Here We Go Again

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:4-7 

These words ring so well for me in my thoughts. The closing reading for our family prayers last night. They gave me strength to move forward somewhat knowing I was going to be given more news today that would prove difficult. 

Last Friday I had my scheduled brain MRI and had a nice talk with the radiologist. It was one of those moments where you can just get up and just leave or say a meaningful thank you. I chose to tell him thank you for making the experience doable. I wish I had done this the week before with the other scans but I would not have met this particular technician. He questioned why the doctor would have made that decision also. I told him that it probably had something to do with the results from the previous scans. 

I told him...my cancer seems to have taken on my personality...it likes to travel and go places. He said he was sorry, but I told it would be OK. After all, I was celebrating another birthday next week. He told me that was a good attitude. Then he did something none of the other techs have done...he walked me out of the clinic. I thought it was strange but we were having a conversation so let it go. Then he said, “you can get your results any time. I made sure to scan them over right away.”  I questioned this because I had always been told two weeks for results. He said, “No, you could call your doctor right now if he is available.”  I thanked him and proceeded to NOT call my doctor. 

Why?

Because I had already gotten permission from Dr. Drengler to go enjoy a weekend, and I intended to make that happen. I got home and packed up the vehicle with clothes and food for the weekend. We waited for Michael and my friend, Nancy, and then off we went for a geocaching power weekend. Thanks to Kendall (my brother) who let me bring our crew and stay the night in a safe environment and the geocachers who placed almost 600 new caches to find.  It was an amazing trek through the beautiful country side of Central Texas!  I was able to get out and search for geocaches and get some much needed exercise.  Yes, I was exhausted before I even started and even more so when I was done.  Yes, I was in pain as well but adrenaline is a funny thing and it was not until it wore off that I felt the pain in muscles that needed the workout.  It actually felt good to breathe some fresh air even if it was dusty most of the time.  We are so close to 13000 caches...that is a lot!  Woohoo!

BUT...just like the adrenaline runs out, I had to get home and face reality.  A talk with my neurologist (and later Dr. Drengler) that brought it all to a stop.  My brain scan revealed three new brain tumors in three different areas (both cerebellum and the frontoparietal lobe).  The largest is a centimeter in size and has swelling around it.  So this is the main one we must radiate, but all of them will be done in the near future.  This radiation along with chemo therapy that I started today will remain the plan.  Another round of radiation on the Edge, mask and all!

I have to add this because it is part of the story. Like I wrote. I kind of had a heads up from the tech. I just chose to push it out of my mind. But I think what caught me off guard was the neurologist telling me. Because I went into that appointment thinking we were just going to be confirming neck arthritis. It was just going to be a quick call. It ended up being a long call with no way to write anything down stuck in a storage food closet. I was there listening to him thinking why do people eat when they are nervous...i just had this big lump in my throat!!  I could not remember the areas of the brain he was telling him so he had to repeat three times. I finally asked him if any of those places affect the memory and he said no. It was too much for my tumor filled brain to comprehend. 

It was a long day at the clinic today.  I arrived at 0830 to begin my labwork.  Unfortunately, the lab equipment was not working properly so my labwork had to go to a different location and my chemo was delayed over 2 hours.  That was OK...it gave me time to go to Mass virtually then finish logging all those geocaches from the weekend.  I got a little shut eye too!  Once I got started, I zoomed through the chemo without any issues.  I had virtual meetings with both doctors.  

Another part of the story I want to add in for a little humor:  When I have a zoom call with Dr. Drengler I always have to wait in the call waiting room until he can come in and talk to me. Just like any. “good” doctor you know you have to wait and you do it willing because he gives me the same equal time when I see him. Our last visit, I waited in the waiting room long enough to watch a full Funeral Mass (May Buzz’s soul rest in peace) before he entered the call. But todayI sat in an injection room full of needles and right across from me was a much needed bathroom!  But I did not dare go to the bathroom. Unlike a real waiting room where you can tell the receptionist I will be right back, I would have to take the phone in with me praying the doctor did not come into the call with my pants around my knees! No thank you!  So I waited until after the call. 

Also when I talked with Dr. Drengler, I did not tell him Dr Jude had already told me about the tumors because this time I had pen and paper to take notes. After he told me, I let him no that I already knew. I don’t if he appreciated that but I needed that information so it is what it is. 

I was finally able to leave the clinic around 1430.  Nancy was kind enough to drive me home after running a quick errand. We were off to my now favorite BBQ (Brickyard) to order a lunch to celebrate with my favorite nurses and other staff.  I have been wanting to do something special for them and tomorrow seemed like a great day to make that happen.  This little family owned restaurant is so amazing!  They always remember me when I come in (I have only been there twice before!) and were eager to hear how I was progressing.  They were surprised when I told them because I walked in without any problem.  I told them it was an amazing gift.  I just have learned to work through the pain with God by my side.  

I will be honest with you though...I got a little weepy when I came out of those telemed calls.  I even told Michael last week, after I had found out the other results, that I just cannot fix this one on my own.  I cannot will my body to accept the chemo to work.  I cannot fix this kind of broken.  SO...the only option is to trust that God has a plan.  I do trust and I pray that my family does too because that is all we have right now.  And so I really weep for them not myself.  

And so I end with this prayer from our evening prayers:

Hear my cry, O God,

listen to my prayer!

From the ends of the earth I call;

my heart grows faint.

Raise me up, set me on a rock,

for you are my refuge,

a tower of strength against the foe.

Let me dwell in your tent forever,

take refuge in the shelter of your wings.

Psalm 61: 2-5

Amen! Amen!