Wednesday)...

I just want to send a shout out to all my prayer warriors. I cannot thank you enough for all your prayers. This week and through all the weeks. 

I was not having a good week with all the new medications. I really did not see an end to all the side effects and it was wearing me down physically. However, I sent out my update and within just a few hours I was feeling so much relief!  I am convinced it was all of your prayers that stormed heaven for me. And I thank you for that support!  God is good!!

Tomorrow I go to have my pea brain...oops!  I mean my pea-sized tumor on my brain radiated. Just one treatment should be enough to take care of it...I am told. So please pray for the radiation to be enough. And of course pray that I have a good brain that will heal and remove the dead cells.  I sure cannot afford to lose any more!  

God bless you all!

COMMENTS

Brenda Mark

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

No pea sized prayers here!!! Noway!!