I had determined that this year was going to be different. I had given up on traditional resolutions and had great plans to take control of my life and my family through a more spiritual approach. I think it is kind of funny to think back on that day now.
I was going to take control...that truly was my thought...but in doing so my plan was to begin praying more for myself and others. I was going to follow a traditional Catholic method of praying various novenas (9 days of centered prayer) with intentions for different people throughout the year.
My first novena was quite fitting ...a novena dedicated to surrendering to God’s will...which has now become the main theme of 2020 in our house.
It is funny that even now I find it difficult to surrender. I trust God but I still want my hand in the pot. I even know that all that does to a situation is stir up trouble but there I am wanting control even as I pray to give up my control. If only I could let go and let God have it all without question.
On January 1, I began the novena with the thought of giving over to God my control of my children. I felt like I was trying so hard to guide them away from difficulties. I think as parents we do this naturally. We want what is best for them so we try to take control of their decisions. So there I was giving that part of myself to God to take control.
However, I found by the end of the 9 days that I had so much more to surrender. And I did not know if I could do it. I felt that I was being called to surrender my self directed identity as the Director of Religious Education. That was who I was and I did not want to give it up. But the urgency was there calling me in that direction. I struggled with that decision. I did not want to give up that control. I did not want to give up the responsibility that I had for others.
And yet, God knew I had to give it up to save myself. And if I truly wanted to surrender and let God have control, then I had to let that go. The funny part about it...once I let go and followed God’s will, I felt such a peace wash over me. I still was emotional about the decision and felt such a loss in those last days on the job. I also felt very alone. I had no one to turn to for support. Those at work were trying to get me to stay which I knew was against God’s desire. I could not turn to my family and friends because I did not think they would understand how much I was losing by giving up what I loved. The struggle was real and almost like a battle within me to choose beyond my understanding. However, I knew that the decision was right because I felt at peace knowing it was the right choice to leave. Even when I was pressured to find a way to stay, I knew deep in my heart that I needed to walk away.
So much more to say about control. I will write more on this later because unpacking this demon is complicated.
