The Joys of Suffering

I had my last treatment of radiation for this round yesterday. I met with the radiologist after the treatment and she did not give the standard “Next time I see you, we will be in a Walmart.”  Instead she asked me if they were able to relieve  a little of my pain. I told her yes even though I do no think the pain has changed much in the last three weeks of radiation. I guess the receptionist did not get the memo that we might want to hold off on celebrating. She blew a party horn in my face and congratulated me in finishing my treatments. I told her to never do that again. I would come back when my scans showed the cancer had not spread and we could celebrate together. It is not that I have lost hope in healing but rather I am a little more hardened to the reality of the situation. Maybe my prayer warriors will not like me saying this, but after the last year I know that my roller coaster ride is going to have times of suffering. 

For almost a year, I have been asked by doctors, nurses, technicians, as well as family and friends if there is anything they can do to prevent me from suffering. I feel like I need to address this topic sense it seems to be a burden for others to be with me on this crazy ride and not be able to do something to prevent the pain I feel. 

To start off, I have a high threshold when it comes to pain.  I would rather have pain than see the sight of my own blood. Just ask my mom or my brothers about the antics of my youth, or in this last year for that matter.  However, the most part...growing up with six brothers...I am a pretty tough gal.  I have learned that when it comes to pain, I adjust what I can handle.  Sometimes it just takes me a few days for my body to adjust.  

I also have the belief that pain is the way your body tells you there is a problem.  If I find a way to remove all pain, my body is not allowed to share with me where a problem exists.  That is how I even found out I had cancer last year...I listened to my body when the pain would not go away!  My mother would say I should have gone to the ER at least two weeks before I went, but I still went to the ER because of the pain.  It was the pain in my sternum that I communicated to my oncologist that encouraged him to start new scans.  It was then that we found not only the cancer in my sternum, but also in other new areas throughout my body.  Personally, I have never liked to take pain medicine.  It just is not worth what I lose in awareness to benefit the relief in pain.  I know when I cannot handle the pain and I will take medicine as needed.  As I learned last summer there was the need for the pain medicine, but not all the time.  

However, I have one other reason I will not allow all pain to be removed from my life.  It is just not possible to remove all pain.  It is a terrible myth that we allow ourselves to believe in society.  Pain is part of our existence.  Why?  Because as a Christian, I know that the fall of mankind has placed pain in this world.  We cannot avoid what is inevitable...we will have pain...physically, emotionally and spiritually...because we live in a fallen world!  (Read Genesis 3)

I have been leading a Bible study covering the Gospel of Mark over the last few weeks (which I love being able to do).  We have recently been discussing how Jesus revealed to his closest disciples that he would be a suffering servant as prophesied by Isaiah (Chapter 42). Christ came to us from the Father out of love for all people to suffer and die on the cross.  He knew that there would be a glorious victory over the death of sin by following through with this sacrifice.

One devotion we have is praying the Rosary in which we reflect on the mysteries of Christ’s life.  Even when reflecting on the Joyful Mysteries, we seeing suffering for the Holy Family and Jesus.  The unknown of the Annunciation when Mary is shown the joy of becoming the mother of God.  She would trust in  the plan of God, but would Joseph be so understanding?  The Visitation that was a time of joy but also anticipation for Elizabeth to birth a child at an elderly age.  This also might have been a time when Mary was sent away until the issues with Joseph were resolved.  Continue on in the the meditation on the Nativity, which was a strenuous journey and giving birth in a place where animals were kept.  The fourth reflection is the Presentation of the Lord at the Temple.  This should be a time of joy in their lives (and most likely it was); however, it was also a time when Simeon spoke of the suffering that Mary would feel..."a sword will pierce through your own soul also." (Luke 2: 22-38)  This is then followed by the final reflection on the Finding at the Temple.  This took place after three days for Mary and Joseph searching for youthful Jesus.  I bring these reflections to mind because through it all Mary was with Jesus and still she had to suffer trials and tribulations.  This goes even further in the Sorrowful Mysteries.  

My thought is that I can only grow through my suffering because I trust in God to be there with me.  I can trust further in God to bring glory to my situation.  I will continue to suffer and see this as my small cross to carry.  I will do this joyfully...I will live and love as I grow closer to God, which then in turn brings me closer to my family and friends.  I take up this cross that I have been given and I do it willingly with God's grace.  This is not a new concept.  The Apostles taught this from what they learned from Jesus.  And then later it was infused into the knowledge of God given to Paul by Jesus.  Participating in the suffering of Jesus is a mystery that we can live in order to become more like Christ.

"For his sake I have accepted the loss of all things and I consider them so much rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having any righteousness of my own based on the law but that which comes through faith in Christ,h the righteousness from God, depending on faith to know him and the power of his resurrection and [the] sharing of his sufferings by being conformed to his death, if somehow I may attain the resurrection from the dead. (Philippians 3:10-11).

and

‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’…For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

So...I know everyone wants me to be free of pain and suffering, but know that I will use this pain to find joy!  I will use this pain to find what the doctors cannot discover with all their tests.  I will use this suffering so I can be who God wants me to be with the confusion of stronger medication.  

God bless you all for being here with me through it all!