Hoping for Nancy's Peace

I know that Nancy has been set aside in most reports of the victims of December 14th in Newtown.  I have read the number of deaths...26 innocent lives lost...many times as I looked over the articles to learn more as we make our memorial quilts.  I have also read the articles that explain the reason for this lower count of lives lost...mostly the excuse is that Nancy did not die at Sandy Hook...or that the public is outraged by Nancy's mothering skills (leaving weapons available for Adam) or the media has decided to not focus on anything related to Adam.  All of these excuses for Nancy not being considered a victim are ludicrous.

So, when we began our memorial quilt project, Nancy was on our list and we designed a quilt for her as well.  It has been harder to obtain information about her, so I am sure our design does not represent Nancy like we had hoped.  We know that she loved to play games and garden.  We know that she loved Adam and wanted to help him.

Over the last few weeks, I have actually had a desire to reach out to Nancy...knowing that I cannot...knowing that there are others in the same position who hide themselves away from the scrutiny of others...knowing that we could have spent time relating to each others struggles.

You see...our family has a child with special needs...autism...Asperger's Syndrome...the doctors never seem to want to be specific and we have never really pushed to put a label on our child.  We have spent most of his life trying to find answers that will help him...we have heard the ad campaigns to seek early intervention...begged for assistance and found nothing that benefits his needs.  We have been told countless times that WE...as parents...should seek parenting classes only to be told to be patient with his needs.  We have placed him on various medicines only to have a child so depressed or drugged that he is no longer a child but a zombie.  We have driven miles to a doctor because there are no specialists in our area.  We work so hard to help him understand the needs of others and how to be aware of his surroundings...but how do you teach a child to walk across a room without bumping into something or someone?  How do you teach a child to be aware of pain when he has such a high threshold to pain that he can burn himself repeatedly and think nothing of it (just one example of his pain tolerance)?

How do you explain to others that what they are seeing in our child is not something to stare at in disbelief but realize that it is who he IS?  Because in spite of his oddities, he is a loving and caring child who wants to give hugs and cares so much about others...even when they treat him different he is friends with everyone he meets.  He is intelligent and has a memory of facts that would blow your mind.  He loves to talk about his favorite topics to the point of annoyance...mainly because he has such a tunnel vision for his interests that he does not realize that you might have some input....many a one-sided conversation in his life.

I once told a friend of mine...as a parent it is difficult to have a child with an 'invisible' handicap.  I am almost jealous of the parent with a child in a wheelchair because they at least have a visible sign that others can relate to in a handicap.  When you have a child who looks 'normal' you tend to get people giving you looks of disappointment or disapproval.  And believe me it has happened to us...the ones who are complete strangers...I can blow those off as ignorance...but when the looks come from family and friends it is hard and it hurts.

It is a hard life having a child who unawares causes pain or disturbance in others.   You spend a lot of time apologizing for their quirks...you spend a lot of time avoiding situations that put you in an awkward position.  For instance, we do not go to a lot of big events because we do not know when he will be over-stimulated and loose control of his emotions.  We avoid TV and flashing colors and sports.  This is not a pity party...this is reality...we have had to learn to adapt to his needs.  However, there are many activities that we avoid that our other children would enjoy because we know it would be too hard to control him.

So...when I think of Nancy, I know that it must have been hard for her, especially after she lost the support of her husband and older son.  I know that she must have kept her fears and concerns about Adam to herself so she could enjoy a little bit of 'normal' life without worrying about Adam.  I know that in spite of this time away, she must have always had in the back of her mind..."Is Adam going to be OK while I am away?"

Was Nancy a victim?  Yes...I see her as a victim of society.  A society that was willing to help her when she had an odd quirky child, but once he left school (became an adult), she was left to deal with him on her own.  A society that will never fully accept a child grown into an adult who is not 'normal' or 'perfect'...fitting a mold that no one can fill...much less a person who does not understand the typical social skills of that society.

SO...what where do we go from here?  Do we blame the guns?...bad parenting skills?...dead beat dad that abandons his family?  Do we place all these children into homes?...or medicate them into oblivion?   All of these aspects have been addressed...not just with Adam and Nancy...but through other scenarios as well.

Why not embrace these children for who they are?  Accepting them for their strengths and assisting them through their weaknesses...just like YOU would want others to accept you.  It brings to mind a simple Bible verse...you all know it...it has been taught to the smallest of children..."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" (Luke 6:31)  These children (and adults) are just like any of us...they want to be accepted for who they are...imagine yourself in their shoes...but most of all treat them with the respect and dignity that you would want to have given yourself.  Because the numbers are increasing...stats come back year after year of the increase in numbers of autistic children.  These children will be the adults of our society and they have strengths that they bring to society.  So they might act a little different than you expect...maybe they will even seem a little self-centered.  In actuality they just do not understand your nuances and need to be guided into adulthood.  They need a transition into adulthood beyond the norm.

I don't have the answers...we are still working through these ideas ourselves.  Try to be patient with us as parents...we want the best for our children as well.  Nancy wanted to help Adam, and she gave up her life long before she was killed by her son.  She did this willingly...I am sure she had no regrets...I pray that she now has peace.  I pray that God has taken away her sorrows.  But most of all I pray that she will be understood in this world...because she is not alone in her struggles...there are so many of us left to fit the pieces together for our own children.  I pray that one day we can accept ALL children and not judge what we do not understand.  May God bless all parents of special needs children with loving patience.  May we pay tribute to Nancy's life by helping another parent in need.

SIDE NOTE:  All our memorial quilts were given an angel to represent their guardian angel that carried them home...Nancy's quilt was given two...we continue to hope in God's mercy for Nancy AND Adam.