A Joyful Way to End a Long Week

 I had such a long week that I was coming home exhausted and could not put out an update.  Sorry for those who were wondering what happened with me last week.  The short answer is that I made it through two days of radiation and completed my second round of chemo treatments.  I did not have any side effects other than being tired.  

To add a little more information...I was able to talk with my radiologist on Wednesday to ask her about my brain tumors.  She was surprised because this was supposed to be taken care of earlier in the month.  A new radiologist was needed to perform radiation on my newest brain tumors.  She would look into the situation and get back with me.  On that day, I was supposed to have an early morning radiation treatment and then a long break before an afternoon chemo treatment.  Since I had extra time, my mom and I were going to look for groceries (still a little lacking in the stores last week) and meet Nancy for lunch.  My mom would go home and Nancy would take me to my afternoon treatments.  Oh!...the plans we make!  Halfway through the grocery store, I got a call from a nurse who wanted me to hurry back to the center for a consult with the new radiologist.  I quickly through in some last minute items to our cart, checked out and raced back to the center.  I met with the new radiologist (Dr. Mira) who is one of the few radiologist who can use the Gamma Knife equipment.  I had to have the consult with him before a request for approval could be sent in to our insurance.  We have the start to this process and will hopefully have this procedure done in the near future.  

Wednesday night the little bit of hair I had left was taken off again (It started falling out on Monday and it was a much bigger fall out then the first time!).  I had this great plan to shave a big Aggie symbol on the back of my head before shaving it off completely.  I thought I would redeem a failure to have Aggie pride from my college days.  However, my hair did not cooperate.  The closest I was able to come was having my mom paint the sign on the back of my head with maroon paint! My hair did not even cooperate with that plan as it kept falling out as she painted!  Haha!  So I am now bald again and it is so nice not to have hair in my food again.  

The rest of the week was all about radiation but I also through in a little bit of fun.  Nancy had time to meet me after radiation on Thursday so we could go geocaching.  A nice afternoon enjoying the fresh air along a back road.  

Friday evening we had the joy of talking the evening away with Amy and Peter.  We have known each other for many years so it was great to see them.  However, we also talked a lot about my cancer and the use of essential oils.  I was so grateful for their advice and and support.  Many of what Peter told me confirmed what we already knew from the doctors; however, we also discussed building up my immune system.  I am so excited to try something new that has a more natural effect on my body.  This will be along side the treatments with Dr. Drengler.  

Saturday, I was feeling tired most of the morning.  However, by the afternoon, I was rested enough to head out to a park to help with a clean up.  This is one of the things I love about our local geocaching group...we are always finding ways to give back.  We had about twenty people together to clean a local park.  Along with the clean up, another fun time with friends and breathing fresh air!  

Today was the best way to end the week (or start a new one!).  We went to Mass and I was given an award from our bishop called the Lumen Gentium Award.  I was shocked about a month ago to have our priest come to me and say he had nominated me for this award.  Today was the day it was presented to me at Mass.  This is such an honor and humbled that I would be recognized.  "The parish Lumen Gentium Award is bestowed upon Catholic laypeople from each parish who have demonstrated participation in the Catholic Church’s mission to bring Christ’s light to all.  The individuals are practicing Catholics who manifest an understanding of the teachings of the church and have been graced with a life formed in the Catholic spiritual tradition. These individuals have used their talents to deepen the life of the church in the parish or have served in an extraordinary way the ministry of the parish."  

Father Martin told the parish, "She fully lives her faith and mission as a member of Christ's Faithful People.  She has obtained a degree in theology, which she places at the service of parish and archdiocesan formation.  She manages her home, teaches her children, serves in parish ministry, and shares her faith journey as an inspiration to us all."  Such kind words!  I am honored to represent our parish and the diocese.  

Add to this joy...I was so happy to have my friends Bette and Heidi come for a visit today too!  It was only a one day visit today and the time went by so quickly, but I could not have asked for a better way to spend my day.  We shared a meal and many conversations before they had to head home.  I hope we can spend many more days like this.  Bette was so sweet...she made me a prayer shawl...so soft and my favorite color!

Now it is the end of the day and I can fall asleep with a smile on my face...prepared to face what this next week will bring.  Many blessings to all who continue to pray for me.  

 

What are We Going to Do Today?

In our days of 1995 and further, our sweetie pie loved to watch Animaniacs...I think Michael might have had some say in this...The one they loved the most was the two lab mice...Pinky and the Brain, which oftened started out like this:

Pinky:

Gee, Brain. What are we going to do tonight?

The Brain:

The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!

After yesterday's long day, I could not help but wonder what we were going to do today.  Another early start to get some answers before my chemo treatments started.  I went to talk to Dr. Drengler's nurse first.  I felt very weak and dehydrated so asked for fluids during my treatment day.  This was approved and would add almost two hours to my day.  Then I wanted clarification on my new possible treatment...not sure when I will get that information but she relayed the question to him.  Then I reminded them that I wanted my full records, and I was told it would need to be requested from medical records, so she would work on this too.  

Then I took a wild goose chase through the SCAN center in the same building.  Maybe too much information, but I was given CT scan to mark my body for radiation treatment on February 12.  I was told DO NOT take a shower and remove these markings before the first treatment.  I know this helps them from previous experience with radiation...no big deal as I would probably get in for treatment early the following week.  Well...it was now February 23 and no appointment...I could not stand this awful smell any longer...I had tried sponge baths...that just does not cut it.  Oh and by the way...my hair is falling out again, which would be so much easier if I could take a shower and wash away the worst of the hair loss.  So, after going from one person to the next, I got to the right person.  She said...they were just about to call me in 15 minutes no need to worry as I would be on the Wednesday schedule.  Take a shower...get clean...she obviously could smell my wonderful body stench too!  Haha!  

I made it to my chemo treatment just in time...but slight delay so it was all back to wondering how long the day would really be.  The nurse knew from my chart that I had had a long day yesterday so she got busy getting things started.  It was nice to have the time to get ready for my Bible study...I spent five hours today in the clinic.  I finished my review of the Gospel of Mark just as my treatments ended so good timing.  All was nice as I had driven myself and no need to worry anyone with waiting in the parking lot.  And the hydration really helped...so much that I think I will ask for this on future treatment days.  

Home again to help with last bits of school and order take out...best plan ever and a real treat because we do not do it often.  (Oh! by the way...so thankful for the meal given to us by Marisol and family...she is so sweet to think about us so often!)

I even got to take that much needed shower...I cannot tell you how good it felt...but also my hair loss is in speed mode...even I was shocked by how much hair washed away!  Back to caps until I get time to shave it off again.  A big reveal on that because we have a plan for the family this go around!  Whoop!

Family prayers gave me the following verse to reflect upon after the last two days of treatment...

"We have this confidence in him, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us in regard to whatever we ask, we know that what we have asked him for is ours." 1 John 5:  14-15

So pray my friends...I have faith that God's plan will outshine any prayer requests we invoke.  I add to this a little reflection from my Bible Study about those who work in healing ministry...Jesus gives the disciples this lesson in Mark 9...paraphrased from Mary Healy there are three steps to helping a person heal...

1. Ask the person about their issue. 

2. Invite the person o an act of faith in Jesus. 

3. Bring the person to Jesus through prayer (fasting when possible)

And for the one who provides the healing ministry:  

“Persevere with expectant faith even in the face of seeming failure.  God is always the answer and the guide to all healing   Healing and deliverance will bear fruit only through a reliance on God as they bring all needs to the feet of Jesus in prayer. A lesson in humility.” The Gospel of Mark by Mary Healy

Praise God for his healing!  

The Longest Day

 One of our favorite movies is also one of the longest movies ever made.  "The Longest Day" was made to recount events of D-Day, told on a grand scale from both the Allied and German points of view.  I am not really about war movies but this one has some amazing actors that makes it hard to pass up.  Well, I sure wish I had this movie to watch today!  It sure would have passed the time I spent in the chemo room.

This was my first day back for chemo (second round this go around) and the first day is always long, so I had prepared for the day the best I could after the week long storm effects.  I arrived early (9am) because I was not sure about some of my appointments that had to be postponed.  I made a few extra stops and was called in to my first appointment with Dr. Drengler.

He got right to the point...we had some work to do.  The cancer in my sternum was reviewed again by a top notch radiologists who was able to look at both sets of scans together and confirmed that my sternum was so riddled with cancer it looked a splintered spider web...more like a fracture that we hope will heal after the cancer is treated with radiation and chemo treatments.  Until the healing of the bone (we pray it heals because nothing else can be done to help it) takes place I will continue to be in pain.  This pain had not gone away with any of the pain medications, so I have learned to deal with it.  

Dr. Drengler also wants to try a new treatment that has been known as the "miracle cure." This has been discussed before but not done because my cancer did not seem to fit the requirements.  We are not sure I fit now either but he is going to push for it any way.  After all, I continue to be his "weird" patient that keeps him up at night.  Unfortunately, to force the issue we will need to jump through a lot of hoops and maybe even beg a little.  That means it will not happen right away...it might take a couple of months.  That will be about the time I am do to end this set of chemo treatments and new scans will be done.  I continue to believe that all things happen in God's timing.  If it is meant for me then in will happen when the timing is right.

Then I was told my first set of blood work was good but we were waiting on the bigger set of lab work was not in for review.  He was going to send me down to begin my chemo treatments without waiting on this other set of labs.  Off I went thinking the day was going as planned without a lot of wait time.  However, that was not to be.  Some how in the time it took for me to ride the elevator down to the chemo room, Dr. Drengler had changed his mind and wanted me to wait for the second set of labs.  What was not known is the equipment was not functioning.  I would wait for four hours to get those results in.  Now I was offered the opportunity to reschedule, but since it was already going to be a long day wasted at the clinic it seemed best to wait it out.  The hours stretched on and I read half a book and enjoyed the quiet and conversations with other patients.  Oh!  And I will never have food delivered to me again...it cost $25 dollars for an $8 meal! That is criminal!

About the time we were all losing hope...I played the restaurant game...I decided to go to the restroom!  You know...when your food is taking longer to prepare than expected so you go to the restroom and the food arrives!  Well, I no sooner headed toward the restroom and my nurse hollered out for all to hear that my second set of labs had come in!  The ENTIRE chemo room cheered for me!  I did not know that everyone knew my situation but I guess gossip can even spread in a full chemo room!  I asked if I had time to go to the restroom and Nurse Diane laughed.  Not only would she wait for me to use the restroom...but she would also wait for me until the end of my treatments.  This meant another hour wait to mix my medications...that is the way it works...only after approval can the medicine be prepared. Then the treatments would take four hours to administer.  That put us at 6pm end time.  

Nine hours at the clinic was a very long day!  Not even my steroids gave me the typical high energy levels that drive my family crazy.  I came home and went to sit in my recliner and went to sleep.  I did manage to wake up for family prayer.  I even had time to join a prayer group with my parish.  I guess I needed that time with God as much as the sleep.

So...more chemo and hopefully radiation will begin too.  Getting back is slow but happening.  I hope all are getting back to your normal also.  God bless you all!

Once in a Life Time Winter Storm

Well, the last week has been a little crazy!  I truly hope it is a once in a life time event.  The last time I remember any thing even close to this storm was back in 1978...our first winter in East Texas.  However, we did not lose power and had ways to stay warm.  

I think being young and care free probably played a part in the memory also.  I will say that that storm is ingrained it in my head to NOT like snow.  I just remember wanting to play in the snow with my older brothers.  They were old enough to not want a tag-along little 4-year old, but mom insisted they let me go.  So, off we went but I could not keep up in the big field even though I tried to follow in their tracks in the snow.  They ran ahead probably to cross over the frozen creek and into the deeper woods.  I found myself in the middle of the field knee deep in one of those snow tracks and could not go another step!  I hollered out for help but they were long gone.  I am not sure how long I cried out for help...probably only a short time...but it seemed long to a 4-year old, not to mention it was scary and cold.  I think my dad must have heard me at some point and pulled me up into his arms to take me back to the house to warm up.  But, that was the end of cold weather and snow for me!  

Funny, the memories we have that seize us and take away happy memories.  However, just as my 4-year old self, I knew what I needed to do.  I had only to cry out for help, and there was my father to help save me from the trap that I had made for myself.  Now, I could blame my brothers for leaving me behind in the snowy field, but the real blame is my own.  I went out and followed a path that was not meant for me.  I can hold on to the bad memory of the cold and scary moment (which I suppose I have until now), or I can recall that moment when I was lifted up into my father's arms and taken back to a warm place.  We do this with our experiences throughout life, and in a deeper way our spiritual life.  Will we take a wrong path or worse a good path not meant for us, and call out for help when we realize our error?  Will we then spend our lives remembering the bad experience, or take the time to be thankful for that moment of grace God has given us by lifting us up into his arms and taken to a safe place?

"Even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you.  I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save."  Isaiah 46:4

So, now I look to this last week of winter weather inconvenience.  I will admit it was like no other storm I had ever lived through in Texas.  We have been through winter storms when we lived in Germany, but they were prepared and we had the weather gear to help us.  This storm seemed like an exaggerated forecast that could not be possible.  We were prepared to just stay home should it get as bad as predicted.  And in no way were we prepared for the worse condition that led to no electricity, no water, no internet, no way to cook the meals we had planned.  We spent most of our time praying for electricity that was supposed to be rolling, but turned into 1-5 minutes intervals of trying to get something done.  The heater did not even have time to come on to warm the house.  We spent most of Monday-Wednesday in a house that temperatures dropped into the 50s or lower.  

I think the scariest part was not knowing when the end would come and hearing that the officials did not know either.  Michael was still going to work...gone for 10-12 hours...and coming home to give us updates.  Wednesday we ventured out to find basic supplies to find out the stores were empty.  Then the second storm hit us with more snow.  This is when we lost water that would continue Thursday (low pressure...boil water notice) and Friday with no water.  

At the beginning of the week, we learned that all of these things are trivial.  One of my older brothers called to tell us that he returned from work after a long weekend shift.  Soon after he started a fire in his fireplace, he went out to check on his cows and turned around to find his entire house aflame!  He lost everything, including a camper parked nearby.  God bless those cows because I think his concern for them is what saved him.  He is now in a safe place sorting out the details.  Praise God he is alive and well.  Things can be replaced.  

So, I could go on and on about how terrible it was to live through this winter storm.  However, as we dealt with this situation, I could not help but think about the homeless and those in homes that do not heat well even with power.  For those who lost their lives due to poor conditions.  I think about those who lost their homes much like my brother due to fires.  This was just a small blip of inconvenience for us because we knew it would end.  After all, in Texas the weather does not stay like this for long.  As I type this post, the temperatures were back into the 70s and sunny!  We did not starve or go without water for long.  We eventually got to shower and get back on our computers.  We would be okay.

I thought it fitting that today we had a reading in the Sunday liturgy from Genesis 9: 8-15.  It is the end of the Noah story, when God promises to not destroy the entire earth with floods again.  

"This is the sign I am giving for all ages to come, out of the covenant between me and you and every living creature with you; I set my bow in the clouds to serve as a sign of the covenant between me and the earth...so that the waters never again become a flood to destroy all mortal beings." 

Even though I did not see a rainbow in the sky, seeing the sun and warmer temperatures was enough for me.  God must have a special place in his heart for Texans I think.  He knows that snow is our flood water, and though he reminds us of what it could be like, he always brings us back into the warmth before it gets too bad!  Ha ha!

Although I could remember the terrible conditions, I would rather remember the fun we had creating meals on the gas stove top.  Learning to flush toilets with pitchers of water from the bath tub.  Watching our Little Miss and Hankie play in the snow (We learned Hank LOVES the snow but not to eat!)!  Seeing Little Miss try so hard to build her own snowman.  Going to sleep huddled in bed with extra blankets and a candle for light to lead the way should anyone wake up in the middle of the night!  The joy of hearing from family and friends who worried for us and reached out to help.  And, most of all, learning to not take for granted what we have been blessed to have in our modern world of conveniences.  

It comes full circle, God pulled us up out of this situation.  We are blessed.  This too passed.  I am thankful for the little joys!  And I will bask in the sunlight looking for that rainbow!  

I pray anyone reading this is also well.  Should you still be in poor conditions, know that I am praying for you.  If you need help, please let us know.  God bless you all!

A Breath of Life

As I reflected on the liturgical readings this last week on Genesis and creation, I could not help but reflect on the gift of life that can only come from God, our creator. The verse that kept me thinking was Genesis 2:7– “ The Lord God formed man out of the clay of the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life, and so man became a living being.”  

The breath of life... what does that mean? If this was just important for this one moment in time, to begin life on earth, there would be no reason to bring it to our attention again. However, the same idea of God breathing life into man is mentioned in other places throughout Scripture. What interested me most was the breath of life and its end. I just imagined a man full of God given life that will one day come to an end. The end of life has always seemed to be a subject to avoid, and yet, we all know our lives will come to an end. As it is stated by Job, “Since his days are determined —you know the number of his months; you have fixed the limit which he cannot pass.” Job 14:5

As I struggle with my diagnosis of cancer and I watch the cancer continue to spread without end it seems, I do begin to take a realistic look at how my life will end.  This is not something I dwell on, but I do think about what the end of life will look like for me. And by no means have I given up the fight against the cancer. I am very much alive and eager to enjoy my life and make my days on this earth meaningful. I have always loved Psalm 139:14–“ I praise you because I am wonderfully made, wonderful are your works! My very self you know.”  However, I went a little further this week as I pondered the idea of the breath of life. The Psalmist shares the insight of revelation from God watching over our lives, “ Your eyes saw me unformed; in your book all are written down; my days were shaped, before one came to be.” Psalm 139:16

God knows my purpose and what I will do —good and bad —all the days of my life! I don’t even know what I’m doing tomorrow, but God knows my every move in my life! It gives me a greater peace knowing that God knows me so well and allows me free will to make choices. I will live out my days on this earth with the joy of knowing that God keeps me in his sight. and also he has given me all the breath I need until the very end. He breathed into me my life and when I take that last breath he will be there to see me into my glorified life with him in heaven.

I take heed to the Gospel message, “... do not worry about your life... Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life span?” Matthew 6:25-27

So, I will not spend my days worrying how this cancer will affect my life. I will spend my days looking for ways to be a better person for those around me. I will reflect now on knowing that God has sent forth my spirit. He has created me for a purpose that I must fulfill. I still have breath within me.

This week that means being a good wife and mother. I work through planning with doctors the new treatments. I also prepare for Bible studies and retreats and record reflections (I reflected on creation and sin too). It is hard to complain when the pain and side effects of my cancer and treatments are still only a small part of who I am.

For instance, this week our microwave broke and we had a repairman come to our house. I was in pain and on the opposite side of the house when he rang the doorbell. I guess I did not move fast enough and so he rang the doorbell not once but twice more before I could get to the door. When I arrived, he asked how I was doing and I told him I was in pain and then I could not move any faster. He apologized and I told him that was life with cancer. I probably should not have been so blunt with a stranger, but I was in pain and reacted as I did. He again apologize, so I told him that everything would be as it is.  He proceeded to spend the next two hours in our home while I schooled the children and talked with my mom. At the end of his time in our home, he said for someone with cancer and in pain I sure laughed a lot. I told him that it is the one thing cancer cannot take away from me, so we would continue to laugh and joke as long as possible. 

It truly is how I feel our family will make it through this cancer whatever the outcome may be. I hope that you will see your life in your hardships in a similar way.  It is the one blessing that only humans can fully participate in...unlike any other part of God's creation...To laugh and to love those around us and feel the joy of God’s creation.  It is amazing to know that we are made in God's image and likeness.  It makes me smile to know that one day, we can all laugh and love with God in heaven.

The only real news regarding my cancer was my CT scan to set up for my radiation to my back (lumbar) and sternum.  I am just one step away from being a dot-to-dot puzzle!  I will likely start the 10 cycles of radiation next week.

God bless you all.  My prayers for you also!

An Ordinary Day

 Well, I made it through the round of chemo...just a little foggy brained and tired.  I really did not have much to report this last week.  A lot of talks with doctors and new radiation planned in the next couple of weeks.  So I spent the week resting and trying to get organized again.  It is amazing how quickly a house get get messy...add to that an entire crew to help make it "lived in"...well, it is just bound to happen.  We spent our weekend finally getting our Christmas decorations back in the attic.  I blame the delay on my desire to reorganize and get rid of things we do not use.  I ordered new containers and it took a MONTH for the organizers to arrive.  So...everything got stuffed in the library until this weekend.  I have determined that once one room goes awry, the rest soon follow...the chaos spread!  

I guess you can say that my cancer has taken on the same type of spread...chaos has run amok in my body.  There is no denying that the cancer has spread from the liver to include the brain all the way down to my knees.  So, I got to think about some things this weekend.  I think that the ordinary has become quite extraordinary.  The day to day life events are more precious.  I am thankful for the funny things the children do and say...the little squabbles are not so important.  

I also had a nice lunch with my Tornado Teen.  I must say that of all the family, he seems to have it together on all of the situation.  We had a good talk about life and God's will.  I am so proud of him and who he is...he is in for many changes as he approaches the end of high school in May.  I told him to seek out God's plan for himself.  Praying for his discernment.  Even in the chaos, life goes on and a mother's concerns for her child never ends.  

Yesterday, I just had these thoughts about living the ordinary life and decided to video a reflection on the liturgical readings.  I think it goes with everything else I am feeling.  Basically, life goes on...one day at a time...and God is good!

I am praying for all of you and so thankful that I have the time to do it on this ordinary day.  God bless you all.

An Emotional Day

I woke up to the sound of my Tornado Teen singing again this morning, "Happy birthday Day Two!  Happy birthday to Mom...happy birthday day two!"  You guessed it...he decided it was an even better surprise if I got breakfast in bed on an unexpected day.  And it was enjoyed for sure!  

Coming off my high from my birthday yesterday, today was a little emotional.  What I did not discuss in yesterday's blog was an upsetting phone call from my radiologist.  It was not that I did not want to discuss it...just that it came late in the day and I had to process it first and determine a plan to set things right. 

See the nurse from my radiologist called to set up my consult for the radiation.  I assumed she was talking about my new radiation plan for my brain tumors.  But she had called for my back radiation treatment, which had already taken place.  It would then take a discussion about my case with Dr. Zubyk and a call back.  No big problem...but when she called back she said that I was right about needing a consult because I was going to need to learn about a new radiation procedure called Gamma Knife.  I told her that she was mistaken, as I had had that radiation procedure for my first brain tumor in December.  Basically, we went back and forth and she finally decided the best option for her was to let me talk with the radiologist at my newly schedule appointment.  I felt confused and annoyed and had the night to dwell on it.  

My decision was to go in to chemo today and ask to talk to Dr. Drengler's nurse about the issue to set this straight.  I had already been thinking about this...I want all my medical records...anything written about me in my possession, so there will be no doubt that I know what is happening to me.  This experience with the nurse yesterday evening just sealed the deal that I am not getting everything correct as I thought.  

So, when I arrived at the clinic there were only two other patients and my sweet Nurse Cyndi only had me to assist.  She asked how I was doing and I told her that I was a little upset.  So, she sat down and told me to tell her all about it.  Once I told her the situation, she agreed to send a message to the nurse (Monica).  A reply came back that she was on her way to talk to me.  And I explained my concern again.  She immediately printed the notes from the last week that she had and it was helpful but still not enough.  So, I said I needed the information from the radiologist office too.  I just want the correct information about what is being done for me.  

Before I knew it, I was talking directly to Dr. Zubyk by phone.  She clarified that I had had a different procedure than I thought and the confusion probably came because in my previous consult she had given me all the possible options and one of them was Gamma Knife.  I guess I thought it was one procedure option with the tool being used under the name of the Edge, but that is the actual procedure name.  I have never had Gamma Knife done.  So I will soon have another procedure under my belt it seems.  So, once again I emphasized my desire to have everything in writing from now on.  She agreed this would be best and she would have it all for me at our next visit.  

While I had her on the phone, I asked what her evaluation was about these new tumors.  Since these were all new from the brain MRI done in November, did it change her outlook on my case.  She told me that from now on, instead of a brain MRI every six months, I will now have one done every two months.  AND...if new tumors show up in the next scan we might need to discuss full brain radiation instead of individual tumor radiation.  She said they tend to not do this because it would lead to memory loss.  So, that was a not so fun thing to hear.  She also told me that she was on her way to a consultation on my case with Dr. Drengler and Dr. Jude.  So I guess I will find out about that consult some time later this week.  

Backtrack to my talk with Monica...when I talked with her about needing better documentation...I told her one thing I am concerned about is that my children may one day want to know that all was done for me by my doctors.  They will have questions as adults and I did not want them to have to hunt down the information, but to have it readily available for them when they want it.  I knew that the doctors were doing all they could for me but it would help them see it too.  Monica told me that they do care and that Dr. Drengler could often leave the office by mid-day but stays on many hours reviewing cases.  I told her I knew he worked hard and I never had any doubt.  

I do not know but somehow the treatment time seemed to go slow today.  I just could not get the entire situation out of my head.  I felt lousy.  I did not even have my special lunch for the nurses and staff as I had hoped.  I did talk with a couple of other cancer patients and that was good.  We talked about how life is crazy but that is what makes us want to enjoy it...the twists and turns just make life interesting.  Yet, I still felt not right.  

Nurse Cyndi told me at the end of the day that I had done the right thing.  My voice needed to be heard.  It was only because I voiced my concern...very out of character for me as a patient...that brought Monica to talk to me...that got Dr. Zubyk to call so quickly.  I know that I needed this missing information to give me peace...but at what cost?

One other thing I told Monica was that I needed to know what was causing the pain in my chest...I did not feel like this was being addressed.  I made her feel the bulge in my chest.  She said she would discuss it with Dr. Drengler.  By the time, I was driving home early afternoon, I got a call from Dr. Drengler.  He once again seemed so tired.  But he told me that he had spent the afternoon re-reviewing all my recent scans.  He determined that a very hazy spot at my sternum did show up in the scans but it did not seem to be significant.  However, he told me that I am very in tune with my body and I know what I feel.  So, from now on if I am having pain in an area with even a haze, we will determine a treatment plan.  My cancer has never been prone to the normal detectors until it is more advanced.  If we can find spots earlier, we need to do it.  

So hear I am reflecting on the day, and I cannot help like I let my team down today.  Unlike the patient I spoke about in yesterday's post, I tried to be kind and loving about my concerns.  However, it still puts doubt in their minds that they are doing everything they can do.  That is the last burden I want to put on them.  They are who have gotten me as far as I am in this battle for life.  Only God alone gives me more confidence.  However, it makes me feel like I am no different than the screamer who demanded more than she could have...more than the staff are able to provide.  So pray for my medical team today...pray that they know they are making a difference for many lives.  But also pray that they find healing at the end of the day when the days are tough.  God knows I pray for this because they are my medical heroes who I have come to care for in a special way.  

I close with these Bible verses...knowing that I do need healing but not just physically...I must go before God once again for spiritual healing...A much great gift.  

"Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then has the health of the daughter of my people not been restored?" - Jeremiah 8:22

"Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven." - James 5:14-15

God bless you all for hearing my woes.  Knowing that God will hear your prayers for me gives me no greater joy!  

It's My Birthday!!!

I woke up this morning to the pleasant singing, "Happy birthday to Mom!" from my Tornado Teen.  I told him that in all my years he was the first to actually wake me up bringing me breakfast in bed...I usually have to fake sleep!  I had so many thoughts in my head from the day before that I had stayed up reflecting until 2am so I had only had 3 hours of sleep!  But...IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!  So I was ready to start this day!  He also made me exactly what I needed to get me going!

I was off in no time to daily Mass to celebrate the special feast day that accompanies my birthday...The Presentation of the Lord!  And so thankful for Fr. Martin who blessed my candles as it is a tradition on this day.  I quickly proceeded to give my candles to a group of prayer warriors who had attended Mass but I still had leftovers from last year, so God is good to allow me to share.  At the end of Mass I received another blessing even more special from Fr. Martin so all was beautiful and uplifting before heading out to chemo treatment.  

I am not sure how much I have talked about the set up in the chemo treatment room on these posts.  Our clinic is set up with two chemo rooms that are then sectioned off by nurses with half partitioned walls.  Not really set up for privacy but I like it because it is a great way to see all who come with me on this cancer journey.  Some are quiet and sleep but many times we are all sitting around with nothing to do for at least 2-4 hours, so we talk about life and love and whatever.  We also see our nurses and support team in action doing what they do best and loving on all the patience in some way.  Again, so beautiful.  

Well, sometimes things are not so nice and peaceful and this morning was one of those days.  We had a new patient who really needs prayers...God knows who she is and her needs.  But, unfortunately, she came in with negativity and it really brought the entire room to a very low spot.  She demanded to be treated in a way that was not possible due to CDC regulations and she was just not ready to cooperate and even "threatened" to delay treatment until the nurse and the facility could get it together to meet he needs.  It was so hard to watch and really we should not have been a part of this conflict.  I was sad for her because she ended up getting what she wanted (I think) but not what she needed, which was to be surrounded by people who could relate.  It was also be that much harder for the future.  It left all of us just down for quite a while after she left.  

Somehow I just decided the best thing to do was walking around a little but.  I had chose to wear my Wonder Woman cover, so as I walked around the other patients and staff would comment on it.  Which gave me opportunity to say...IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!  And, I am so happy to be celebrating another year full of blessings!!!  I like to think it gave some cheer to the somber mood of the room.  

I had also decided that some time in the beginning of the year I was going to treat the nurses and staff to a special lunch to show my appreciation for all they do...and today was that day...BECAUSE...today IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!  So, as you know from the previous post, I had ordered BBQ from our favorite spot just around the corner and my mom delivered it to the front door for my insider Nurse Cody to pick up.  The nurses were so surprised and thankful!  They would come by and thank me, and I was able to tell them individually how much I appreciate them and that one patient should not discourage them from what they do for all of us!  

My time in the clinic was a short one and I left finding out that I would be in the other chemo room the next day.  Oh crud!  I need to thank them also...time to get creative with that plan soon.  One never knows if word gets around in this small clinic and I do not want the other nurses to think they are not appreciated.  We will see what I come up with by tomorrow!

Back home to see what will be waiting for me.  I must admit some will not be impressed but it really just turned out to be a quiet evening at home.  A simple but lovely meal with family.  Then a night Bible Study I lead with a small group via Zoom to discuss the Gospel of Mark.  Then back with family to enjoy a homemade apple pie made by my mom.  So beautiful!

While we waited for the Bible Study to start, I decided to video a reflection on the feast day.  I had a special guest on my YouTube channel today.  It was nice to remember my BIRTHday with the one who would remember most!  (Click on the link to watch)

Then I fell asleep in peace and feeling the surrounding love that I enjoyed reading all the birthday wishes on Facebook, private messages, texts and emails.  I cannot thank you all enough for your words of blessing, love and support.  God is good!

Here We Go Again

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:4-7 

These words ring so well for me in my thoughts. The closing reading for our family prayers last night. They gave me strength to move forward somewhat knowing I was going to be given more news today that would prove difficult. 

Last Friday I had my scheduled brain MRI and had a nice talk with the radiologist. It was one of those moments where you can just get up and just leave or say a meaningful thank you. I chose to tell him thank you for making the experience doable. I wish I had done this the week before with the other scans but I would not have met this particular technician. He questioned why the doctor would have made that decision also. I told him that it probably had something to do with the results from the previous scans. 

I told him...my cancer seems to have taken on my personality...it likes to travel and go places. He said he was sorry, but I told it would be OK. After all, I was celebrating another birthday next week. He told me that was a good attitude. Then he did something none of the other techs have done...he walked me out of the clinic. I thought it was strange but we were having a conversation so let it go. Then he said, “you can get your results any time. I made sure to scan them over right away.”  I questioned this because I had always been told two weeks for results. He said, “No, you could call your doctor right now if he is available.”  I thanked him and proceeded to NOT call my doctor. 

Why?

Because I had already gotten permission from Dr. Drengler to go enjoy a weekend, and I intended to make that happen. I got home and packed up the vehicle with clothes and food for the weekend. We waited for Michael and my friend, Nancy, and then off we went for a geocaching power weekend. Thanks to Kendall (my brother) who let me bring our crew and stay the night in a safe environment and the geocachers who placed almost 600 new caches to find.  It was an amazing trek through the beautiful country side of Central Texas!  I was able to get out and search for geocaches and get some much needed exercise.  Yes, I was exhausted before I even started and even more so when I was done.  Yes, I was in pain as well but adrenaline is a funny thing and it was not until it wore off that I felt the pain in muscles that needed the workout.  It actually felt good to breathe some fresh air even if it was dusty most of the time.  We are so close to 13000 caches...that is a lot!  Woohoo!

BUT...just like the adrenaline runs out, I had to get home and face reality.  A talk with my neurologist (and later Dr. Drengler) that brought it all to a stop.  My brain scan revealed three new brain tumors in three different areas (both cerebellum and the frontoparietal lobe).  The largest is a centimeter in size and has swelling around it.  So this is the main one we must radiate, but all of them will be done in the near future.  This radiation along with chemo therapy that I started today will remain the plan.  Another round of radiation on the Edge, mask and all!

I have to add this because it is part of the story. Like I wrote. I kind of had a heads up from the tech. I just chose to push it out of my mind. But I think what caught me off guard was the neurologist telling me. Because I went into that appointment thinking we were just going to be confirming neck arthritis. It was just going to be a quick call. It ended up being a long call with no way to write anything down stuck in a storage food closet. I was there listening to him thinking why do people eat when they are nervous...i just had this big lump in my throat!!  I could not remember the areas of the brain he was telling him so he had to repeat three times. I finally asked him if any of those places affect the memory and he said no. It was too much for my tumor filled brain to comprehend. 

It was a long day at the clinic today.  I arrived at 0830 to begin my labwork.  Unfortunately, the lab equipment was not working properly so my labwork had to go to a different location and my chemo was delayed over 2 hours.  That was OK...it gave me time to go to Mass virtually then finish logging all those geocaches from the weekend.  I got a little shut eye too!  Once I got started, I zoomed through the chemo without any issues.  I had virtual meetings with both doctors.  

Another part of the story I want to add in for a little humor:  When I have a zoom call with Dr. Drengler I always have to wait in the call waiting room until he can come in and talk to me. Just like any. “good” doctor you know you have to wait and you do it willing because he gives me the same equal time when I see him. Our last visit, I waited in the waiting room long enough to watch a full Funeral Mass (May Buzz’s soul rest in peace) before he entered the call. But todayI sat in an injection room full of needles and right across from me was a much needed bathroom!  But I did not dare go to the bathroom. Unlike a real waiting room where you can tell the receptionist I will be right back, I would have to take the phone in with me praying the doctor did not come into the call with my pants around my knees! No thank you!  So I waited until after the call. 

Also when I talked with Dr. Drengler, I did not tell him Dr Jude had already told me about the tumors because this time I had pen and paper to take notes. After he told me, I let him no that I already knew. I don’t if he appreciated that but I needed that information so it is what it is. 

I was finally able to leave the clinic around 1430.  Nancy was kind enough to drive me home after running a quick errand. We were off to my now favorite BBQ (Brickyard) to order a lunch to celebrate with my favorite nurses and other staff.  I have been wanting to do something special for them and tomorrow seemed like a great day to make that happen.  This little family owned restaurant is so amazing!  They always remember me when I come in (I have only been there twice before!) and were eager to hear how I was progressing.  They were surprised when I told them because I walked in without any problem.  I told them it was an amazing gift.  I just have learned to work through the pain with God by my side.  

I will be honest with you though...I got a little weepy when I came out of those telemed calls.  I even told Michael last week, after I had found out the other results, that I just cannot fix this one on my own.  I cannot will my body to accept the chemo to work.  I cannot fix this kind of broken.  SO...the only option is to trust that God has a plan.  I do trust and I pray that my family does too because that is all we have right now.  And so I really weep for them not myself.  

And so I end with this prayer from our evening prayers:

Hear my cry, O God,

listen to my prayer!

From the ends of the earth I call;

my heart grows faint.

Raise me up, set me on a rock,

for you are my refuge,

a tower of strength against the foe.

Let me dwell in your tent forever,

take refuge in the shelter of your wings.

Psalm 61: 2-5

Amen! Amen!